Right now I'm eavesdropping on a girl who is on the phone telling her friend that she's dating someone who I can only assume her friend used to date. Or something. She drops the bomb pretty much straight away. "I wanted to talk to you and say, because I know you're going to be talking to ________ later today, that we've been hanging out a lot. Like, dating for about the last month. I mean, it's not really that serious, but I wanted to tell you myself." As you can imagine, there are several awkward silences where the girl that I can hear says things like: "Are you there?" and "Can you hear me?" But now it seems like the initial shock is waning and they've moved on to talking about how smart and nerdy the guy is.
The girl leaves.
She looks nothing like her voice or the kind of girl that would be kind of almost stealing someone's ex even though they're ex's and technically there really couldn't be anyone stealing anyone else and besides that I don't really think anyone gets stolen. I think people get dumped. Except for me. Why would anyone want to dump me? Except for that one girl. The one who dumped me on account of me being in a bad mood for about thirteen and a half months straight. Apparently we all need someone to teach us that life isn't fair.
And speaking of other things that make me totally depressed...
You've probably been overhearing conversations from disappointed rock and roll fans who are just reeling from the news that my upcoming show with Taylor Swift at Nassau Coliseum is of course, SOLD OUT. And while none of you will be able to see that which promises to be the entertainment spectacle of millennium it is important that you all hear it from me first that Taylor has been a real class A opening act for me lately. And with any luck, all this exposure I've been so generous to bestow on her will one day pay off with some real international stardom. Until then, keep checking back with me on her progress. But lest you think she's going to forget about you before it's all too late, we've decided to put together a special encore performance on May 18th at, where else, Banjo Jim's in picturesque Loisaida, NYC.
That's right kids, come on down Mr. Jim's at 11:30pm on Tuesday, May 18th and you'll get a not so generous helping of things I've been thinking about for the last year that fit into a format I like to call: Rock and Roll songs. I'm also very excited to announce that even in the highly unlikely event that Taylor Swift isn't there, she's been generous enough to give me a lend of her band for the night! With any luck, we'll get cited for being too loud and then we can just hang out and talk about how awesome the beaches are in Florida this time of year.
Lastly ... in today's edition of "Next Blog" we find a young man who not only fell in love with Jesus before he fell in love with food, but also has an interest in something called "perspective".
Mwah!
M
P.S. Tune in tomorrow for some belated film reviews and other ailments afflicting the modern woman.
P.P.S. Speaking of women, next sunday is Mother's Day.
P.P.P.S. In case you forget ...
P.P.P.P.S. I should be the spokesperson for 1800Flowers.com
P.P.P.P.P.S. They're amazing!
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