Variety 101: The Best Show We'll Do Tomorrow Night!

Hi,

In case you've been too busy fretting over the conflicting messages being delivered to your fat kids from the USDA ...
You may have missed a recent Reuters story outlining some of the finer points of geopolitics facing our great nation.
Fortunately for you and your short attention span, I've taken the liberty of condensing said article down to the following sentence:
"Iran is ready to hold its first talks with world powers in more than a year about its disputed nuclear program any time after November 10, EU foreign policy chief Catherine Ashton said..." and "... has dismissed the impact of sanctions and shown no sign of backing down over ..." this timeline because "... it says it has a sovereign right to ..." attend The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday night.

That's right kids!
The OFLC returns with a with a revisionist recipe on the classic variety show cocktail this Wednesday, November 10th at 11pm.

Ingredients:
Three parts Music. One part Sketch Comedy. One part Vaudeville. Three Special Guests. Dash Political Satire.

Directions:
Combine comedy and vaudeville in Old Fashioned glass and muddle. Add music and political satire over ice and stir. Garnish with special guests. Serve with a smile.

Mwah!

M

P.S. The OFLC is sponsored by Harris Radio

Variety 101: Inside The Bruising Dem Leadership Fight

Hi,

Having fallen behind for the last ten or so days, you'll just have to assume that my life is either pretty important or at the least more interesting than the life of a person who keeps coming here looking for points of interest to bring up at dinner parties where you play the role of ivy-league-educated upper-middle-class thirty-something-mom on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Anyway, here's a little recap of what you've been missing.

1. The movie Tempest starring a young version of everyone's favorite hot older woman is pretty lame. Except for Molly. She was great. A real natural.

2. I'm gonna update the gig section of this page when I finish typing this sentence.

3. Yes, Nick and Danny are also starring in The Old Fashioned Ladies Club this Wednesday, November 10th at 11pm.

4. Well, actually, yeah I guess you're right. Starring might be a slight exaggeration. It's important to be encouraging though. I think it brings out the best in people.

5. Speaking of The OFLC, thanks to a certain stage manager who forgot to get her voter registration changed from the great state of Illinois to the even greater state of New York, Steve Jackson and I lost the NY State gubernatorial election by one vote.

5(.5). Thanks a lot.

6. In unrelated news, you'll be relieved to know that Christine O'Donnell is still making the front page of The Huffington Post because she's appearing on a show running opposite a show hosted by a guy who used to rely on Al Roker but now can afford to run about a hundred and twenty seven ads on the front page of the Huffington Post.

7. And for those of you who have trouble sleeping at night, apparently there are also articles that don't show pictures of Christine O'Donell on the Huffington Post.

8. You too can find fashionable accessories for me to wear at the next Mother Feather show at The Dressing Room. Located on Orchard St. just south of Broome, The Dressing Room is your one stop shop for vintage bedazzlement (See accompanying photo), new designs from new designers and a fully stocked bar. Tell them I sent you and I pretty much guarantee that no one will care.

9. The movie Jackass 2.5 is pretty depressing.

10. I swear to god I saw one of the guys from Atomic Tom at a house warming party the other night. I think he plays the Sony Walkman, but I was too nervous to talk to him and find out for sure. Luckily for us, they've become too busy to perform at this week's edition of The OFLC. We totally didn't want them on the show anyway.

11. The net point I'm gonna make is something I like to call: Foreshadowing.

12. ...

13. The following point references a rejected joke for The OFLC wherein I attempted to reference the bankruptcy proceedings of a certain used to be famous mononymous person while passing a tip bucket.

14. The replacement promises to be funnier than the other rejected joke involving a boxing match between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr.

15. I bet my mom saw this:

16. This guy is a jerkface.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Don't forget to mark your calendars for today.

P.P.S. Nick Afticano is playing at Rockwood Music Hall.

P.P.P.S. At 10pm.

P.P.P.P.S. His guitar player is very tall.

P.P.P.P.P.S. 32nd best song ever:

Journalism 101: Neck Tattoos. Hot or Not?

Hi,

Geez! Did you ever stop to notice how good looking all the people that go to the kinds of coffee shops I go to are? And no I'm not just talking about me. Of course there's usually the one employee behind the counter who secretly makes you wonder how they got hired. They must have known somebody. Or maybe they worked at whatever this place was before all the good looking people started opening up stores for other good looking people to go to and the good looking proprietor or proprietoress just couldn't bear to be the good looking person that put the person who was born in the neighborhood out of work. Anyway, since you may or may not know me, you can imagine how good looking I am. So if you picture me and then picture about twenty other people, making some of them girls instead of boys and still others make of indeterminate ethnic origin instead of white, and then picture that I am not even the best looking of the bunch, although pretty damn close to it, you have a pretty good sense of the kind of scene I'm in right now. Yeah, even the girls with weird noses and the guys with suspect hair styles are way better looking than wherever it is that you're from. Except for the small group of traveling Europeans. They sure dress frumpy. And we're not even in Manahattahatan. We're in Brooklyn. In the NYC. In the NY State. In the USA. In the Americas. God, you really have blessed America. Thank you.

In related news, today The Big O. is sending me twitter messages that say things like: "I'm committed. Are you?" Sounds a little desperate if you ask me. Is he really worried that I'm not committed to my relationship with him? Of course I'm committed, Barry. For as long as it is politically advantageous. I've learned from the best.

Holy crap! Today is Dizzy Gillespie's birthday! He of course falls into the category of people who you know are and or were great but who's music you never really got around to listening to. Anyway, you can find out more about Dizzie Gillespie by going here: google.com Then click on the icon for the word "google". This of course will only work today. No. You shut up.

In related news, tonight the annual CMJ Music Festival offers you it's featured performance of the 2010 festivities down at the charming and always welcoming Rockwood Music Hall. Directly following Danny Ross will of course be someone else. I suggest using the bridge of Danny's last song as a cue for you exit, so as to avoid that awkward feeling of seeing a grown man cry when Casey notices you leaving during the middle of Love Is Here To Stay.

In unrelated news, the album "Love Is Here To Stay" may not be available through amazon.com. But you should still click on the convenient link to amazon.com in the right hand margin of this page just to be sure. While you're there, I could use another pair of Levi's 514 jeans. Waist: 29. Inseam: 32. And thanks.

Holy Crap! Remember all the good looking people I was telling you about earlier today? You can't even believe how good looking the person who's reflection I just saw in the mirror was. Wow.

Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't raise my Old Fashioned glass and toast the continuing editorial prowess of The Huffington Post. Just when I was about to tell you all about some fluff story about some guy who does nothing but focus on the way people dress, my attention was thankfully drawn to the accompanying photos of yet another Pulitzer Prize winning article regarding, in the words of Katie Couric's Notebook, "a lot of bigger problems in the world right now". For the full story, click on the photo below of a half-naked twenty four year old best known for her role as teenager Rachel Berry.

Oh. No problem. You can thank me next Wednesday at The Old Fashioned Ladies Club (Sponsored By: Harris Radio). What's that? Yeah, we're gonna be back at Parkside Lounge. Ummm, I think it's the 27th. Yeah, it's totally the 27th. At 11. Yeah, 11pm. You think we'd be doing a freaking hour long Variety show at 11 in the morning? No, it's free. Yeah, I mean, we pass a tip bucket thing. But it's basically free. Oh. What? Yeah, it's a pretty involved show. Next week? I think there's gonna be one, two, three, four ... seven ... about 13 different parts to the show. Yeah, pretty much totally different than last weeks show. No. I'm not kidding. There's gonna be a magician. And this other guy who can juggle in time to music. No I can't tell you what song he's gonna juggle to. But I can tell you that if you're familiar with the work of Tom Dowd, you're gonna have a good time. Oh, and Flanagan Smith is gonna be there too.

Mwah!

M

Combat Readiness 101: Black Capris And What We Think Are New Black Sandals

Hi,

Good morning (if you live on the west coast, which I do not) from the coffee shop that makes me feel like I'm in Connecticut even though I'm only 12 blocks from what used to be my apartment where I used to keep a couple pretty stylish size 36R suits from Zara and one more conservative size 36R suit from Kenneth Cole (which I found scouring the sale rack at the largest department store in the world back in 2002). Those suits were most recently useful for sandwiching a pretty bitchin' blueish-black leather jacket that had one unwieldy collar. So I carefully hung the jacket between them in an effort to "train" said collar to lie flat against the shoulder/breast area so that I would look cooler than someone who's leather jacket collar was just sticking out like a mushroom boner.

In unrelated news, here's a pretty recent photo of me on stage with a band called Mother Feather that you can come see tomorrow night at Bowery Electric looking cool in the blackish-blue leather jacket that I don't own anymore:

This is another picture of me looking pretty cool in the blueish-black leather jacket that I bought at Buffalo Exchange one day when I was hanging out with my friend _________ while her boyfriend ________ was playing competitive frisbee with a bunch of other grown men:

Oh, and since you asked, here's a photo of me at my friend Bryan's wedding, respectively dancing with his hot wife and hitting on his hot mom while wearing one of the pretty cool suits from Zara that I used to own. I think it's pretty obvious from these digital representations of the moments we shared together that these women thought I looked pretty damn good in that suit I used to own too:

And speaking of things way more important than how you look to me for distraction from the dead end job your father warned you about ending up with when you decided to drop out of college and go backpacking with a $1300 Euro-Pass for the better part of 2006, the Huffington Post is today once again proving that there really is no ends of the earth to which they won't travel in order to bring you the news you need to make the best of the precious life your spoiled little brat of an ungrateful heart should be thankful to be living. Clicking on this sentence will do something called "link" you to the above referenced very important article. However since you and every one of your Aunts and Uncle's who are constantly whispering under their breath about how you've really not gotten anywhere in life and how it's such a shame because you really were such a bright kid knows, you're probably not gonna even take the time to read this very important news of the day that someone got paid in real American dinero's to report on, I have decided to provide you with the crux of the article with the following photograph and accompanying caption:

"The Obamas left for Bar Harbor, Maine on Friday morning looking like a fashionable clan! Michelle wore an embellished tank with black capris and what we think are new black sandals. She carried a blue tote. The President shed his tie and the girls looked like stylish teens."

In related news, I will also be performing at the 9pm show tomorrow night at Bowery Electric with someone who seems to think he's a real swell guy.

Zzzzzzzzz ...

And speaking of speaking in tongues and/or fashion, today marks one of those rarified moments where we commend Bill O'Reilly as he actually provides some semblance of balance to a little known TV network called FOX News:

Finally, in today's final installment of "Things I Found On The Huffington Post Blog To Appropriate For Use On My Own Blog" ...

The good folks at the Blog who's owner has a really sexy accent are today paying tribute to a concept I like to describe to as a kind of economy-of-color-shape-and-form-in-the-arena-of-creative-visual-and-or-aural-would-be-art-when-or-intended-for-use-and-or-appreciation-by-mass-audience-and-or-monetization but for some reason they obliquely refer to as "less is more". That's right kids, it's time to honor achievements in black and white website design!!!! How excited are you? I know. Me too. And guess who won? Well, before we get to that, let me show you who didn't win. Example number one, from some hack you can find by clicking on the following photo of his hack website:

Next we present a website that can only be described as Zzzzzzz..."

Our last example of balck and white websites that are not the best balck and white website ever maintains a level of suckiness that would best be honored as the winner for overall suckiness:

And finally, the moment you've been waiting for in between whipping the the drool off of your girlfriend's fashionable new cable knit sweater, the winner of The Huffington Post's "Best Black And White Web Site In The History Of Things That Matt Basile Does A Better Job At Than Pretty Much Anyone Else You're Ever Gonna Meet Because You Never Applied Yourself." Go ahead and click on the screen shot of the "Best Black And White Web Site In The History Of Things That Matt Basile Does A Better Job At Than Pretty Much Anyone Else You're Ever Gonna Meet Because You Never Applied Yourself" to experience the site in all it's html glory:

Mwah!

M

P.S. The Old Fashioned Ladies Club debuts on August 18th at Rockwood Music Hall.

P.P.S. Maybe you'd like to be a part of it?

P.P.P.S. Send me a note, or talk to Jordan at Rockwood Music Hall.

P.P.P.P.S. The US Army has taken a dramatic step toward providing some needed support for the good men and women who are risking their lives over in a place called Afghanistan.

P.P.P.P.P.S. In lieu of doing something as meaningless as withdrawing from what can only be described as an exercise in nation building futility, the powers that be have put the greatest of the greatest minds in military dominance together and produced a 20 minute video on suicide prevention.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Here's a paraphrased quote from one of the 32 mom's that lost her son to suicide in the month of June...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. "Thanks a lot."

Internal Combustion 101: On This Day In 1971, "Iron Butterfly" Broke Up

Hi,

Thanks for tuning in for today's recap of yesterday's Bushwick Invitational 2010. Unfortunately it is taking an absolute eternity for the highlight reel to upload to youtube. Come back tomorrow. Or don't. I'm kinda getting tired of you too if you really wanna know the truth about it.

In the meantime, no, I'm sorry, I won't watch Lost with you tonight and no I don't have an excuse and no I don't care about your dumb feelings.

In today's installment of "People Who Don't Make Me Feel Inferior Because I Dropped Out Of College ...

For the enjoyment of all you anti-american immigrant loving basketball fans out there, apparently The Big O. is gonna be pandering to you tonight on TNT instead of advising all those pelicans down in the marshes of Louisiana that too much chocolate before dinner is gonna spoil their appetite.

In related news, "The Old Fashioned Ladies Club" is coming to Rockwood Music Hall's Stage 2, Wednesday August 18th at midnight. And you'll find out more about that when I'm ready to tell you.

Finally, there may not be tickets left for the greatest opening band in the history of bands that have opened for Chris Cubetta and The Dig at Mercury Lounge on June 5th but you should go here and find out: http://www.mercuryloungenyc.com/event/4526

Mwah.

M

P.S. There's a guy named Jason who does a pretty cool thing every Sunday morning(ish).

P.P.S. I'm gonna go now...

P.P.P.S. To see the CD release show of (K)Nights On Earth

P.P.P.P.S. Looks like the hamsters over at youtube finally got off their ...

P.P.P.P.P.S. And my lame ass walking home ...

Self Defense 101: One Man's Radical Position

Hi,

Someone oughta give me a bonus for getting through the least productive day of my life.

In other news, this part of this sentence is a link to a thing I read on the Huffington post just now that reminded me of part of the only conversation I had today. Normally I would just pull a quote but I kinda think it's short enough to accommodate your attention span. It was written by Ryan Grim:

"The lead story in Saturday's Washington Post, about the nuclear weapons decisions facing President Obama, runs longer than 1,300 words, but five a reader won't find are "cost," "dollars," "money," "debt," or "deficit." A reader would also search in vain for any talk of a "fiscal crisis" or a need to balance nuclear weapons priorities with available revenues.

That same reader, of course, rarely has to venture past the first sentence of a health care reform story to find that the subject is a "trillion dollar overhaul." Occasionally, it's noted that the trillion dollars is spread over ten years.

One particular decision that Obama faces is whether to continue what's known as the "triad" - three independent ways the United States developed to annihilate the Soviet Union. Warheads can be delivered with bombers, from submarines or with intercontinental ballistic missiles.

The military developed ICBMs in the '50s and '60s, recognizing that bombers would soon be obsolete and too easy to defend against. But the bomber squadrons have their own internal and industry defenders and have never been phased out. Each leg of the triad costs tens of billions of dollars per year to maintain.

House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank (D-Mass.) has proposed what he refers to as a "radical" notion. "My point is that now that there is no longer a Soviet Union, and there is instead a country called Russia, which is much smaller and in fact much weaker militarily, it is clear that we do not need to maintain all three weapons systems for dropping thermo-nuclear weapons on this now nonexistent empire," Frank told HuffPost. "My radical proposal is that we say to the Pentagon that they can pick two of the three, and let us abolish one."

The Post reports that Obama's aides will recommend to him that all three ways to destroy the old Soviet Union be kept in place. The amount that could be saved by cutting any of the three is likely much higher than the two largest ways Obama has identified to pay for health care reform: an excise tax on high-cost premiums that unions and the middle class loathes and cuts to Medicare Advantage, which have seniors frightened."

Today I also listened to this, among other, stories on the radio ...

Let's see, what else do you need to know? Oh, yeah. Next blog. Let's see what's next ... Oh, how interesting:

Apparently some family named their boys Kaleb and Kalen and think that anyone else in the world gives a crap. Shockingly Kaleb is "full of life" and also enjoys, among other things, balls and cars and trains and swimming and books. What a unique individual he's sure to become. Lock up your daughters.

And speaking of people that no one cares about, Casey Shea got a hangnail yesterday.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna go back to doing nothing now.

Zzzzzzzzz ....

M

Feminism 101: Populist Backlash and Covering The Logo

First of all, I did not "forget" about you yesterday. I was just doing other things. Like catching up on sleep. And watching the Nets lose to the Pistons. As if anyone actually cares about the Nets or the Pistons, what with Kobe Bryant surpassing Jerry West as the LA Lakers all time leading scorer. And he did it in less time. Anyway, I know you think I was neglecting, or forgetting or whatever kind of negative energy inserting into our relationship verb you want to use. Maybe I just needed some me time. Is that so wrong? I think I did a pretty good job of giving you space last summer. Even on the days when you didn't ask for it. But I could tell you needed it and I was sensitive just like you always said you wanted me to be and so I let you fly off the handle about the littlest thing and when you'd finally pull it together and offer up some kind of half-assed apology I just said everything is okay, really it is, and I went on about how it's important for people not to put so much pressure on themselves and how my therapist told me how you have to have compassion for the little boy, or girl as the case may be, inside you. Anyway, maybe I used those points up on something else? What a crock.

In today's installment of "Well, At Least I'm Not Bald Like Most Of The Guys I Went To Grade School With"...

This coffee shop, the one where I feel like I'm in Connecticut but is only 12 blocks from my apartment which I have still not paid the rent on this month, is playing the radio. Right now REO Speedwagon's "Keep On Loving You" is on. Actually, it was. It's over now. Anyway, after I stopped typing for a minute to reminisce about being 10 years old, I remembered that when I walked in, this song was giving me a serious mushroom ...

In soon to be related news, I started writing a few songs with Misty Boyce yesterday. She's a real pain in the wahzoo. I had actually tried to put the whole experience out of my head until the radio started playing the unwitting inspiration for the first song I ever wrote, the old Dan England and John Ford Coley classic, "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight".

Actually, I just pretty much kind of plain stole the melody and put my own words to it.

I was about this old when I did that:

If you can find me in Mr. Heath's class, I'll give you a free lifetime subscription to this website, on the condition that you click on the google ads in the right margin so I can afford to go Crown Fried Chicken everyday for dinner next month too. And, in case you were wondering... I've already checked and all the cute girls from that class are married now. Anyway, it probably goes without saying that my song wasn't nearly as good as Dan and John's. But at least it had a great melody.

In less interesting news...

As reported by the preeminent sources for accuracy in journalism The New York Post, CBS has not only cut the payroll generally but is specifically looking to dig in to the salary of one Katie Couric. You may recognize her as the winner of the Edward R. Murrow Best Newscast Award for the last two years. Or you may recognize her as the anchor of the newscast that has been dangling down in third place of major network ratings behind ABC's "World News" and NBC's "Nightly News" where, as reported by the Huffington Post, "... it has been since Dan Rather anchored the program." Clearly she is to blame for the ratings slump since the CBS "Evening News" was in fact a distant third in rankings while Dan Rather was the anchor, having been eclipsed first by Peter Jennings and then by Tom Brokaw at some point in the 1980's.

Anyway, some further astute reporting from the Drudge Report sited CBS's concern over a "populist backlash against Couric's cash" as rationale for her imminent salary cut.

For a list of other woman who clearly made too much money doing a man's job, click anywhere on this sentence.

Finally, I've gotten my required listening assignment for the day from one Ann Courtney. Let's watch it together shall we? ...

M

P.S. Ouch.

P.P.S. That hurt.

P.P.P.S. I'll be sure to talk to the editorial staff in the morning.

P.P.P.P.S. I guess the reason I'd Really Love To See You Tonight reminded me about writing with Misty was...

P.P.P.P.P.S. Damn.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I forgot again.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. It was on the tip of my tongue.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. At least I have great hair.