Harmony 101: Foreign Students In U.S. Forced To Work In Strip Clubs, Eat On Floor

Hi,

Since I know how much you like contests, I'm offering the opportunity for a special behind the scenes glimpse at the re-writing of rock and roll history to the person who can guess on which day I had the following meal for breakfast:


Wow! What a wonderful guesser you've grown up to be!The mother you don't call often enough must be so very proud of you! Below is the reward for all your hard work... but while celebrating any good fortune is warranted, it's important to keep in mind that gloating is rude. You can never be sure why another person might not be in the mood to have a celebration.

Oh, and speaking of contests, did you know that the internet is a contest and that last week somebody won it?
And speaking of all the hard work that goes into testing the boundaries of acceptability with regards to ethno-race relations, below you will find a digital representation of an Irish man and a half Jewish woman rehearsing for the same show! You shoulda been there ... Or maybe you were. How would I know?



The Old Fashioned Ladies Club
Harmony. Hope.
For The World. For The Future.
Zidsfalehrlsfgirfakdshf;shoidfsdfah.

In related news, how am I supposed to maintain my quality of being "inspired by the presence of God" when there are no photos of Chirstine O'Donnell on the front page of HuffPost? That's it. I'm switching my news source to talkingpointsmemo.com. And now it's snowing outside. Flurries really. Don't freak out. You can't call in to work. What are you looking at?Finally, today is Gilber Gilmore's birthday. In case you didn't know, he's a guitar player who plays backwards and looks like this:


And, he's also responsible for this:

Thanks Gil!

Mwah!

M

P.S. You can thank Mr. Gilmore for his part in shaping the modern woman on friday when we play with the vacationing Casey Shea at Rockwood Music Hall.
P.P.S. We'll be playing at 7:45 am as part of Rockwod's new Breakfast-Rockfest.
P.P.P.S. Love it or leave it?

Public Health 101: White House Christmas Tree Arrives

Hi,

Right now Joe Frank is on WNYC. He just made the comparison between sleepwalking and how, to paraphrase, the moment one realizes that he or she has wasted his or her life comes all too quickly, while the process of wasting said life is usually pretty long and drawn out. Although if a young person, say 19 years old, suddenly died after 17 months of drinking 37 orange sodas a day and eating a multivitamin every 2 minutes just to see how florescent he could make his pee, you could say that the process of wasting his life was relatively short in comparison to say, the life of United States Senator Lindsey Graham.

Oh, and speaking of men I would totally ask out if I were gay, Lindsey Graham is an United States Senator who earns roughly 200,000 taxpayer dollars every year while responding to questions about, depending on your perspective, national security policy and/or civil rights by saying things like: "This is a political promise made by Senator Obama when he was running for president ... There is no groundswell of opposition to Don't Ask, Don't Tell coming from our military. This is all politics. I don't believe there is anywhere near the votes to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell. On the Republican side, I think we will be united in the lame duck [session] and the study I would be looking for is asking military members: Should it be repealed, not how to implement it once you as a politician decide to repeal it. So I think in a lame duck setting Don't Ask, Don't Tell is not going anywhere."

In related news, I just got an email that says:
"Matchless (@BarMatchless) is now following your tweets (@imbasile) on Twitter."

Maybe you should follow my nfd;lkfhsdfgs;fdgjlsdfjkfhksdfhg;hsfdljgsdfgs too huh?

And speaking of dlfahsdlkjfhsdufglsdkgjhsdlgkslhdfs;a ... I also read about Alaska in the Huffington Post today and I was about to make a pretty mediocre joke about how coincidental it was that a certain former Governor, who Barbara Bush also thinks is kind of hot, has been traveling in an out of the Share The Wonder state over the last year or so and in a certain time period, of about a year or so, cases of something called Gonorrhea have filled the state with a state of hot air, or ballooned if you're nasty, that can only be described as a major outbreak. But now I'm not gonna bother with that joke because I'm all distracted because something called My Facebook Page is literally exploding with messages about someone who is actually funny that I just found out died. Find out why people in Germany care by viewing the convenient unauthorized distribution of a motion picture video clip below:

And speaking of convenient links ... Today I got an email that began:

"Dear Amazon Associate,

We have just sent payments to eligible Associates for the advertising fees earned in the program during the month of September 2010..."

If you know anything about business, you can probably guess where this email is going... It seems that my advertising earnings as an Amazon Associate were off by 0.3% from the previous cycle. Apparently, I've been remiss in not reminding you everyday that if you don't click on the convenient link to amazon.com, I don't get any free money. So, do us all a favor this holiday season ... while you're wasting all that money you don't really have to buy gifts that family members you don't really like don't really want, click on the amazon.com link in the right hand margin of this page. You'll not only be helping make the world go around. You'll also be feeding my ego.

In related news, The Old Fashioned Ladies Club returns on Wednesday, December 1st with a revisionist history of The 336th Day Of The Year!

This week's show will include...

The Insubordination of Rosa Parks with Captain Constitution!

A celebration of World AIDs Day with Steve Jackson!

Comedian Alex Edelman!

Daredevil Greg Feehan!

The music of Lee Dorsey, Jaco Pastorious, Magic Sam, Riahanna, Better Middler, The Doors and much more!

Mwah!

M

P.S. Go to bed.

Constitutional Amendments 101: Minn. Pol With Gun Outside Abortion Clinic Says He Was Just In Area 'Checking On' His Girlfriend

Hi,

As you probably didn't read in between all the time you spend hiding in the bathroom so you don't have to confront your significant other about the affair you're having with the neighbor's kid's biological parent's significant other and the fourth time you watched the opening scene of Before The Devil Knows You're Dead today, this evening's AP report brought to light another setback to the dying art form known as "Mass Protest, Or The Art of Taking It To The Streets". That's right folks! Today, overtime seeking policeman throughout the nation were disappointed that an apparently "loosely organized campaign on the internet" did not in fact motivate people to any such actions as would require them to stand around looking like total badasses like they did at the last protest I went to which you can see a clip of if you click pretty much on any of the last 12 or so words of this sentence. What? Yeah, I know, it's 13 words. That's why I said 12 or so. I mean, duh. You think I don't know what I'm writing here? What? Yes, even the time I wrote "there" when the context called for "their". Prove it? I just did. I mean, the only way for you to know I didn't know would be if I were lying. And then you'd still have to listen to me because the fact that you're reading this clearly illustrates that no one else in our circle of friends even talks to you anymore on account of the fact that they don't know how to tell you that you're life is going nowhere and now I'm all you have left. So there.

Anyway, before I was interrupted, I was talking about how interesting it was that no one who uses the internet protested the new and improved full body scanners at the airport and how I've been trying to figure out why the "loosely organized campaign on the internet" didn't become a more focussed enterprise? I mean, I totally think that everyone working at the TSA wants a weird X-Ray photo of my naked body. Because, I mean, it's obviously so hard to find pictures of naked people these days. I bet if I went to http://exgf.com/ I would never find a photo of a naked girl that may or may not be somebody's ex-girlfriend. And if I happened to like naked people that have the same chromosomes as me, I bet I would never find any photos by making the following google search: gay male porn. Or, like a certain someone in the first paragraph, I'm sure that no one just opts to stick with their netflix account so as not to feel like a total creep every time he clears his browser history.

(Editor's Note: I use the "masculine" because, well, let's be honest...)

Alas, all of this is to say that I am somewhat relieved to think that my Thanksgiving travels will not be derailed by the ensuant chaos of people who think their civil rights are being violated.

Oh, and speaking of things I do with the Stage Manager of The Old Fashioned Ladies Club, I sure hope they like to watch basketball in Minnesota! And, yeah, you should totally come to The OFLC next Wednesday December 1st. There you'll get a glimpse into what makes a girl who spent 73,423 childhood hours learning the ASL for her favorite Bette Middler song tick. Along the way, we'll explore the insubordination of Rosa Parks, celebrate World AIDs Day, and otherwise wonder why anyone could possibly be interested in golf.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Happy Turkey.

P.P.S. I almost forgot to give you the link to my subject line.

P.P.P.S. In case you're new, you can just click the sentence above for the aforementioned link.

P.P.P.P.S. Gun rights sure are cool huh?

P.P.P.P.P.S. Oh... Speaking of Air Traffic Control!

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Mother Feather is in the studio next week.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Cock A Doodle Dooooooo!

Variety 101: The Best Show We'll Do Tomorrow Night!

Hi,

In case you've been too busy fretting over the conflicting messages being delivered to your fat kids from the USDA ...
You may have missed a recent Reuters story outlining some of the finer points of geopolitics facing our great nation.
Fortunately for you and your short attention span, I've taken the liberty of condensing said article down to the following sentence:
"Iran is ready to hold its first talks with world powers in more than a year about its disputed nuclear program any time after November 10, EU foreign policy chief Catherine Ashton said..." and "... has dismissed the impact of sanctions and shown no sign of backing down over ..." this timeline because "... it says it has a sovereign right to ..." attend The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday night.

That's right kids!
The OFLC returns with a with a revisionist recipe on the classic variety show cocktail this Wednesday, November 10th at 11pm.

Ingredients:
Three parts Music. One part Sketch Comedy. One part Vaudeville. Three Special Guests. Dash Political Satire.

Directions:
Combine comedy and vaudeville in Old Fashioned glass and muddle. Add music and political satire over ice and stir. Garnish with special guests. Serve with a smile.

Mwah!

M

P.S. The OFLC is sponsored by Harris Radio

Variety 101: Inside The Bruising Dem Leadership Fight

Hi,

Having fallen behind for the last ten or so days, you'll just have to assume that my life is either pretty important or at the least more interesting than the life of a person who keeps coming here looking for points of interest to bring up at dinner parties where you play the role of ivy-league-educated upper-middle-class thirty-something-mom on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Anyway, here's a little recap of what you've been missing.

1. The movie Tempest starring a young version of everyone's favorite hot older woman is pretty lame. Except for Molly. She was great. A real natural.

2. I'm gonna update the gig section of this page when I finish typing this sentence.

3. Yes, Nick and Danny are also starring in The Old Fashioned Ladies Club this Wednesday, November 10th at 11pm.

4. Well, actually, yeah I guess you're right. Starring might be a slight exaggeration. It's important to be encouraging though. I think it brings out the best in people.

5. Speaking of The OFLC, thanks to a certain stage manager who forgot to get her voter registration changed from the great state of Illinois to the even greater state of New York, Steve Jackson and I lost the NY State gubernatorial election by one vote.

5(.5). Thanks a lot.

6. In unrelated news, you'll be relieved to know that Christine O'Donnell is still making the front page of The Huffington Post because she's appearing on a show running opposite a show hosted by a guy who used to rely on Al Roker but now can afford to run about a hundred and twenty seven ads on the front page of the Huffington Post.

7. And for those of you who have trouble sleeping at night, apparently there are also articles that don't show pictures of Christine O'Donell on the Huffington Post.

8. You too can find fashionable accessories for me to wear at the next Mother Feather show at The Dressing Room. Located on Orchard St. just south of Broome, The Dressing Room is your one stop shop for vintage bedazzlement (See accompanying photo), new designs from new designers and a fully stocked bar. Tell them I sent you and I pretty much guarantee that no one will care.

9. The movie Jackass 2.5 is pretty depressing.

10. I swear to god I saw one of the guys from Atomic Tom at a house warming party the other night. I think he plays the Sony Walkman, but I was too nervous to talk to him and find out for sure. Luckily for us, they've become too busy to perform at this week's edition of The OFLC. We totally didn't want them on the show anyway.

11. The net point I'm gonna make is something I like to call: Foreshadowing.

12. ...

13. The following point references a rejected joke for The OFLC wherein I attempted to reference the bankruptcy proceedings of a certain used to be famous mononymous person while passing a tip bucket.

14. The replacement promises to be funnier than the other rejected joke involving a boxing match between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr.

15. I bet my mom saw this:

16. This guy is a jerkface.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Don't forget to mark your calendars for today.

P.P.S. Nick Afticano is playing at Rockwood Music Hall.

P.P.P.S. At 10pm.

P.P.P.P.S. His guitar player is very tall.

P.P.P.P.P.S. 32nd best song ever:

Variety 101: "Weigh More, Pay More" and Other Platform Positions From "The Problem Is The Patriarchy"

Hi,

Wanna hear about my life while I listen to John Lennon's album ...

... "Milk and Honey" right after I got home from rehearsal for Wes Hutchinson's ...

... show tomorrow night and right before rehearsal for Casey Shea's ...

...Halloween Debacle on Sunday?

Good. Me too. Here we go!

First of all, for those of you who didn't attend The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday night, you should probably keep reading since I'm probably never gonna talk to you again on account of the fact that you didn't come to The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday and now there's probably no other way for for you to find out everything that you missed by being such a terrible friend. In the unlikely event that you did have a good excuse for missing out on the best show we, and by we I mean everyone except for Andy, did all night you can print out the following digital representation of the poor excuse for a PlayBill that I made in the shape of a table tent and after memorizing all the names of the people listed pretend that you were there in the form of lying to me the next time you see me and thus maintain what's left of our fractured relationship.

In case you're not smart enough to figure out how a table tent works, just print the digital representation of said table tent provided above, disregarding the pink fold indicators, and while standing in the smallest room in your home, fold the poor excuse for a PlayBill into the shape of an airplane and practice flying said airplane around the room until you poke yourself in the eye, which will serve you right for missing the show.

And speaking of pink and the closeout sale for all the guilt inspiring yogurt on display at your local grocer, below is a photographic representation of The OFLC's latest public service announcement "Male Mammogram" that you missed out on by being such a horrible person. Anyway, since it's important, the point was that men can get Breast Cancer too. But since we don't talk anymore, I guess you'll have to borrow a dime from someone else.

Okay. I'm almost out of time. I leave you with a sneak peek at The OFLC's green room featuring Michael Karas ...

... who eventually went on stage and juggled to the tune of "Giant Steps" as performed by Misty Boyce and Chris Benelli and another photo that I'll let you describe for yourself.

Mwah!

M

Sports 101: Rich Girls To Miami Heat, "Go Lakers!"

Hi,

Just a quick news flash while I prepare for The OFLC.

In the following embedded video you will learn more about why The Lakers freaking rule and hear about 10 seconds of failed NYC rocker band Rich Girls anthem "Latchkey Kids". If you hate sports but love me, just scan to the 8:55 mark.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Happy Birthday Andrew Bynum!

Variety 101: Help Me Pull A Rabbit Out Of My Hat

Hi,

So, I have a question.

Let's say we were casual, friendly acquaintances and because my apartment was so small, I asked you to hold onto something for me.

It doesn't really matter what it is, except that it's not exactly small...

Which is of course the reason I can't keep it in my small apartment.

And of course, it's pretty valuable to me...

Which is why I don't wanna just leave it on the curb for the next enterprising New Yorker to pick up and have all to his or herself.

For the sake of argument, let's say the thing I ask you to hold onto is my variety show...

I call you up and say "Hi, I have this variety show called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club, but it's too big for my apartment, can I leave it at your place for a while?"

And you say "Oh yeah? I've heard of The OFLC. That's the variety show where you had that famous sword swallower Heather Holliday at your debut right?"

And I go "Yeah, she was there. It was awesome."

And you say "Dude, I heard about that. And isn't that the same night the guy did a 5 minute theater thing that coulda been a scene straight out of Jackass 3D?"

And I go "Uh huh."

And you say "Yeah man. I love your variety show. I went to the one two weeks ago and there was this great comic, and a dude who freakin' shaved his face while he was juggling bowling pins! Unreal! Is he gonna come back for this week's show?"

And I go "No, but he's super cool. And he's totally gonna come back to do that or some other thing that would never occur to me."

And you say "That's great, cuz I really like that guy. I mean, the Shakespeare guy was actually pretty depressing and I think the guy who sang 110th Street could do a better job memorizing the lyrics in the future, but otherwise, it was a pretty awesome show."

And I go "Thanks dude. I'm really glad you like it. Does that mean you'll let me leave my variety show in your apartment for a while? I mean, you can watch it whenever you want, just don't take it outside cuz it's pretty valuable to me."

And you say "Ummm, yeah I guess that's fine. I mean, I'm sure I could get some use out of it."

And then, let's say that after about a year and a half, you move out of your apartment and you call me to come pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then, let's say after another six months, you move again and you call me to pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then a few more years pass and you're about to move and you call me to pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then maybe you figure that since, all told, about five years have passed since I asked you to hold onto my variety show...

And since you've not only moved my variety show all over Manhattan, to Brooklyn, and back, and back again...

Not to mention the grand total of 17 sets of staircases...

But you've also grown accustomed to...

Eating your meals...

And typing emails...

On top of my variety show...

And thus you kind of sort of figured that I had relinquished ownership of my variety show...

Since for the last five years, I never seemed to care enough to come and get it.

Then, one day, you post a message about how you got a new 1966 Fender Twin Reissue Guitar Amp on facebook...

And when I see that message I think to myself "Hey, I haven't talked to that casually friendly acquaintance for the better part of five years!"

And then I think "I wonder if said person still has my variety show?

And then I say "I'm gonna email them and see if I can get my variety show back!"

Would you give me back my variety show?

You can hand deliver you answer at:

The Old Fashioned Ladies Club

Wenesday, October 27th

Parkside Lounge

317 Houston

11pm

Mwah!

M

Journalism 101: Neck Tattoos. Hot or Not?

Hi,

Geez! Did you ever stop to notice how good looking all the people that go to the kinds of coffee shops I go to are? And no I'm not just talking about me. Of course there's usually the one employee behind the counter who secretly makes you wonder how they got hired. They must have known somebody. Or maybe they worked at whatever this place was before all the good looking people started opening up stores for other good looking people to go to and the good looking proprietor or proprietoress just couldn't bear to be the good looking person that put the person who was born in the neighborhood out of work. Anyway, since you may or may not know me, you can imagine how good looking I am. So if you picture me and then picture about twenty other people, making some of them girls instead of boys and still others make of indeterminate ethnic origin instead of white, and then picture that I am not even the best looking of the bunch, although pretty damn close to it, you have a pretty good sense of the kind of scene I'm in right now. Yeah, even the girls with weird noses and the guys with suspect hair styles are way better looking than wherever it is that you're from. Except for the small group of traveling Europeans. They sure dress frumpy. And we're not even in Manahattahatan. We're in Brooklyn. In the NYC. In the NY State. In the USA. In the Americas. God, you really have blessed America. Thank you.

In related news, today The Big O. is sending me twitter messages that say things like: "I'm committed. Are you?" Sounds a little desperate if you ask me. Is he really worried that I'm not committed to my relationship with him? Of course I'm committed, Barry. For as long as it is politically advantageous. I've learned from the best.

Holy crap! Today is Dizzy Gillespie's birthday! He of course falls into the category of people who you know are and or were great but who's music you never really got around to listening to. Anyway, you can find out more about Dizzie Gillespie by going here: google.com Then click on the icon for the word "google". This of course will only work today. No. You shut up.

In related news, tonight the annual CMJ Music Festival offers you it's featured performance of the 2010 festivities down at the charming and always welcoming Rockwood Music Hall. Directly following Danny Ross will of course be someone else. I suggest using the bridge of Danny's last song as a cue for you exit, so as to avoid that awkward feeling of seeing a grown man cry when Casey notices you leaving during the middle of Love Is Here To Stay.

In unrelated news, the album "Love Is Here To Stay" may not be available through amazon.com. But you should still click on the convenient link to amazon.com in the right hand margin of this page just to be sure. While you're there, I could use another pair of Levi's 514 jeans. Waist: 29. Inseam: 32. And thanks.

Holy Crap! Remember all the good looking people I was telling you about earlier today? You can't even believe how good looking the person who's reflection I just saw in the mirror was. Wow.

Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't raise my Old Fashioned glass and toast the continuing editorial prowess of The Huffington Post. Just when I was about to tell you all about some fluff story about some guy who does nothing but focus on the way people dress, my attention was thankfully drawn to the accompanying photos of yet another Pulitzer Prize winning article regarding, in the words of Katie Couric's Notebook, "a lot of bigger problems in the world right now". For the full story, click on the photo below of a half-naked twenty four year old best known for her role as teenager Rachel Berry.

Oh. No problem. You can thank me next Wednesday at The Old Fashioned Ladies Club (Sponsored By: Harris Radio). What's that? Yeah, we're gonna be back at Parkside Lounge. Ummm, I think it's the 27th. Yeah, it's totally the 27th. At 11. Yeah, 11pm. You think we'd be doing a freaking hour long Variety show at 11 in the morning? No, it's free. Yeah, I mean, we pass a tip bucket thing. But it's basically free. Oh. What? Yeah, it's a pretty involved show. Next week? I think there's gonna be one, two, three, four ... seven ... about 13 different parts to the show. Yeah, pretty much totally different than last weeks show. No. I'm not kidding. There's gonna be a magician. And this other guy who can juggle in time to music. No I can't tell you what song he's gonna juggle to. But I can tell you that if you're familiar with the work of Tom Dowd, you're gonna have a good time. Oh, and Flanagan Smith is gonna be there too.

Mwah!

M

Variety 101: Thank God It's Fall ... I Can Finally Accessorize Without Feeling Gay!

Hi,

Lest you think I've neglected to note how much I know you've been waiting for me to weigh in on the really fu@$ed up NY Daily News article about Palladino being a big-fat-dumb-faced-homophobe who doesn't seem to understand that even if he were to have anything resembling a legitimate or rational reason to be opposed to gay marriage the fact that he is one step away from becoming the governor of the state that houses the most popular and, however gentrified it may seem to be if you never leave lower to mid manhattan, diverse and eclectic city that I know means that, like it or not, he is in fact now officially a public figure on the cusp of a very real and relevant leadership position in a society that for reasons that escape me, but can only be attributed to something called fear and/or insecurity and/or latent and/or suppressed homosexual tendencies, finds itself in what might be referred to as a crisis situation relating to the life and/or death of young people who display homosexual tendencies in public and/or private and that maybe, just maybe, it might be a good time for people in public figure kinds of positions to use a little bit of discretion and/or tact when discussing issues that make some people, depending on their perspective, want to literally stick baseball bats and plungers up other people's butts and/or hang themselves from a tree.

Anyway, I'm not gonna go there. I'm just gonna assume Mr. Palladino was taken out of context by the liberal media. But in case you missed what the guy who doesn't deserve to share the same first name with my dad said, I have cut and pasted the following sentences just to make sure I got the quotes just right:

“I don’t want [children] brainwashed into thinking homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option – it isn’t,” followed by, “I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family.” It was only after only after these two zingers that Paladino backpedalled a bit, offering “Don’t misquote me as wanting to hurt homosexual people in any way,” he said. “My approach is live and let live.”

Anyway, like I said, I don't really have a comment. But I do know the even though I haven't even kissed a guy since that one night about 7 years ago when that one girl thought it would ... ummm, never mind ... I'll be voting for a different Italian guy in November.

In totally unrelated news, Mother Feather is playing this Friday night at Bowery Electric, so earlier today I had to spend a little time browsing the necklace selection at Forever 21.

And speaking of things you're looking forward to this week, today I also ran a few errands for something called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. One errand was really a phone call to a piano tuner. Another errand involved finding out that, even though Halloween is just around the corner, most men are not very enthusiastic about wearing a Raggedy Ann costume. Another errand involved falling in love with google all over again for helping me figure out that a "tinsle-esque-backdrop-thing" is actually called a "Mylar Door Curtain". Another errand involved buying some Vanilla Chocolate Chip Hagen Daas ice-cream. Actually that errand wasn't really an errand so much as it was "dinner". And now I'm remembering that I just read an article that, in a manner of speaking, said that eating ice-cream for dinner might not be the best idea after all. Which of course now means that I'm going to be totally freaking depressed for the rest of the night and not be able to sleep well at all. OMG ... WTF? I am totes not LOLing.

Oh, and speaking of God. One of the other errands I ran involved a collar and a cross and a really big ruby ring and was related to another errand which involved reading the Bible. Or The Bible. Do you capitalize The in The Bible? Or is it the Bible? UGH! Writing is soooooooooooooooooooo hard.

Anyway, you can find out how my errands may or may not relate to Creedence Clearwater Revival on Wednesday at The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. It's gonna happen at The Parkside Lounge. We'll be starting at 11pm. You're gonna look GR8! I promise!

Mwah!

M

Political Science 101: Sometimes It's Really Hard To Think Of A Title

Hi,

This morning(ish) I didn't have a brunch date with Tom Hayes at our favorite brunch date spot whereupon I ate my favorite brunch dish that I can't remember how to spell but means baked eggs with cod fish in Brazilian and is pictured below for your easy reference ...

... because I when I woke up I got super excited when I realized that it was Saturday and that if I went down to my favorite brunch spot early enough I could not only get to eat my favorite brunch dish but I could also sit in my favorite seat, right in the front corner by the coatrack where I can put all the condiments on the window sill so that I have plenty of room on the miniature red table so to at once eat my favorite brunch dish and read the news of the day on a device that doesn't involve killing helpless trees, and thus I totally forgot to call Tom and ask him if he wanted to join me. I wonder what Tom had for breakfast today? Black pudding? What? Yeah, you're probably right ... nobody really cares what Tom had for breakfast. What's that? Yes, I too think it's nice that I am pretending to care.

In related news, I am presently toasting my skin in my new jeans:

Speaking of milquetoast, yesterday I heard someone blathering on about the musical backdrop to the many and varied public appearances by one Barry The Secretly Not So Hip Black Guy After All. But since you're too paralyzed by your unemployment induced depression to click on the link in the last sentence I'll just tell you what was implicitly queried with the following accurate(ish) paraphrasing: 'Since Barrack Obama is half black, and lots of people hate him because of a deep seated fear that he will have an affair with a white woman, wouldn't it make a lot more sense for him to walk out on stage to the tune(ish) backdrop of Public Enemy's "Fear Of A Black Planet" in order to remind all the black people in the country that his father is black and in the process provide more fear inducing fodder for the likes of people that are afraid to sit next a good looking black man on the Acela?'

Anyway, I actually really like the song "City Of Blinding Lights". Maybe it's because I got to see U2 perform it at Empire Fulton Ferry State Park a few years ago before the release of "How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb" on a day that I should have been working but instead played hooky because someone called me and said: "Dude! U2 is gonna perform at that park where the Brooklyn and Manhattan bridges almost meet in Brooklyn! Can you get out of work?" And I said: "Are you freaking kidding me? I work from home. I'll just set the status on Yahoo Messenger to 'Busy: On A Conference Call' and no one will know the difference. I'll meet you there in 30 minutes." Then we waited for something on the order of three and half hours for U2 to come riding over the Manhattan Bridge on a freakin' flatbed truck playing the Uno Dos Tres Catorce song over and over again, which was pretty freakin' cool ... albeit a total rip off of a stunt pulled by the band with the best frontman ever some twenty nine years earlier:

And while you probably won't recognize me on account of the fact that I wore baggier jeans at the time, I also found the U2 performance on youtube too. Then as now, I remember being at once impressed and repulsed at the linguistic political prowess of Bono for ending his little song intro soliloquy by saying that the "city of blinding lights" in question was in fact: Brooklyn.


And speaking of referencing cities that are no longer cities, you should either read the article about would be Senator Sharon Angle that the rest of this sentence links to, or read the blatant plagiarism below for one of the best punch lines I've heard in a long time.

In a recording of the rally provided to The Associated Press by the Mesquite Local News, a man is heard asking Angle : "I keep hearing about Muslims wanting to take over the United States ... on a TV program just last night, I saw that they are taking over a city in Michigan and the residents of the city, they want them out. They want them out. So, I want to hear your thoughts about that."

Angle responds that "we're talking about a militant terrorist situation, which I believe it isn't a widespread thing, but it is enough that we need to address, and we have been addressing it."

"My thoughts are these, first of all, Dearborn, Michigan, and Frankford, Texas are on American soil, and under constitutional law. Not Sharia law. And I don't know how that happened in the United States," she said. "It seems to me there is something fundamentally wrong with allowing a foreign system of law to even take hold in any municipality or government situation in our United States."

Dearborn, Mich., has a thriving Muslim community. It was not immediately clear why Angle singled out Frankford, Texas, a former town that was annexed into Dallas around 1975.

I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure that come November I'll be too busy shopping for clothes that make me look mildly sophisticated yet still in touch with people half my age to remember to vote.

Speaking of me when I was young, the forthcoming audio link will let you hear a guy talk about meeting a guy who I used to try to imitate when I was 9 years old and lived in this house, which was before whoever lives there now built the eye-sore of an addition onto the north side of:

And now, here is the aforementioned forthcoming audio link:

Okay. I'm gonna go now so I can prep for my gig with Nick Africano tonight. It's gonna happen at Rockwood Music Hall. It's gonna happen at 8pm. It's also gonna happen before we go over to Terri's birthday party at Crash Mansion which is gonna happen at 9pm.

Before I do that though, I know you've been wondering how Casey Shea is doing after last night's complete meltdown. Truth be told, it's hard to say. Clearly he was pretty upset. I don't know. I guess he'll be okay though. Believe it or not, he's a pretty resilient guy. I've seen him choke before. I mean, did you see the debut of The Old Fashioned Ladies Club? One can only assume he was the sole reason we were unceremoniously banned from whatever venue we did that show at ... but in a testament to his obliviousness to the futility of life in general, he's agreed to reprise his role of Steve Jackson when The OFLC re-debuts next Wednesday at The Parkside Lounge. So, one can only assume that he'll pull himself up by the bootstraps and live to sing his songs again.

Mwah!

M

P.S. You're welcome.

P.P.S. The least you could is click on the various ads in the right hand margin of this site about 47 times each.

P.P.P.S. My savings account at HSBC will thank you.

Holy Crap 101: More Popular Than Hey-Zeus!

Hi,

Recently we talked about how famous I'd become since this band that I play in got written about in an electronic offshoot blahhhhhg of the NY Times. Needless to say, a lot of things have been changing for me as a result. Aside from all the "eyes and smiles" I get on the JMZ line, there are now a bunch of journalists in a place that I'm pretty sure does not consider itself part of Europe called Ireland that have been following me around and writing about records that I played bass on. To wit, the rest of this sentence is a link to a digital representation of a review for The Harvest Ministers new album "Strange Love Letter" that was published on the byproduct of trees that have been cut down and pulped and dried by a publication called The Irish Times. Apparently the Irish Times is some small country's equivalent to The NY Times. And for those of you who are too scared to click on links lest you be inundated with letters from all those creditors you thought would just disappear, below is a photographic representation of a different review for the same album. You'll recognize me from the sentence that says "Their studied expertise brings an exciting sheen to Merriman's repertoire".

Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise.

Has a nice ring to it, huh?

Speaking of studied expertise, I'm listening to this while I type this sentence imagining what color underwear you have on while you read this.

Anyway, here's the other review of the awesome album that Andy Fitzpatrick produced and Mark Marshall played on and I played on:

Speaking of Andy... can you believe he's playing a gig? What? He doesn't even know what a blog is! Holy crap. Welcome to the 23rd and Half Century! And can you believe that Mark Marshall is also playing on the gig? And you'll never guess who's playing bass. Nope. You're wrong! Casey Shea doesn't look good holding a bass. So I am! Can you believe it? Anyway, that gig is on November 15th at some place who's name escapes me.

In the event that your life will positively end if you don't see Andy, Mark and me on stage together before November 15th, you should click anywhere on this sentence and be directed to the website for something called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club only to be redirected to something called a facebook page for a certain variety show you'll be attending next week.

(ED. Note: Believe me, I know that the black in the logo for The OFLC is not exactly the same as the background black on The OFLC site. And yes, it's driving me freaking crazy!)

Speaking of literally driving while crazy. Click the next sentence. Yeah, this one.

In related news, who told this guy he could sing one of my songs at his show tonight????? Wait. Maybe I am getting famous! Holy crap!

Okay. Clearly I've been productive enough for one day.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Happy Birthday John.

P.P.S. Happy Brithday Terri.

Variety 101: Banned In The NYC

Hi,

Did you hear the one about the country that may or may not have been founded on a certain set of principles that may or may not include religious and cultural freedom except as it related to the two or so million people that for a few thousand years had been living on the land that makes up said country and/or relates to Muslims? I forget the punch line, but I'm pretty sure it's a good one.

Speaking of punch lines, today is the day after my variety show got banned from the only venue that I ever wanted to do the show in. In case you hadn't heard about it, the show was called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. It was a music centric variety show, featuring sketch comedy and a smattering of vaudeville. Since we just did the show on Wednesday night, I'm pretty sure I still remember everything that I remember happening. Which may or may not be what ended up on film. But since I was educated in the greatest public school system in the history of revisionist history, I know that no one really cares if you get the story right. You just need a pretty good punch line.

Anyway, if you don't mind shutting up for about five seconds, I'll give you my version of Wednesday night in a little segment I like to call: "The Rise And Fall Of The Old Fashioned Ladies Club Featuring The Recollections Of Matt Basile" ...

Let's start with the superlatives shall we? Yes. We shall. Because this is my forum and I will do whatever I want and no one can ever not tell me to my face that they don't like what I have to say.

Anyway. Let's get back to what I think...

For August 18th, 2010's The Old Fashioned Ladies Club:

The award for Best Female Vocal Of A Theme Song goes to: Misty Boyce

The award for Best Comedy Sketch Involving A Violin Bow and A Shout Out To Palm Bay, FL goes to: Casey Spindler

The award for Best Looking Guitar Solo goes to: Mark Marshall

The award for Best ...

(Editor's Note: This edition of "Experiment's In Self Aggrandizement By Matt Basile" was interrupted yesterday so that I could play a gig with Mother Feather at Mercury Lounge. I am now going to try to get back into the proverbial "zone" here and finish my story about being banned from Rockwood Music Hall by listening to the new CeeLo track on repeat.)

... Interpretative Dance Involving Scarves goes to: Abby Ahmad

The award for Best Sponsor Activation goes to: Casey Shea

The award for Best Drummer Over 6' 7" Tall goes to: Chris Benelli

The award for Best Paper Mache Ball By An Engaged Stage Manager goes to: Angela Cheng

The award for Best Bass Performance Despite Jet-Lag goes to: Tony Maceli

The award for Best Special Effects goes to: Andy Fitzpatrick

The award for Best Impersonation Of The Olsen Twins While Taking Pictures Of Me In My Underwear goes to: Ann Courtney and Lizzie Carena

The award for Best Sword Swallower goes to: Heather Holliday

The award for Best Comedy Skit Involving Multiple Layers Of Socio-Political Commentary That No One Really Got But Still Garnered A Great Laugh goes to: Luke Wesley

The award for Best Critique Of The OFLC goes to: Pierre

And finally, the award for Best Execution Of The Principles Of Method Acting goes to: Michael Vitacco

Oh! And speaking of things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, in case you hadn't heard, the US has officially withdrawn all combat troops from "Greatest War In The History Of Driving Service Men And Women To Suicide".

In related news, did I mention that I started a variety show at Rockwood Music Hall and we got banned after the opening night? Pretty cool huh? Well, in case you haven't been there, you should know that Rockwood Music Hall is really nice. So nice in fact that, in the warm glow of it's well appointed antique lighting, plush red velvet walls, a truly marvelous wrought iron balcony with accompanying staircase and augmented by a particularly inventive make-shift spotlight held on high by the world's first "Human Applause Sign", a small town guy like me can suddenly be transformed so as to look so good that he gets mistakenly identified as a cross between Warren Beatty and Mick Jagger by a lovely patron who may or may not have literally crawled onto the stage in order to sink her pearly whites into the soft flesh of my buttocks.

Anyway, the show is called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. And aside from a few rookie mistakes, the fact that I remember a lot of people laughing through pretty much the whole thing makes me think the show went pretty well. So, with that in mind, we're gonna look for a new venue. Hopefully you'll be interested in coming to see us there too.

(Editor's Note: Have you heard this song...?

Mwah!

M

P.S. This guy is living proof that if you just shut up and write some good and then get up on stage in front of 200 strangers and sing your ass off for 40 minutes, you can sell every last copy of your new CD at a merchandise table that didn't even have a representative from your record label staffing.

P.P.S. The Power.

P.P.P.S. I'm playing with Nick Africano tomorrow night.

P.P.P.P.S. I'm playing Muddy Waters tunes with Mark Marshall on Monday.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Oh, and I'm singing one too.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. If you could see me now, I'm pooping my pants.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Not really. That's a figure of speech meant to demonstrate my reverence for Muddy Waters and how I am nervous to sing one of his songs.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I did however just finish a pretty big cup of coffee so in a few minutes I will probably actually be pooping.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. As you may have heard, I was a little distracted on August 18th... Please let the record show that I am proud to share the anniversary of the start and end of The OFLC with your hot mom's birthday!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Thanks to these guys for the bass amp last night.