Public Health 101: White House Christmas Tree Arrives

Hi,

Right now Joe Frank is on WNYC. He just made the comparison between sleepwalking and how, to paraphrase, the moment one realizes that he or she has wasted his or her life comes all too quickly, while the process of wasting said life is usually pretty long and drawn out. Although if a young person, say 19 years old, suddenly died after 17 months of drinking 37 orange sodas a day and eating a multivitamin every 2 minutes just to see how florescent he could make his pee, you could say that the process of wasting his life was relatively short in comparison to say, the life of United States Senator Lindsey Graham.

Oh, and speaking of men I would totally ask out if I were gay, Lindsey Graham is an United States Senator who earns roughly 200,000 taxpayer dollars every year while responding to questions about, depending on your perspective, national security policy and/or civil rights by saying things like: "This is a political promise made by Senator Obama when he was running for president ... There is no groundswell of opposition to Don't Ask, Don't Tell coming from our military. This is all politics. I don't believe there is anywhere near the votes to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell. On the Republican side, I think we will be united in the lame duck [session] and the study I would be looking for is asking military members: Should it be repealed, not how to implement it once you as a politician decide to repeal it. So I think in a lame duck setting Don't Ask, Don't Tell is not going anywhere."

In related news, I just got an email that says:
"Matchless (@BarMatchless) is now following your tweets (@imbasile) on Twitter."

Maybe you should follow my nfd;lkfhsdfgs;fdgjlsdfjkfhksdfhg;hsfdljgsdfgs too huh?

And speaking of dlfahsdlkjfhsdufglsdkgjhsdlgkslhdfs;a ... I also read about Alaska in the Huffington Post today and I was about to make a pretty mediocre joke about how coincidental it was that a certain former Governor, who Barbara Bush also thinks is kind of hot, has been traveling in an out of the Share The Wonder state over the last year or so and in a certain time period, of about a year or so, cases of something called Gonorrhea have filled the state with a state of hot air, or ballooned if you're nasty, that can only be described as a major outbreak. But now I'm not gonna bother with that joke because I'm all distracted because something called My Facebook Page is literally exploding with messages about someone who is actually funny that I just found out died. Find out why people in Germany care by viewing the convenient unauthorized distribution of a motion picture video clip below:

And speaking of convenient links ... Today I got an email that began:

"Dear Amazon Associate,

We have just sent payments to eligible Associates for the advertising fees earned in the program during the month of September 2010..."

If you know anything about business, you can probably guess where this email is going... It seems that my advertising earnings as an Amazon Associate were off by 0.3% from the previous cycle. Apparently, I've been remiss in not reminding you everyday that if you don't click on the convenient link to amazon.com, I don't get any free money. So, do us all a favor this holiday season ... while you're wasting all that money you don't really have to buy gifts that family members you don't really like don't really want, click on the amazon.com link in the right hand margin of this page. You'll not only be helping make the world go around. You'll also be feeding my ego.

In related news, The Old Fashioned Ladies Club returns on Wednesday, December 1st with a revisionist history of The 336th Day Of The Year!

This week's show will include...

The Insubordination of Rosa Parks with Captain Constitution!

A celebration of World AIDs Day with Steve Jackson!

Comedian Alex Edelman!

Daredevil Greg Feehan!

The music of Lee Dorsey, Jaco Pastorious, Magic Sam, Riahanna, Better Middler, The Doors and much more!

Mwah!

M

P.S. Go to bed.

Publishing 101: The Sabotage Thrust and The Fragility Of Living Forever

Hi,

I'm back. And yes, I've been wearing the same jeans for 7 days. Thanks for noticing. And no, I have not run out of things to say. Maybe I just got tired of saying the interesting things I am always thinking about to you? Ever think of that? I bet not. I bet you never really even tried to think about anything the way I do and if you had ever been paying attention during that free trial couples therapy session we took back in 2003 you'd remember that it is actually important to pay attention to the other person in a given relationship but you probably don't remember since the 17 therapists we met with never got a chance to cover that topic on account of the fact that no one could get a word in edge-wise through your incessant listing off of all the things that I forgot to say and how I didn't pay attention and and and and and and ... apparently sometimes it's the things you don't do that hurt the most.

Anyway, I just made a great breakfast for me. For part of it I used the biggest zucchini squash in the history of squashes that will take me the better part of a week to eat that I have ever boughten.

Here it is before I unceremoniously slaughtered it for my own sustenance without regard for it's feelings as a living being:

Here is an artistic representation of my satiation:

And speaking of artistic representations. I've been spending a lot of time looking at all the new and exciting advertisements covering up the bottom third of all the videos on youtube. Just this morning I was mesmerized by various ads from Siemens about some of those non existent green jobs that people keep forgetting about and rediscovered the lost art of unrestrained joy at receiving my gift card just for being the 1 millionth visitor when I was distracted by how this guy named Straw mispronounced incredulity and found out that Michael Foot died:

If you're done feeding your dumb face you can look at the video here.

And if you have friends that are foreign you might ask them to ask their grandparents if they remember this speech which is probably not quite as good as the most quoted speech in the history of speeches that are frustratingly hard to find speeches where he said, “I am an inveterate and incurable peacemonger ...” but no one will ever know for sure because I can't find the speech and everyone looks to me for obituaries about people that Americans don't really care about anyway:

Moving right along, the lapsed Catholic in all of us will be relieved to know that for as long as our unemployment benefits allow us to pay our phone bill we can keep on skipping church and living in sin or, as the case may be, wishing we were living in sin with someone we wished were actually divorced and not just thinking about it. That's right kids, for the low price of 34c a minute (plus connection charge) you can dial 0-826-96-80-16 and connect with the Line To The Lord! Once connected the Line To The Lord, you can talk to the lord from the privacy of your own conscience and confess to your guilty hearts content.

The Independent reports that while Protestants around the world were clearly miffed at being one upped by the best Pope in the history of people who have friends of friends who know Jewish people, some lingering questions do remain. For instance: "Whether God is at the end of the line may be a matter of faith." However, assurance is given that "the phone line was adding to commercialism and materialism in the world."

Thank god.

In unrelated news, or if you think 34c a minute is too expensive to talk to the lord, there is also a free service for those of us who have good aim with a hammer:

And speaking of Jedi mind tricks, Lindsay Graham (R-SC) is smarter than you think. That's assuming you didn't think he was all that smart. Assuming you thought he was the carrier pigeon for all things good in the world of keeping white men rich, you're probably pretty pissed off.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/opinion/28friedman.html?sudsredirect=true

Anyway, speaking of being pissed off, I have to wrap this up so I can go to Luke Wesley's house and listen to his new album. I'll be sure to set my stop watch so I can let you know how long it takes me to fall asleep.

Mwah!

M

P.S. If you have insomnia at 10pm tonight ...

P.P.S. The Misty Boyce Experience Power Trio That Plays Mostly Ballads will be playing at Rockwood Music Hall ...

P.P.P.S. Presented by some organization you've never heard of.

P.P.P.P.S. And as if you needed more enticement ...

P.P.P.P.P.S. Yours truly will not only be playing one note at a time for most of the songs in the set ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I'll also be talking through most of one of them.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Melting comes before rusted.