Variety 101: "Weigh More, Pay More" and Other Platform Positions From "The Problem Is The Patriarchy"

Hi,

Wanna hear about my life while I listen to John Lennon's album ...

... "Milk and Honey" right after I got home from rehearsal for Wes Hutchinson's ...

... show tomorrow night and right before rehearsal for Casey Shea's ...

...Halloween Debacle on Sunday?

Good. Me too. Here we go!

First of all, for those of you who didn't attend The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday night, you should probably keep reading since I'm probably never gonna talk to you again on account of the fact that you didn't come to The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday and now there's probably no other way for for you to find out everything that you missed by being such a terrible friend. In the unlikely event that you did have a good excuse for missing out on the best show we, and by we I mean everyone except for Andy, did all night you can print out the following digital representation of the poor excuse for a PlayBill that I made in the shape of a table tent and after memorizing all the names of the people listed pretend that you were there in the form of lying to me the next time you see me and thus maintain what's left of our fractured relationship.

In case you're not smart enough to figure out how a table tent works, just print the digital representation of said table tent provided above, disregarding the pink fold indicators, and while standing in the smallest room in your home, fold the poor excuse for a PlayBill into the shape of an airplane and practice flying said airplane around the room until you poke yourself in the eye, which will serve you right for missing the show.

And speaking of pink and the closeout sale for all the guilt inspiring yogurt on display at your local grocer, below is a photographic representation of The OFLC's latest public service announcement "Male Mammogram" that you missed out on by being such a horrible person. Anyway, since it's important, the point was that men can get Breast Cancer too. But since we don't talk anymore, I guess you'll have to borrow a dime from someone else.

Okay. I'm almost out of time. I leave you with a sneak peek at The OFLC's green room featuring Michael Karas ...

... who eventually went on stage and juggled to the tune of "Giant Steps" as performed by Misty Boyce and Chris Benelli and another photo that I'll let you describe for yourself.

Mwah!

M

Variety 101: Help Me Pull A Rabbit Out Of My Hat

Hi,

So, I have a question.

Let's say we were casual, friendly acquaintances and because my apartment was so small, I asked you to hold onto something for me.

It doesn't really matter what it is, except that it's not exactly small...

Which is of course the reason I can't keep it in my small apartment.

And of course, it's pretty valuable to me...

Which is why I don't wanna just leave it on the curb for the next enterprising New Yorker to pick up and have all to his or herself.

For the sake of argument, let's say the thing I ask you to hold onto is my variety show...

I call you up and say "Hi, I have this variety show called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club, but it's too big for my apartment, can I leave it at your place for a while?"

And you say "Oh yeah? I've heard of The OFLC. That's the variety show where you had that famous sword swallower Heather Holliday at your debut right?"

And I go "Yeah, she was there. It was awesome."

And you say "Dude, I heard about that. And isn't that the same night the guy did a 5 minute theater thing that coulda been a scene straight out of Jackass 3D?"

And I go "Uh huh."

And you say "Yeah man. I love your variety show. I went to the one two weeks ago and there was this great comic, and a dude who freakin' shaved his face while he was juggling bowling pins! Unreal! Is he gonna come back for this week's show?"

And I go "No, but he's super cool. And he's totally gonna come back to do that or some other thing that would never occur to me."

And you say "That's great, cuz I really like that guy. I mean, the Shakespeare guy was actually pretty depressing and I think the guy who sang 110th Street could do a better job memorizing the lyrics in the future, but otherwise, it was a pretty awesome show."

And I go "Thanks dude. I'm really glad you like it. Does that mean you'll let me leave my variety show in your apartment for a while? I mean, you can watch it whenever you want, just don't take it outside cuz it's pretty valuable to me."

And you say "Ummm, yeah I guess that's fine. I mean, I'm sure I could get some use out of it."

And then, let's say that after about a year and a half, you move out of your apartment and you call me to come pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then, let's say after another six months, you move again and you call me to pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then a few more years pass and you're about to move and you call me to pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then maybe you figure that since, all told, about five years have passed since I asked you to hold onto my variety show...

And since you've not only moved my variety show all over Manhattan, to Brooklyn, and back, and back again...

Not to mention the grand total of 17 sets of staircases...

But you've also grown accustomed to...

Eating your meals...

And typing emails...

On top of my variety show...

And thus you kind of sort of figured that I had relinquished ownership of my variety show...

Since for the last five years, I never seemed to care enough to come and get it.

Then, one day, you post a message about how you got a new 1966 Fender Twin Reissue Guitar Amp on facebook...

And when I see that message I think to myself "Hey, I haven't talked to that casually friendly acquaintance for the better part of five years!"

And then I think "I wonder if said person still has my variety show?

And then I say "I'm gonna email them and see if I can get my variety show back!"

Would you give me back my variety show?

You can hand deliver you answer at:

The Old Fashioned Ladies Club

Wenesday, October 27th

Parkside Lounge

317 Houston

11pm

Mwah!

M

Misogyny 101: Priv Lit and The Case For Eyes And Smiles

(ED Note: If you don't have a lot of time on your hands today or you like Mexicans from Brazil, just skip to the P.S. section. You're welcome.

Additional ED Note: Man there were a lot of typos in this first draft. Sorry.)

Hi,

It took so long for me to get online here at the other cafe I sometimes go to which is the same one where I may or may not have gotten food poisoning back on Father's Day that I had almost forgotten everything I was planning to write about today. Lucky for you I have a near photographic memory for anything I want to imagine through the lens of my own desires, needs and/or experiences, just like you do, except I'm clearly grown up enough to admit it and you still need people to say things like "De-Nial ain't just a river in Egypt!" about 17 times a week.

Anyway, this four eyes with the lame t-shirt from the 2006 Urban Outfitters "I am trying to fit in" line of men's clothing is apparently my competition in something called the blogosphere:

I wonder how many people click on his amazon.com link conveniently located in the right hand margin of his page? Maybe it's more than me? Maybe we could team up and help one another make more money, have more success and together find a little piece of something called happiness? Or I could tie a bunch of these flimsy straws together and use them to strangle him from behind while no ones looking at him or his dumb blog.

In related news, if you can name the sayer of the forthcoming quote on a topic that unless you're totally freaking stoned, you'll probably figure out for yourself, which actually makes a kind of, you know, sense, I'll buy you a gum ball.

“Well, if we’re talking about pot, I’m not for the legalization of pot because I think that that would just encourage, especially, our young people to think that it was OK to go ahead and use it. And I’m not an advocate for that. However, I think that we need to prioritize our law enforcement efforts. And if somebody’s gonna smoke a joint in their house and not do anybody else any harm, then perhaps there are other things that our cops should be looking at to engage in and try to clean up some of the other problems that we have in society that are appropriate for law enforcement to do and not concentrate on such a, relatively speaking, minimal problem that we have in the country.”

In related news, unless it's possible to have a person that is only .97 of an actual person, I'm pretty sure that Pat Buchanan is in the market for a new math tutor:

http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=153417

And now, for today's installment of "This Has To Be The Worst Idea Anyone Ever Thought Of!' ...

http://www.thegreatamericanappareldiet.com/

Which reminds me of a completely different article I am only about half way finished reading and may or may not have provided the preceding link which may or may not represent the views of the writer or editorial slant of imbasile.com.

By the way, if you've never visited imbasile.com, you should totally check it out. Not only is it a great resource for news analysis, a greater resource for gloating over the 2010 Los Angeles Lakers championship and an infinitely greater resource on where to see great electric bass playing in NYC, occasionally the dude who writes it posts photos of himself and, while it may seem surprising to hear from me, he just keeps getting better looking with age. One grey hair at a time. And I'm sure he never wakes up and spends 20 minutes in front of the mirror counting them.

Anyway, we (and by we I mean I) were talking about where I got the link to the article about all these women who've decided that they don't want to look pretty anymore. I got that from this article which was incidentally sent to me by a very pretty girl. Since this is a family orientated enterprise, I can't actually tell you the name of the website where I am reading the article but if you click anywhere on this the lower third of this sentence you will be taken to the article. The only thing I find problematic about the article is that it took so long (something on the order of six paragraphs) to use the word problematic. Fortunately for all of you "English As A First Language That You Needed To Get A Degree In So That You Could Teach It To Other People Who Were Basically Born Able To Speak English", the author does get in subsequent short order to the journalistic equivalent of a TKO: "... at once ..."

Whenever you see "... at once ..." you know there's a real point that's about to be made. Actually two points in one. It's kind of like when you play Tony Hawk's Pro Skater on your iPhone for 3 hours a day and you start combining your kick-flips with your hand plants because you know that you're going to get double the points. So of course, I figured this writer (if you can call someone who isn't actually published on paper by an actual publishing company with an office with windows and a mail room a writer... and an EDITOR!!!!) was really gonna knock my socks off with a brand new point when I saw the "... at once ..." coming from like, 3 sentences away. On the topic of something called "recessionista spending" ...

"Hiding familiar motives behind ambient lighting and organic scented candles, the genre at once masks and promotes the destructive expectations of traditional femininity and consumer culture, making them that much harder to fight."

Which of course wasn't really a new point at all but rather more like the entire point of the article.

Along with the forthcoming overarching point making quote that, as a card carrying life-coach to people like former Gen. McChrystal, proves Ms. Sanders and Ms. Brown are unmaried communists and should be deported back to the Upper West Side immediately:

"As one purveyor of high-end life-coaching services (who, for obvious reasons, wishes to remain anonymous) comments, “In our line of business, we have a saying: ‘Don’t fix the client.’” Once mentors teach clients to attain freedom and enlightenment, they can say goodbye to the high premiums they earn by telling clients they need more help."

In unrelated news, when asked to comment on the above referenced article and how the strong female role models of his youth helped shape the life and work of the greatest singer in rock-n-roll, Mick Jagger responded by quoting his own literary gem from the album "Beggars Banquet":

Stray Cat Blues

I hear the click-clack of your feet on the stairs

I know you're no scare-eyed honey.

There'll be a feast if you just come upstairs

But it's no hanging matter

It's no capital crime

I can see that you're fifteen years old

No I don't want your I.D.

And I can see that you're so far from home

But it's no hanging matter

It's no capital crime

Oh yeah, you're a strange stray cat

Oh yeah, don'tcha scratch like that

Oh yeah, you're a strange stray cat

bet your mama don't know you scream like that

I bet your mother don't know that you spit like that.

You look so weird and you're so far from home

but you really miss your mother

Don't look so scared I'm no mad-brained bear

But it's no hanging matter

It's no capital crime

Bet your mama don't know you scream like that

I bet your mother don't know that you bite like that.

You say you got a friend, she's wilder than you

Well, why don't you bring her upstairs

If she's so wild she can join in too

But it's no hanging matter

It's no capital crime

I bet your mother don't know that you bite like that

I'll bet she never saw you scratch my back

##

In related news, you should definitely mark your calendar now for the debut of The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on August 18, 2010 (at Rockwood Music Hall's fairly bland looking but good enough Stage 2) where I'll be reading War And Peace in it's entirety.

And speaking of misogyny, you should also mark your calendars for Tuesday July 6th at 8pm and come on down to Rockwood Music Hall's glorious new stage where I'll be playing bass for the totally self absorbed songwriter who doesn't even have a new song for the show, Misty Boyce, who will be opening for some forgettable guy who's name is easier to remember if you think of the writers of the four main books in the New Testament. Following that guy will of course be the Casey Shea band. But don't let the order of billing fool you. We/he will still technically be the opening act.

Mwah!

M

P.S. ...

P.P.S. Thanks Vince.

Minimalism 101: Pi Day and The Origins Of The Phrase Peter Gabriel Is A Wiener

Hi,

I'll give you just over $3.14 if you can prove that not only did you know today was Pi Day but that you also knew why. Of course now that I think about it I, I guess if you knew one or the other, you would have to be a real wiener not to know the other.

If I find out that you're lying, I'll tell your mom right after I give you a wicked charlie-horse.

In unrelated news, you may also be interested to know that you can make a pretty good pie out of rhubarb:

In the interests of full disclosure, when I was a kid, my dad grew rhubarb in our garden in Somers, CT. We used to eat it straight out of the ground as a snack in between him teaching me how to hold back my tears no matter much my feelings were hurt and instilling various methods for avoiding truly intimate relationships.

Also, speaking of wieners, I would like to go on record as having a new found respect for David Bowie for declining to be involved in Peter Gabriel's latest album, a work of self indulgent cover versions of some pretty fantastic songs where in an interview I might have just heard him say that he was genuinely surprised to have learned that "Boy In The Bubble" was really still a cool song even after you stripped away "all the African bits." Just in case you weren't alive in the 1980's and didn't have to ingurgitate Graceland in order to graduate from middle school, or for some reason hate short jewish men who exploit Africa for "all the African bits" as well as a certain "American Chicano rock band", I am please to provide you with this truly fantastic video, clearly wittingly John Cage inspired and someone Mr. Waaaaaaabriel could maybe think about taking a few hints from:

Here's another video. This one features John Cage talking about what Peter Gabriel should be doing:

Here's another video. This is probably the best interpretation I've yet heard of John Cage's most famous composition, at once getting to the heart of the piece and elucidating the subtle intricacies that make it so unique. Oh, right, those are the same thing. Never mind. Anyway, you're not that smart either so shut up about it already would yah?

Here's another thing I found when I couldn't fall asleep last night:

And here's another "high quality video clip" that I might need to "enjoy" right before I fall asleep tonight too:

In today's installment of "Next Blog" ...

The first one I got to was dumb. So I clicked "Next Blog" on the dumb blog and I got here:

http://veritasintheword.blogspot.com/

In case you're in a rush, the gist of today's contribution to the "Faith Writers (The Home for Christian writers!)" lexicon by Travis Miller was eloquently summed up in the sentence before his penultimate one wherein he provides a glimpse into a truly "divine nature that we cannot even begin to grasp within our frame of mind.": Jesus is the one that is big enough to hand the larger scale things."

Finally, in response to The Big O's latest dim-witted effort to help control costs and improve performance pertaining to issues that by and large have the biggest effect on long term economic stability and overall productivity for the greatest country in the history of countries that have "lost ground" to other nations to the point where we now fear that "the nation that out-educates us today will out-compete us tomorrow ..." former Playgirl centerfold cum Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown said: "... an entire year has gone to waste. Millions of Americans have lost their jobs, and many more jobs are in danger. Even now, the president still hasn't gotten the message. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go work on my abs."

And another thing ... here's an example of me playing 8th notes on the root of each chord just like i'll be doing on Tuesday March 30th during Misty Boyce's Album Release show at Mercury Lounge right here in the still rainy and cold NYC:

I'd like to thank Adam Clayton for getting us all to chill the f#@k out.

And one last thing if you don't mind. Assuming you too ever wondered how awesome the Red hot Chili Peppers would be if John Frusciante was also the singer, you should watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxPzZOcObus&feature=related

Assuming you like Anthony Kiedis as a singer because he has the same haircut as me ... you should get a different barber.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Sometimes I can't tell if my neighbors children are praying or whining after getting the crap beaten out of them.

P.P.S. If you still need something like you need a hole in your head ...

P.P.P.S. You should click on the following link ...

P.P.P.P.S. http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/

P.P.P.P.P.S. You're welcome.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. As always, you can say thank you (and help me pay my rent) by purchasing the latest release from Justin, "My World 2.o" via the convenient link to amazon.com located in the right hand margin of this page.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. You can thank me for that listening experience later ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Hint: For help finding a suitable restaurant experience to impress me with your indebtedness ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Visit menupages.com and sort the restaurants by price ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Any of the $$$$$ establishments will do ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. And yes, I'm happy to travel to your neighborhood.

Mathematics 101: Caloric Intake and The History Of Being Brave

Hi,

Have you ever eaten chicken sausage? What does a chicken that produces sausage look like exactly? Maybe I don't know what sausage really is. You know how sometimes something has a name and is associated with another thing and makes you think that the two things are intrinsically related but in reality the two things could be separated and associated with some other things and it wouldn't matter to anyone? I'm gonna look up sausage. Hang on, I'll be right back. In the meantime, since I don't cook breakfast for us anymore, I figured it might be nice to show you one more example of the many exciting about my life that you missed out on this morning:

Anyway, it seems that sausage is not a food unique to pork after all but instead a way to take all the parts of pretty much any animal that no one would normally want to eat unless you were starving because you got lost on vacation and ended up on an abandoned ski slope and your only other food option was to carve out a healthy piece of your soon to be insignificant other's buttocks. Just as I suspected. But I never had it made from chicken before so I didn't really know. And if you're like me and spent your after school afternoons at your friend _______'s house because his mom would let you eat anything you wanted while watching G.I. Joe, you know that "knowing is half the battle". The other half, I presume involves blowing m@ther f#@kers away with various hi-tech weaponry.

And speaking of definitions. Today I'd like to look up the word "proud". And since I pretty much get to do whatever I want because I am a full grown man with grey hairs and everything, I'm gonna do that right now...

Also just as I suspected, there are a lot of ways to use the word "proud" as an adjective:

1. feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something regarded as highly honorable or creditable to oneself (often fol. by of, an infinitive, or a clause).

2. having, proceeding from, or showing a high opinion of one's own dignity, importance, or superiority.

3. having or showing self-respect or self-esteem.

4. highly gratifying to the feelings or self-esteem: It was a proud day for him when his son entered college.

5. highly honorable or creditable: a proud achievement.

6. stately, majestic, or magnificent: proud cities.

7. of lofty dignity or distinction: a proud name; proud nobles.

8. Chiefly South Midland and Southern U.S. pleased; happy: I'm proud to meet you.

9. full of vigor and spirit: a proud young stallion.

10. (Obsolete.) brave.

For some reason I always assumed that the real definition of "proud" would have stopped at the first half of the first entry. But like so many things in life, I guess I didn't really think it through all the way to the part where being "proud" can simply relate to something "creditable" to one's self and doesn't really have to be "highly honorable" at all. All of this, as if you needed clarification, serves as a segue into today's installment of "I Am Proud Of Something That I Felt Like We Had To Do Even Though It's All Part Of A Greater Issue I Really Wish We As A People Didn't Have To Deal With At All Even Though Being Proud Of Ordering Something Like The Torturing Of Other People Is Usually Reserved For Psychopaths Or People That Countries Like The USA Defend The Rest Of The World From - or - Paraphrasing And The Words I Just Used To Paraphrase A Recent Interview With Karl Rove" ...

Of course, if we assume he's not lying I'd like to go on record and say that I'm really glad Jimmy Carter wasn't the POTUS for the last decade. Of course, or then again, maybe if we spent close to a trillion dollars building houses for people in Afghanistan and Iraq or Yemen or wherever, then maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't be trying to terrorize us all the time. But I guess we'll never know.

We do know however that the average cost of building a Habitat For Humanity house in say, oh pretty much any country we would consider Third World is less than $3k (US). In India it's less than $2k. And thanks to the map of the world on my shower curtain I know that Afghanistan is pretty close to India. But since I don't know how much it costs to build a Habitat For Humanity house in Afghanistan because "... HFH Afghanistan is currently not hosting any international volunteers. It hopes to welcome Global Village teams when the political situation stabilizes ..." I'm gonna go ahead and use 3k for a little exercise I'd like to call: Math.

First, if we divide the roughly Nine Hundred And Seventy Billion Dollars we've spent beating the s#!t out of and/or liberating Afghanistan and Iraq over the last 9ish years by the roughly Three Thousand Dollars it takes to build someone a decent house in say, oh pretty much and country we consider Third World ... I'm pretty sure you end up with roughly Three Hundred And Twenty Three Million Homes.

Second, if you add the population of Afghanistan (just over 28 Million) and the population of Iraq (just over 30 Million) you get a number somewhere around 60 Million.

Now, even if you assume that Iraq and Afghanistan have a bunch of illegal immigrants running around stealing everyone's job and refusing to fill out their census forms like we do here in the greatest country in the history of countries that celebrate religious freedom since people started lighting women on fire for being witches, we can pretty safely assume that there's definitely not more than 100 Million people in the two countries we've been talking about combined.

Now, if we assume that my math about the amount of houses you could build for almost a Trillion Dollars is correct, you could then do something I like to call: Subtraction. If you did that with the numbers 323M and 100M, you would then know that you'd end up with about Two Hundred And Twenty Three Million extra houses.

Now, anyone with half a brain knows that building 223,000,000 houses that didn't even need to be built is a total waste of money. Thank god we didn't do that.

Really? It's just a quarter for the large popcorn? I'll take it!

In related news, there's apparently a big debate going on about what time kids should start school everyday and how having them go to school early was originally all on account of the fact that lots of people used to have farms and kids that went to school (read: BOOOOOOOORING!) would have to work on the farm when they got home after being indoctrinated into the communist party through the teachings of Charles Darwin. Shockingly there are a bunch of lazy communists that think letting their underachieving kids sleep an extra hour in the morning is a faster track to helping them get their fair share of the american pie than actually being a parent and informing their kids that "no honey, it's not appropriate for you to stay in your room all evening with the door closed sending dirty pictures to that future home-wrecker of a dirtbag you wish was your boyfriend" and actually making them do all that homework that was assigned through the grace of all those taxes they pay in order to live in the nice neighborhood that they really can't afford.

In other more related news, Miss Misty Boyce (that's Miss Misty Boyce if you're nasty) will be celebrating the release of the greatest album ever recorded by Misty Boyce in the history of albums where I play bass on two tracks that are incorrectly listed on the liner notes with a show at Mercury Lounge here in cold and rainy NYC on Tuesday, March 3oth at 10pm. You can thank me later for telling you early. And while you may be disappointed to learn that the album doesn't have the song on it where I talk at the same time as she sings, we pretty much always play it live so if you come to the show you'll get to hear me talk while she sings. But that only happens on one of the songs so don't get too excited.

Finally, today's installment of Next Blog takes us into the unique world of metaletalolology:

http://suemcnenly.blogspot.com

Here you'll find Sue McNenly. She is not only baffled by people with no opinions but is also apparently proud to read an average of three books per week. I haven't even started to read any of the books on her "hall of fame".

Mwah!

M

P.S. I'd like to thank Mrs. Folta for teaching me how to plus in the 2nd grade.

P.P.S. I'd also like to thank my mom being a such a pain in the ass about getting my homework done before we all sat down to watch All In The Family.

P.P.P.S. I'd also like to thank Carroll O'Connor for doing such a great job of imitating my dad.

P.P.P.P.S. I'd also like to thank someone I have completely forgotten about for leaving me alone for a few weeks.

Fashion Policing 101: I Like Your Font Too. No, I Like Your Font Better ...

Hi,

I just got back from the show with Misty Boyce and since my phone isn't ringing I figured I might as well talk to you because you like me so much.

Before the show with her I started listening to this guy because I found out he died when I went to the Radiohead website to find out when the Thom York err, Atoms For Peace show was that I know I'm not gonna be able to get tickets for anyway.

Today's installment of "Next Blog" features several of the God's best idea.

http://huiying0108.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

Before I go to bed, I have to ask, do you too get these emails that say things like, "... when I talked about change on the campaign, this is what I was talking about: coming together to solve a huge problem that has been troubling America for 100 years and standing up to the special interests to deliver a brighter, smarter future for generations to come ..." from someone at once claiming to be Barack Obama and that the messenger is not a candidate nor has a campaign committee that is in any way involved in one of the most involved propaganda machines in the history of Flash infused email?

Just curious.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to write tomorrow but but before you get all bent out of shape if I don't you should know that the reason will be that I will be in the studio with both Thunder and Lightning. We're making an album.

Mwah!

M

P.S. I threw away the pictures from the photo booth.

P.P.S. Our outfits were really clashing that day.

Publishing 101: The Sabotage Thrust and The Fragility Of Living Forever

Hi,

I'm back. And yes, I've been wearing the same jeans for 7 days. Thanks for noticing. And no, I have not run out of things to say. Maybe I just got tired of saying the interesting things I am always thinking about to you? Ever think of that? I bet not. I bet you never really even tried to think about anything the way I do and if you had ever been paying attention during that free trial couples therapy session we took back in 2003 you'd remember that it is actually important to pay attention to the other person in a given relationship but you probably don't remember since the 17 therapists we met with never got a chance to cover that topic on account of the fact that no one could get a word in edge-wise through your incessant listing off of all the things that I forgot to say and how I didn't pay attention and and and and and and ... apparently sometimes it's the things you don't do that hurt the most.

Anyway, I just made a great breakfast for me. For part of it I used the biggest zucchini squash in the history of squashes that will take me the better part of a week to eat that I have ever boughten.

Here it is before I unceremoniously slaughtered it for my own sustenance without regard for it's feelings as a living being:

Here is an artistic representation of my satiation:

And speaking of artistic representations. I've been spending a lot of time looking at all the new and exciting advertisements covering up the bottom third of all the videos on youtube. Just this morning I was mesmerized by various ads from Siemens about some of those non existent green jobs that people keep forgetting about and rediscovered the lost art of unrestrained joy at receiving my gift card just for being the 1 millionth visitor when I was distracted by how this guy named Straw mispronounced incredulity and found out that Michael Foot died:

If you're done feeding your dumb face you can look at the video here.

And if you have friends that are foreign you might ask them to ask their grandparents if they remember this speech which is probably not quite as good as the most quoted speech in the history of speeches that are frustratingly hard to find speeches where he said, “I am an inveterate and incurable peacemonger ...” but no one will ever know for sure because I can't find the speech and everyone looks to me for obituaries about people that Americans don't really care about anyway:

Moving right along, the lapsed Catholic in all of us will be relieved to know that for as long as our unemployment benefits allow us to pay our phone bill we can keep on skipping church and living in sin or, as the case may be, wishing we were living in sin with someone we wished were actually divorced and not just thinking about it. That's right kids, for the low price of 34c a minute (plus connection charge) you can dial 0-826-96-80-16 and connect with the Line To The Lord! Once connected the Line To The Lord, you can talk to the lord from the privacy of your own conscience and confess to your guilty hearts content.

The Independent reports that while Protestants around the world were clearly miffed at being one upped by the best Pope in the history of people who have friends of friends who know Jewish people, some lingering questions do remain. For instance: "Whether God is at the end of the line may be a matter of faith." However, assurance is given that "the phone line was adding to commercialism and materialism in the world."

Thank god.

In unrelated news, or if you think 34c a minute is too expensive to talk to the lord, there is also a free service for those of us who have good aim with a hammer:

And speaking of Jedi mind tricks, Lindsay Graham (R-SC) is smarter than you think. That's assuming you didn't think he was all that smart. Assuming you thought he was the carrier pigeon for all things good in the world of keeping white men rich, you're probably pretty pissed off.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/opinion/28friedman.html?sudsredirect=true

Anyway, speaking of being pissed off, I have to wrap this up so I can go to Luke Wesley's house and listen to his new album. I'll be sure to set my stop watch so I can let you know how long it takes me to fall asleep.

Mwah!

M

P.S. If you have insomnia at 10pm tonight ...

P.P.S. The Misty Boyce Experience Power Trio That Plays Mostly Ballads will be playing at Rockwood Music Hall ...

P.P.P.S. Presented by some organization you've never heard of.

P.P.P.P.S. And as if you needed more enticement ...

P.P.P.P.P.S. Yours truly will not only be playing one note at a time for most of the songs in the set ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I'll also be talking through most of one of them.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Melting comes before rusted.