Variety 101: "Weigh More, Pay More" and Other Platform Positions From "The Problem Is The Patriarchy"

Hi,

Wanna hear about my life while I listen to John Lennon's album ...

... "Milk and Honey" right after I got home from rehearsal for Wes Hutchinson's ...

... show tomorrow night and right before rehearsal for Casey Shea's ...

...Halloween Debacle on Sunday?

Good. Me too. Here we go!

First of all, for those of you who didn't attend The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday night, you should probably keep reading since I'm probably never gonna talk to you again on account of the fact that you didn't come to The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday and now there's probably no other way for for you to find out everything that you missed by being such a terrible friend. In the unlikely event that you did have a good excuse for missing out on the best show we, and by we I mean everyone except for Andy, did all night you can print out the following digital representation of the poor excuse for a PlayBill that I made in the shape of a table tent and after memorizing all the names of the people listed pretend that you were there in the form of lying to me the next time you see me and thus maintain what's left of our fractured relationship.

In case you're not smart enough to figure out how a table tent works, just print the digital representation of said table tent provided above, disregarding the pink fold indicators, and while standing in the smallest room in your home, fold the poor excuse for a PlayBill into the shape of an airplane and practice flying said airplane around the room until you poke yourself in the eye, which will serve you right for missing the show.

And speaking of pink and the closeout sale for all the guilt inspiring yogurt on display at your local grocer, below is a photographic representation of The OFLC's latest public service announcement "Male Mammogram" that you missed out on by being such a horrible person. Anyway, since it's important, the point was that men can get Breast Cancer too. But since we don't talk anymore, I guess you'll have to borrow a dime from someone else.

Okay. I'm almost out of time. I leave you with a sneak peek at The OFLC's green room featuring Michael Karas ...

... who eventually went on stage and juggled to the tune of "Giant Steps" as performed by Misty Boyce and Chris Benelli and another photo that I'll let you describe for yourself.

Mwah!

M

Variety 101: Help Me Pull A Rabbit Out Of My Hat

Hi,

So, I have a question.

Let's say we were casual, friendly acquaintances and because my apartment was so small, I asked you to hold onto something for me.

It doesn't really matter what it is, except that it's not exactly small...

Which is of course the reason I can't keep it in my small apartment.

And of course, it's pretty valuable to me...

Which is why I don't wanna just leave it on the curb for the next enterprising New Yorker to pick up and have all to his or herself.

For the sake of argument, let's say the thing I ask you to hold onto is my variety show...

I call you up and say "Hi, I have this variety show called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club, but it's too big for my apartment, can I leave it at your place for a while?"

And you say "Oh yeah? I've heard of The OFLC. That's the variety show where you had that famous sword swallower Heather Holliday at your debut right?"

And I go "Yeah, she was there. It was awesome."

And you say "Dude, I heard about that. And isn't that the same night the guy did a 5 minute theater thing that coulda been a scene straight out of Jackass 3D?"

And I go "Uh huh."

And you say "Yeah man. I love your variety show. I went to the one two weeks ago and there was this great comic, and a dude who freakin' shaved his face while he was juggling bowling pins! Unreal! Is he gonna come back for this week's show?"

And I go "No, but he's super cool. And he's totally gonna come back to do that or some other thing that would never occur to me."

And you say "That's great, cuz I really like that guy. I mean, the Shakespeare guy was actually pretty depressing and I think the guy who sang 110th Street could do a better job memorizing the lyrics in the future, but otherwise, it was a pretty awesome show."

And I go "Thanks dude. I'm really glad you like it. Does that mean you'll let me leave my variety show in your apartment for a while? I mean, you can watch it whenever you want, just don't take it outside cuz it's pretty valuable to me."

And you say "Ummm, yeah I guess that's fine. I mean, I'm sure I could get some use out of it."

And then, let's say that after about a year and a half, you move out of your apartment and you call me to come pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then, let's say after another six months, you move again and you call me to pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then a few more years pass and you're about to move and you call me to pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then maybe you figure that since, all told, about five years have passed since I asked you to hold onto my variety show...

And since you've not only moved my variety show all over Manhattan, to Brooklyn, and back, and back again...

Not to mention the grand total of 17 sets of staircases...

But you've also grown accustomed to...

Eating your meals...

And typing emails...

On top of my variety show...

And thus you kind of sort of figured that I had relinquished ownership of my variety show...

Since for the last five years, I never seemed to care enough to come and get it.

Then, one day, you post a message about how you got a new 1966 Fender Twin Reissue Guitar Amp on facebook...

And when I see that message I think to myself "Hey, I haven't talked to that casually friendly acquaintance for the better part of five years!"

And then I think "I wonder if said person still has my variety show?

And then I say "I'm gonna email them and see if I can get my variety show back!"

Would you give me back my variety show?

You can hand deliver you answer at:

The Old Fashioned Ladies Club

Wenesday, October 27th

Parkside Lounge

317 Houston

11pm

Mwah!

M

Variety 101: Thank God It's Fall ... I Can Finally Accessorize Without Feeling Gay!

Hi,

Lest you think I've neglected to note how much I know you've been waiting for me to weigh in on the really fu@$ed up NY Daily News article about Palladino being a big-fat-dumb-faced-homophobe who doesn't seem to understand that even if he were to have anything resembling a legitimate or rational reason to be opposed to gay marriage the fact that he is one step away from becoming the governor of the state that houses the most popular and, however gentrified it may seem to be if you never leave lower to mid manhattan, diverse and eclectic city that I know means that, like it or not, he is in fact now officially a public figure on the cusp of a very real and relevant leadership position in a society that for reasons that escape me, but can only be attributed to something called fear and/or insecurity and/or latent and/or suppressed homosexual tendencies, finds itself in what might be referred to as a crisis situation relating to the life and/or death of young people who display homosexual tendencies in public and/or private and that maybe, just maybe, it might be a good time for people in public figure kinds of positions to use a little bit of discretion and/or tact when discussing issues that make some people, depending on their perspective, want to literally stick baseball bats and plungers up other people's butts and/or hang themselves from a tree.

Anyway, I'm not gonna go there. I'm just gonna assume Mr. Palladino was taken out of context by the liberal media. But in case you missed what the guy who doesn't deserve to share the same first name with my dad said, I have cut and pasted the following sentences just to make sure I got the quotes just right:

“I don’t want [children] brainwashed into thinking homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option – it isn’t,” followed by, “I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family.” It was only after only after these two zingers that Paladino backpedalled a bit, offering “Don’t misquote me as wanting to hurt homosexual people in any way,” he said. “My approach is live and let live.”

Anyway, like I said, I don't really have a comment. But I do know the even though I haven't even kissed a guy since that one night about 7 years ago when that one girl thought it would ... ummm, never mind ... I'll be voting for a different Italian guy in November.

In totally unrelated news, Mother Feather is playing this Friday night at Bowery Electric, so earlier today I had to spend a little time browsing the necklace selection at Forever 21.

And speaking of things you're looking forward to this week, today I also ran a few errands for something called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. One errand was really a phone call to a piano tuner. Another errand involved finding out that, even though Halloween is just around the corner, most men are not very enthusiastic about wearing a Raggedy Ann costume. Another errand involved falling in love with google all over again for helping me figure out that a "tinsle-esque-backdrop-thing" is actually called a "Mylar Door Curtain". Another errand involved buying some Vanilla Chocolate Chip Hagen Daas ice-cream. Actually that errand wasn't really an errand so much as it was "dinner". And now I'm remembering that I just read an article that, in a manner of speaking, said that eating ice-cream for dinner might not be the best idea after all. Which of course now means that I'm going to be totally freaking depressed for the rest of the night and not be able to sleep well at all. OMG ... WTF? I am totes not LOLing.

Oh, and speaking of God. One of the other errands I ran involved a collar and a cross and a really big ruby ring and was related to another errand which involved reading the Bible. Or The Bible. Do you capitalize The in The Bible? Or is it the Bible? UGH! Writing is soooooooooooooooooooo hard.

Anyway, you can find out how my errands may or may not relate to Creedence Clearwater Revival on Wednesday at The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. It's gonna happen at The Parkside Lounge. We'll be starting at 11pm. You're gonna look GR8! I promise!

Mwah!

M