Just a quick news flash while I prepare for The OFLC.
In the following embedded video you will learn more about why The Lakers freaking rule and hear about 10 seconds of failed NYC rocker band Rich Girls anthem "Latchkey Kids". If you hate sports but love me, just scan to the 8:55 mark.
Lest you think I've neglected to note how much I know you've been waiting for me to weigh in on the really fu@$ed up NY Daily News article about Palladino being a big-fat-dumb-faced-homophobe who doesn't seem to understand that even if he were to have anything resembling a legitimate or rational reason to be opposed to gay marriage the fact that he is one step away from becoming the governor of the state that houses the most popular and, however gentrified it may seem to be if you never leave lower to mid manhattan, diverse and eclectic city that I know means that, like it or not, he is in fact now officially a public figure on the cusp of a very real and relevant leadership position in a society that for reasons that escape me, but can only be attributed to something called fear and/or insecurity and/or latent and/or suppressed homosexual tendencies, finds itself in what might be referred to as a crisis situation relating to the life and/or death of young people who display homosexual tendencies in public and/or private and that maybe, just maybe, it might be a good time for people in public figure kinds of positions to use a little bit of discretion and/or tact when discussing issues that make some people, depending on their perspective, want toliterally stick baseball bats and plungers up other people's buttsand/or hang themselves from a tree.
Anyway, I'm not gonna go there. I'm just gonna assume Mr. Palladino was taken out of context by the liberal media. But in case you missed what the guy who doesn't deserve to share the same first name with my dad said, I have cut and pasted the following sentences just to make sure I got the quotes just right:
“I don’t want [children] brainwashed into thinking homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option – it isn’t,” followed by, “I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family.” It was only after only after these two zingers that Paladino backpedalled a bit, offering “Don’t misquote me as wanting to hurt homosexual people in any way,” he said. “My approach is live and let live.”
Anyway, like I said, I don't really have a comment. But I do know the even though I haven't even kissed a guy since that one night about 7 years ago when that one girl thought it would ... ummm, never mind ... I'll be voting for a different Italian guy in November.
And speaking of things you're looking forward to this week, today I also ran a few errands for something called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. One errand was really a phone call to a piano tuner. Another errand involved finding out that, even though Halloween is just around the corner, most men are not very enthusiastic about wearing a Raggedy Ann costume. Another errand involved falling in love with google all over again for helping me figure out that a "tinsle-esque-backdrop-thing" is actually called a "Mylar Door Curtain". Another errand involved buying some Vanilla Chocolate Chip Hagen Daas ice-cream. Actually that errand wasn't really an errand so much as it was "dinner". And now I'm remembering that I just read an article that, in a manner of speaking, said that eating ice-cream for dinner might not be the best idea after all. Which of course now means that I'm going to be totally freaking depressed for the rest of the night and not be able to sleep well at all. OMG ... WTF? I am totes not LOLing.
Oh, and speaking of God. One of the other errands I ran involved a collar and a cross and a really big ruby ring and was related to another errand which involved reading the Bible. Or The Bible. Do you capitalize The in The Bible? Or is it the Bible? UGH! Writing is soooooooooooooooooooo hard.
Anyway, you can find out how my errands may or may not relate to Creedence Clearwater Revival on Wednesday at The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. It's gonna happen at The Parkside Lounge. We'll be starting at 11pm. You're gonna look GR8! I promise!
(ED Note: The following has been edited for grammatical errors and sins of omission.)
Hi,
Today I spent a fair amount of time on the subway thanking baby jesus that I thought to refresh The Huffington Post on the world's greatest portable phone that can do pretty much everything besides cook me dinner, satisfy my libido and actually let me have a complete telephone conversation in one sitting. But before I tell you all about what I read while I went to and from having a surprisingly pleasant and expedient experience renewing my driver's license so that I could rent a car in Florida this weekend when I surprise my mom on Mother's Day and win an award for being the greatest son on the planet, I should tell you that today I went the greatest voice over audition ever. Not that the copy for modern advertising is devoid of wit, languid linguistics or short on cunning deceit (see your local Lottery adverts) but today I must say I found myself pleasantly distracted from the news of exploding manhole covers apparently just 8 or so blocks from where I stood to find this little gem in my inbox:
Anyway, in order to calm myself down and not get too attached to being the voice of a show about one of rocks truly great singer songwriters, or anything else that I might in any way be even a little bit entitled to at least having a crack at, I clicked open my HuffPost application and immediately began reminiscing about all the stupid s#!t my buddies and I have done over the years. I thought about the broken rib I got wrestling with my coworker Franky while working as the announce on the California AIDs Ride back in 2002. Which of course reminded me of the time my pal and failed guitar godMichael Prince Rocco Vittaco were walking home from a late night of pool and $3 Buds over at the Blue and Gold and proceeded to have a spirited game of "let's see who can push his friend into a pile of rat infested garbage on the sidewalk of 1st Ave?" Apparently I took our little game too far and he ended up punching me in the chest, which of course landed me a different broken rib. While none would involve broken ribs, I could indulge you with more stories of adult idiocy caged in the guise of primordial male bonding, but I'll choose to digress as I'm certain you're by now just chomping at the proverbial bit to know the inspiration for my little trip down memory lane. And so with a strange kind of pleasure, I present the most f@#$ed up thing I read via the Huffington Post today in full, since I know how tired your index finger gets from clicking on your mouse:
A Chinese man has died after an eel was inserted in rectum by friends as, reports claim, a joke.
Doctors in Sichaun, China, apparently found the creature, a 50cm Asian swamp eel, in the 59-year-old man's rectum after he had died from internal bleeding.
The eel had reportedly done severe damage to the man's intestines.
While doctors were initially baffled as to how the eel could have gotten there, the man's friends allegedly confessed that they had inserted the live creature as a joke after a bout of heavy drinking.
After that I read about a dude who, after contemplating the following advice from his father ... "Sean, it doesn't matter what you do; just make sure it's something you're passionate about. I've been alive for nearly sixty years and have yet to find something I'm passionate about besides your mother." ... decided to spendthe last year getting a different job every week so he could find one that actually interests him.
And then I remembered that not only is today May 3rd, but that a long time ago I was adopted by a guy who among other things, did his best to keep me safe from the kinds of people that would insert foreign objects into areas otherwise intended as an exit only, was always supportive of and interested in things that I was interested in, and would have celebrated his birthday today.
Mwah!
M
P.S. Should you be interested in stories about dad's not being supportive of their kids ...
P.P.S. You should come to Banjo Jim's on Tuesday May 18th ...
P.P.P.S. And listen close to the lyrics of the third song in my set.
P.P.P.P.S. Should you not be inclined to give a crap what I have to say and you just wanna rock to my good looking backing band ...
In other semi-punk rck news. I'll be performing Nirvana's "Lithium" with Abby Ahmad tonight at The Living Room in NYC. It's her birthday. Don't forget to bring a present.
In other decidedly non-punk rock news, I'll be in the studio this week making something called an "album" with Casey Shea. I'll try to upload compromising videos of how I actually do the singing on his records. It's gonna be great. Well, at least marginally good.
In other semi-punk rock news, here's a picture of the first of two therapy sessions I had this past Saturday night...
In other really old semi-punk rock news about misdirected feminism and things that die:
I just wasted the last 40 minutes of my life reviewing songs for tonight's show with Misty Boyleover at everyones favorite place for a low-key hang of quiet conversation and surprisingly inexpensive yet thoughtfully curated selection of wines: The Canal Room. Thank god I had a great cup o' Joe from the bodega on Marcy and Broadway that has the humongous sign on it's awning advertising 50 Cent Coffee but when you go in they charge you 75 and will most like get a letter from me soon enough on the subject in order to get me through this snore-fest. Speaking of the bodega on Marcy and Broadway that has the humongous sign on it's awning advertising 50 Cent Coffee but when you go in they charge you 75 and will most like get a letter from me soon enough on the subject, there's this kid working there who's always working out his rhyming skillz which are way better than this overrated hack:
Anyway, he had a few pretty good stanzas going with this Hasidic guy, who trying to buy a bunch of newspapers that were definitely not printed in America all about why didn't the guy use his $10 bill to pay for his stuff since the total was $7.35 but instead used a $20 dollar bill and the Hasidic guy answered that he wanted the change and the kid riffed on that for a couple more lines. It was pretty cool and really made me feel like I was part of the streets. Then I got up to the counter and asked for the same thing I always get from this kid: coffee, milk, one sugar. He responded in a hip hop kind of rhythm: coffee, milk, one suagar. I ain't never been ... (insert really long awkward pause) ... with no hooker. It was really disappointing. And he totally knew it. But I kinda laughed anyway like when your friends that have kids go on and on about how smart their kids are and you have to smile and laugh about it because you're just thinking man, doesn't everyone know the difference between blue and orange by the time they're 7 years old? Anyway as I was walking out he called after me, "Yo! I'ma do better next time I see you!" I gave him a thumbs up! It was a real cool United Nations kinda moment actually. I like that kid. Too bad he can't rap for s#!t.
Anyway, I don't have a lot of time cuz like I said, I gotta play this gig and I have to leave for what will most assuredly be an invaluable sound check. And I just got a call from the guy that used to play drums for failed NYC rockers Rich Girls that I'm on the guest list for his show tonight with the worst band that ever blew your band off the stage:
Before I go, in today's installment of "I'll Cry If I Want To" ...
Don't forget to wish my 723rd favorite songwriter in the world a happy birthday:
I'll get back to all the other ageism issues later, promise. And the budgetary stuff too. In the meantime, because I know you're too damn lazy to look it up for yourself, profligacy means: recklessly wasteful.
Mwah!
M
P.S. There's another cool show happening tonight ...
In today's installment of "Late Breaking News and The Most Booooooring Stephen Colbert Monologue Ever" ...
This just in from the Associated Press: Following 16 hours of unmediated negotiation, Lady Ga Ga has offered a public apology and agreed to an undisclosed settlement for copyright infringement against the failed NYC rock band Rich Girls. According to TMZ, Rich Girls will be paid $6.2M to be dolled out in 37 hand delivered weekly installments of $167, 568.58.
At issue, as if you needed me to tell you, is the set design for her 2010 Grammy Awards performance with Elton John. As evidenced in the screen shots below, Ms. Germanotta clearly used the unique set design as conceived and built by one Michael Prince Rocco Vitacco for the Rich Girls performance at the Connelly Theater in May of 2008.
First, we present the embarrassingly amateur design used for Lady Ga Ga's performance last night...
And here, the results of true genius at work...
Said Sean Kensing (formerly the tall guitar player in Rich Girls) after brushing his teeth, "Really Stefani, did you think that sticking only to the arm parts of the mannequins, and painting them black, was gonna get you past the eye of history?"
Said Jamie Alegre (formerly the Mexican drummer in Rich Girls), "Yeah... No... I mean, Yeah."
Further details were not yet available, although Elton John was overheard to say that Her Ga Ga-ness was both relieved to have the matter settled and equally excited at the possibility of having an excuse to keep my number on speed dial.
M
P.S. Don't forget to keep clicking those google ads in the right hand margin...
