Mathematics 101: Billy Ray Cyrus 'So Sad' About Miley Bong Video

Hi,

You're not gonna believe this but, the woman sitting next to me is not using an Apple computer. What do you think I should do? One can only assume that the manager of this cafe would want to know. Maybe I should pretend I have to take a crap so I can ask the manager for the key to the crapper and then tell him that he has someone in his cafe who he should be actively discriminating against. Maybe he'll be relieved to know that not all the whistle blowers of the world have gone limp in the last week. Maybe he'll give me a free coffee in return.

Oh, and speaking of stories about people who sympathize with whistle blowers and as such better start watching their back, have you ever heard of Ron Paul? Even though I know you rely on me for pretty much everything you need explained to you, I have to admit that I don't know a lot about Ron Paul except that he is a member of The House Of Representatives, representing the State of Texas and if I know anything about congress, I know that The House Of Representatives is kinda of like being a senior in High School but still playing point guard for the Junior Varsity basketball team. You're just not getting to second base with Julie Anderson. Nope, not even if your dad let's you borrow his Corvette for that date to the mall. In fact, that might actually lessen your chances. Unless you live in a suburb of Hartford, Deerfield, St. Paul or Tampa. Anyway, sorry to have been mixing metaphors. You'll have to excuse me. It's been a long morning. For starters, it would appear that that stalwart of breakfast cuisine, Morir Sonando ...

... is closed? What? I know. I tried calling Mayor Bloomberg but his line was busy, or something. Who the hell is he talking to all the time? Doesn't he know I've got real problems. I mean, I spent about 17 seconds walking around the block to the next counter-seat-only Dominican diner in the greater Broadway and Marcy arena of Brooklyn to get my requisite high fructose corn syrup enhanced fuel for under $5.00. And then of course when I got this place to tell you all about Ron Paul, there was the girl here with the computer that wasn't an Apple. Luckily for all of us, she was duly marginalized, quietly accepted her station in life, and left.

Anyway, Ron Paul hates America and supports terrorism. To wit, feast your freedom loving eyes on his recent manifesto of submission as presented in the form of an aurally delivered questionnaire to the other members of Congress:

"Number 1: Do the America People deserve know the truth regarding the ongoing wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Yemen?

Number 2: Could a larger question be how can an army private access so much secret information?

Number 3: Why is the hostility mostly directed at Assange, the publisher, and not at our governments failure to protect classified information?

Number 4: Are we getting our moneys worth of the 80 Billion dollars per year spent on intelligence gathering?

Number 5: Which has resulted in the greatest number of deaths: lying us into war or Wikileaks revelations or the release of the Pentagon Papers?

Number 6: If Assange can be convicted of a crime for publishing information that he did not steal, what does this say about the future of the first amendment and the independence of the internet?

Number 7: Could it be that the real reason for the near universal attacks on Wikileaks is more about secretly maintaining a seriously flawed foreign policy of empire than it is about national security?

Number 8: Is there not a huge difference between releasing secret information to help the enemy in a time of declared war, which is treason, and the releasing of information to expose our government lies that promote secret wars, death and corruption?

Number 9: Was it not once considered patriotic to stand up to our government when it is wrong?"

Which of course reminds me that the conspicuous silence of the "Eric Clapton Camp" regarding an invitation to perform a goodwill concert in North Korea can only be a sign of said bluesman's latent terrorist sympathies.

Oh, and speaking of people who may or not belong in the greatest country in the history of countries where 90% of caucasian television pundits need a remedial math class, I'll be performing with not one but two, count 'em, two foreigners tonight at Rockwood Music Hall. That's right kids, Emerald Isledian Andy Fitzpatrick leads his band of handsomeness tonight at 10pm with the very Italian Andrea Long on something he calls chitarra. Don't forget... Immigracion is always just a phone call away.

Finally, if you're like me, or wish you were like me, or just like hearing about things that people like me like, you'll also be happy to know that one of my secret admirer's continues to hold fast to her rightful place among the also ran's for 2010. Whew.

In the meantime, I have to go now ad do some New Year's Eve preparation busy work for slave driver Queen Mother Feather.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Don't forget to do your holiday shopping at amazon.com via the convenient link to amazon.com located in the bottom right margin of this page.

P.P.S. Don't forget to make other plans for Thursday night.

Variety 101: "Weigh More, Pay More" and Other Platform Positions From "The Problem Is The Patriarchy"

Hi,

Wanna hear about my life while I listen to John Lennon's album ...

... "Milk and Honey" right after I got home from rehearsal for Wes Hutchinson's ...

... show tomorrow night and right before rehearsal for Casey Shea's ...

...Halloween Debacle on Sunday?

Good. Me too. Here we go!

First of all, for those of you who didn't attend The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday night, you should probably keep reading since I'm probably never gonna talk to you again on account of the fact that you didn't come to The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday and now there's probably no other way for for you to find out everything that you missed by being such a terrible friend. In the unlikely event that you did have a good excuse for missing out on the best show we, and by we I mean everyone except for Andy, did all night you can print out the following digital representation of the poor excuse for a PlayBill that I made in the shape of a table tent and after memorizing all the names of the people listed pretend that you were there in the form of lying to me the next time you see me and thus maintain what's left of our fractured relationship.

In case you're not smart enough to figure out how a table tent works, just print the digital representation of said table tent provided above, disregarding the pink fold indicators, and while standing in the smallest room in your home, fold the poor excuse for a PlayBill into the shape of an airplane and practice flying said airplane around the room until you poke yourself in the eye, which will serve you right for missing the show.

And speaking of pink and the closeout sale for all the guilt inspiring yogurt on display at your local grocer, below is a photographic representation of The OFLC's latest public service announcement "Male Mammogram" that you missed out on by being such a horrible person. Anyway, since it's important, the point was that men can get Breast Cancer too. But since we don't talk anymore, I guess you'll have to borrow a dime from someone else.

Okay. I'm almost out of time. I leave you with a sneak peek at The OFLC's green room featuring Michael Karas ...

... who eventually went on stage and juggled to the tune of "Giant Steps" as performed by Misty Boyce and Chris Benelli and another photo that I'll let you describe for yourself.

Mwah!

M

Variety 101: Help Me Pull A Rabbit Out Of My Hat

Hi,

So, I have a question.

Let's say we were casual, friendly acquaintances and because my apartment was so small, I asked you to hold onto something for me.

It doesn't really matter what it is, except that it's not exactly small...

Which is of course the reason I can't keep it in my small apartment.

And of course, it's pretty valuable to me...

Which is why I don't wanna just leave it on the curb for the next enterprising New Yorker to pick up and have all to his or herself.

For the sake of argument, let's say the thing I ask you to hold onto is my variety show...

I call you up and say "Hi, I have this variety show called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club, but it's too big for my apartment, can I leave it at your place for a while?"

And you say "Oh yeah? I've heard of The OFLC. That's the variety show where you had that famous sword swallower Heather Holliday at your debut right?"

And I go "Yeah, she was there. It was awesome."

And you say "Dude, I heard about that. And isn't that the same night the guy did a 5 minute theater thing that coulda been a scene straight out of Jackass 3D?"

And I go "Uh huh."

And you say "Yeah man. I love your variety show. I went to the one two weeks ago and there was this great comic, and a dude who freakin' shaved his face while he was juggling bowling pins! Unreal! Is he gonna come back for this week's show?"

And I go "No, but he's super cool. And he's totally gonna come back to do that or some other thing that would never occur to me."

And you say "That's great, cuz I really like that guy. I mean, the Shakespeare guy was actually pretty depressing and I think the guy who sang 110th Street could do a better job memorizing the lyrics in the future, but otherwise, it was a pretty awesome show."

And I go "Thanks dude. I'm really glad you like it. Does that mean you'll let me leave my variety show in your apartment for a while? I mean, you can watch it whenever you want, just don't take it outside cuz it's pretty valuable to me."

And you say "Ummm, yeah I guess that's fine. I mean, I'm sure I could get some use out of it."

And then, let's say that after about a year and a half, you move out of your apartment and you call me to come pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then, let's say after another six months, you move again and you call me to pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then a few more years pass and you're about to move and you call me to pick up my variety show...

But I never do.

And then maybe you figure that since, all told, about five years have passed since I asked you to hold onto my variety show...

And since you've not only moved my variety show all over Manhattan, to Brooklyn, and back, and back again...

Not to mention the grand total of 17 sets of staircases...

But you've also grown accustomed to...

Eating your meals...

And typing emails...

On top of my variety show...

And thus you kind of sort of figured that I had relinquished ownership of my variety show...

Since for the last five years, I never seemed to care enough to come and get it.

Then, one day, you post a message about how you got a new 1966 Fender Twin Reissue Guitar Amp on facebook...

And when I see that message I think to myself "Hey, I haven't talked to that casually friendly acquaintance for the better part of five years!"

And then I think "I wonder if said person still has my variety show?

And then I say "I'm gonna email them and see if I can get my variety show back!"

Would you give me back my variety show?

You can hand deliver you answer at:

The Old Fashioned Ladies Club

Wenesday, October 27th

Parkside Lounge

317 Houston

11pm

Mwah!

M

Holy Crap 101: More Popular Than Hey-Zeus!

Hi,

Recently we talked about how famous I'd become since this band that I play in got written about in an electronic offshoot blahhhhhg of the NY Times. Needless to say, a lot of things have been changing for me as a result. Aside from all the "eyes and smiles" I get on the JMZ line, there are now a bunch of journalists in a place that I'm pretty sure does not consider itself part of Europe called Ireland that have been following me around and writing about records that I played bass on. To wit, the rest of this sentence is a link to a digital representation of a review for The Harvest Ministers new album "Strange Love Letter" that was published on the byproduct of trees that have been cut down and pulped and dried by a publication called The Irish Times. Apparently the Irish Times is some small country's equivalent to The NY Times. And for those of you who are too scared to click on links lest you be inundated with letters from all those creditors you thought would just disappear, below is a photographic representation of a different review for the same album. You'll recognize me from the sentence that says "Their studied expertise brings an exciting sheen to Merriman's repertoire".

Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise. Studied expertise.

Has a nice ring to it, huh?

Speaking of studied expertise, I'm listening to this while I type this sentence imagining what color underwear you have on while you read this.

Anyway, here's the other review of the awesome album that Andy Fitzpatrick produced and Mark Marshall played on and I played on:

Speaking of Andy... can you believe he's playing a gig? What? He doesn't even know what a blog is! Holy crap. Welcome to the 23rd and Half Century! And can you believe that Mark Marshall is also playing on the gig? And you'll never guess who's playing bass. Nope. You're wrong! Casey Shea doesn't look good holding a bass. So I am! Can you believe it? Anyway, that gig is on November 15th at some place who's name escapes me.

In the event that your life will positively end if you don't see Andy, Mark and me on stage together before November 15th, you should click anywhere on this sentence and be directed to the website for something called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club only to be redirected to something called a facebook page for a certain variety show you'll be attending next week.

(ED. Note: Believe me, I know that the black in the logo for The OFLC is not exactly the same as the background black on The OFLC site. And yes, it's driving me freaking crazy!)

Speaking of literally driving while crazy. Click the next sentence. Yeah, this one.

In related news, who told this guy he could sing one of my songs at his show tonight????? Wait. Maybe I am getting famous! Holy crap!

Okay. Clearly I've been productive enough for one day.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Happy Birthday John.

P.P.S. Happy Brithday Terri.

Filibuster 101: The Case For Extending The Census Employment Bubble

Hi,

A quick late-ish night post with some late breaking news about the oil spill ...

If you're anything like me, you love a good pair of flip flops. I'm here to tell you that today I purchased the best pair of flip flops I've ever had. Operative word being best. I say that because you and I both know that I already told you that I bought them today. What I didn't tell you then is that the $1.00 flip flops I bought today are the best I ever had. That's what makes best the operative word. And of course it's just further fodder and/or grist for the grill for drill, drill, drill, drill baby drill because we all know that the best flip flop you're ever gonna get ain't gonna cost 50 cents if it's made from hemp. Pure petroleum. That's what they're made of.

Oh, and for all you people who have been working for the census and are wondering about how many weeks you're gonna be able to go to yoga 5 times a day as part of the $405 club, I just learned a little tidbit about a certain Senator that one would assume would have been the filibuster blocking vote in the debate over extended unemployment insurance. And I quote ... with a bunch of sentences that can be clicked on to take you to the actual article I was just reading after walking to the fourth place I've stayed since my apartment burned down wondering why it was that everything in the US Senate is filibustered but no one actually has to actually filibuster and thus stop the government from working thus making it a really freaking big deal to filibuster:

The major change in Senate rules that made possible the modern filibuster occurred under the leadership of Robert Byrd during his first stint as Majority Leader. Byrd introduced the concept of "dual tracking" under which the Senate could have two or more bills under floor consideration at any one time. Prior to this change, a filibuster ended floor consideration of all other bills until the one being filibustered had been disposed of. No appropriations, no nominations, no unanimous consent agreements, no nothing. All Senate business came to a dead halt during a filibuster, which raised the stakes on the members conducting the filibuster exponentially. The pressure that would be brought to bear if the entire Senate ground to a halt was one of the reasons filibusters were so rare.

Once Byrd changed the rules to allow dual tracking, filibusters became almost pain free. A Senator simply had to announce they intended to filibuster and the Majority Leader would use his dual track authority to move to other business and get around the road block. Over time, most leaders simply did a whip check and declined to schedule a bill if a filibuster was possible..

The dual-track authority is a fairly big piece of the puzzle. But the question, in part, is why it's been allowed to stand. Both Hill experts and political scientists argue that the reason, basically, is that the Senate has things to do. The frequency of the filibuster means that ending the dual tracking would be the same as shutting down the government. It would be a high-stakes showdown over a Senate rule change, which is not something that many in the Senate have evinced much interest in attempting.

But this is how the filibuster was normalized into a 60-vote requirement. Byrd responded to the slight uptick in filibusters by making it much easier and cheaper to filibuster, rather than leading a fight to make it much harder to filibuster. But he saw that as streamlining the process. It's not like the minority was going to filibuster everything. It just wasn't done.

Robert Byrd. Come for the apologies about youthful indiscretions. Stay for the inability to actually make people do what it is they say they are doing.

Mwah!

M

P.S. This new digital representation of an album's worth of musical ideas from LCD Soundsystem that I stole through Vuse is pretty cool.

P.P.S. Yeah, there's a few Talking Heads moments.

P.P.P.S. But I really like Talking Heads so I guess I don't really care that much.

P.P.P.P.S. Go ahead. Arrest me.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Andy has stage fright about The Old Fashioned Ladies Club.