Hi,
Have you ever eaten chicken sausage? What does a chicken that produces sausage look like exactly? Maybe I don't know what sausage really is. You know how sometimes something has a name and is associated with another thing and makes you think that the two things are intrinsically related but in reality the two things could be separated and associated with some other things and it wouldn't matter to anyone? I'm gonna look up sausage. Hang on, I'll be right back. In the meantime, since I don't cook breakfast for us anymore, I figured it might be nice to show you one more example of the many exciting about my life that you missed out on this morning:
Anyway, it seems that sausage is not a food unique to pork after all but instead a way to take all the parts of pretty much any animal that no one would normally want to eat unless you were starving because you got lost on vacation and ended up on an abandoned ski slope and your only other food option was to carve out a healthy piece of your soon to be insignificant other's buttocks. Just as I suspected. But I never had it made from chicken before so I didn't really know. And if you're like me and spent your after school afternoons at your friend _______'s house because his mom would let you eat anything you wanted while watching G.I. Joe, you know that "knowing is half the battle". The other half, I presume involves blowing m@ther f#@kers away with various hi-tech weaponry.
And speaking of definitions. Today I'd like to look up the word "proud". And since I pretty much get to do whatever I want because I am a full grown man with grey hairs and everything, I'm gonna do that right now...
Also just as I suspected, there are a lot of ways to use the word "proud" as an adjective:
1. feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something regarded as highly honorable or creditable to oneself (often fol. by of, an infinitive, or a clause).
2. having, proceeding from, or showing a high opinion of one's own dignity, importance, or superiority.
3. having or showing self-respect or self-esteem.
4. highly gratifying to the feelings or self-esteem: It was a proud day for him when his son entered college.
5. highly honorable or creditable: a proud achievement.
6. stately, majestic, or magnificent: proud cities.
7. of lofty dignity or distinction: a proud name; proud nobles.
8. Chiefly South Midland and Southern U.S. pleased; happy: I'm proud to meet you.
9. full of vigor and spirit: a proud young stallion.
10. (Obsolete.) brave.
For some reason I always assumed that the real definition of "proud" would have stopped at the first half of the first entry. But like so many things in life, I guess I didn't really think it through all the way to the part where being "proud" can simply relate to something "creditable" to one's self and doesn't really have to be "highly honorable" at all. All of this, as if you needed clarification, serves as a segue into today's installment of "I Am Proud Of Something That I Felt Like We Had To Do Even Though It's All Part Of A Greater Issue I Really Wish We As A People Didn't Have To Deal With At All Even Though Being Proud Of Ordering Something Like The Torturing Of Other People Is Usually Reserved For Psychopaths Or People That Countries Like The USA Defend The Rest Of The World From - or - Paraphrasing And The Words I Just Used To Paraphrase A Recent Interview With Karl Rove" ...
Of course, if we assume he's not lying I'd like to go on record and say that I'm really glad Jimmy Carter wasn't the POTUS for the last decade. Of course, or then again, maybe if we spent close to a trillion dollars building houses for people in Afghanistan and Iraq or Yemen or wherever, then maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't be trying to terrorize us all the time. But I guess we'll never know.
We do know however that the average cost of building a Habitat For Humanity house in say, oh pretty much any country we would consider Third World is less than $3k (US). In India it's less than $2k. And thanks to the map of the world on my shower curtain I know that Afghanistan is pretty close to India. But since I don't know how much it costs to build a Habitat For Humanity house in Afghanistan because "... HFH Afghanistan is currently not hosting any international volunteers. It hopes to welcome Global Village teams when the political situation stabilizes ..." I'm gonna go ahead and use 3k for a little exercise I'd like to call: Math.
First, if we divide the roughly Nine Hundred And Seventy Billion Dollars we've spent beating the s#!t out of and/or liberating Afghanistan and Iraq over the last 9ish years by the roughly Three Thousand Dollars it takes to build someone a decent house in say, oh pretty much and country we consider Third World ... I'm pretty sure you end up with roughly Three Hundred And Twenty Three Million Homes.
Second, if you add the population of Afghanistan (just over 28 Million) and the population of Iraq (just over 30 Million) you get a number somewhere around 60 Million.
Now, even if you assume that Iraq and Afghanistan have a bunch of illegal immigrants running around stealing everyone's job and refusing to fill out their census forms like we do here in the greatest country in the history of countries that celebrate religious freedom since people started lighting women on fire for being witches, we can pretty safely assume that there's definitely not more than 100 Million people in the two countries we've been talking about combined.
Now, if we assume that my math about the amount of houses you could build for almost a Trillion Dollars is correct, you could then do something I like to call: Subtraction. If you did that with the numbers 323M and 100M, you would then know that you'd end up with about Two Hundred And Twenty Three Million extra houses.
Now, anyone with half a brain knows that building 223,000,000 houses that didn't even need to be built is a total waste of money. Thank god we didn't do that.
In related news, there's apparently a big debate going on about what time kids should start school everyday and how having them go to school early was originally all on account of the fact that lots of people used to have farms and kids that went to school (read: BOOOOOOOORING!) would have to work on the farm when they got home after being indoctrinated into the communist party through the teachings of Charles Darwin. Shockingly there are a bunch of lazy communists that think letting their underachieving kids sleep an extra hour in the morning is a faster track to helping them get their fair share of the american pie than actually being a parent and informing their kids that "no honey, it's not appropriate for you to stay in your room all evening with the door closed sending dirty pictures to that future home-wrecker of a dirtbag you wish was your boyfriend" and actually making them do all that homework that was assigned through the grace of all those taxes they pay in order to live in the nice neighborhood that they really can't afford.
In other more related news, Miss Misty Boyce (that's Miss Misty Boyce if you're nasty) will be celebrating the release of the greatest album ever recorded by Misty Boyce in the history of albums where I play bass on two tracks that are incorrectly listed on the liner notes with a show at Mercury Lounge here in cold and rainy NYC on Tuesday, March 3oth at 10pm. You can thank me later for telling you early. And while you may be disappointed to learn that the album doesn't have the song on it where I talk at the same time as she sings, we pretty much always play it live so if you come to the show you'll get to hear me talk while she sings. But that only happens on one of the songs so don't get too excited.
Finally, today's installment of Next Blog takes us into the unique world of metaletalolology:
Here you'll find Sue McNenly. She is not only baffled by people with no opinions but is also apparently proud to read an average of three books per week. I haven't even started to read any of the books on her "hall of fame".
Mwah!
M
P.S. I'd like to thank Mrs. Folta for teaching me how to plus in the 2nd grade.
P.P.S. I'd also like to thank my mom being a such a pain in the ass about getting my homework done before we all sat down to watch All In The Family.
P.P.P.S. I'd also like to thank Carroll O'Connor for doing such a great job of imitating my dad.
P.P.P.P.S. I'd also like to thank someone I have completely forgotten about for leaving me alone for a few weeks.
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