Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wrahhk 101: Live Photo Blog of Mother Feather in The Studio. Step Two...
No, I will not show you a photo of me doing number 2.
Sent from my imBasilePhone
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Public Health 101: White House Christmas Tree Arrives
Hi,
Right now Joe Frank is on WNYC. He just made the comparison between sleepwalking and how, to paraphrase, the moment one realizes that he or she has wasted his or her life comes all too quickly, while the process of wasting said life is usually pretty long and drawn out. Although if a young person, say 19 years old, suddenly died after 17 months of drinking 37 orange sodas a day and eating a multivitamin every 2 minutes just to see how florescent he could make his pee, you could say that the process of wasting his life was relatively short in comparison to say, the life of United States Senator Lindsey Graham.
In related news, The Old Fashioned Ladies Club returns on Wednesday, December 1st with a revisionist history of The 336th Day Of The Year!
Right now Joe Frank is on WNYC. He just made the comparison between sleepwalking and how, to paraphrase, the moment one realizes that he or she has wasted his or her life comes all too quickly, while the process of wasting said life is usually pretty long and drawn out. Although if a young person, say 19 years old, suddenly died after 17 months of drinking 37 orange sodas a day and eating a multivitamin every 2 minutes just to see how florescent he could make his pee, you could say that the process of wasting his life was relatively short in comparison to say, the life of United States Senator Lindsey Graham.
Oh, and speaking of men I would totally ask out if I were gay, Lindsey Graham is an United States Senator who earns roughly 200,000 taxpayer dollars every year while responding to questions about, depending on your perspective, national security policy and/or civil rights by saying things like: "This is a political promise made by Senator Obama when he was running for president ... There is no groundswell of opposition to Don't Ask, Don't Tell coming from our military. This is all politics. I don't believe there is anywhere near the votes to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell. On the Republican side, I think we will be united in the lame duck [session] and the study I would be looking for is asking military members: Should it be repealed, not how to implement it once you as a politician decide to repeal it. So I think in a lame duck setting Don't Ask, Don't Tell is not going anywhere."
In related news, I just got an email that says:
"Matchless (@BarMatchless) is now following your tweets (@imbasile) on Twitter."
In related news, I just got an email that says:
"Matchless (@BarMatchless) is now following your tweets (@imbasile) on Twitter."
Maybe you should follow my nfd;lkfhsdfgs;fdgjlsdfjkfhksdfhg;hsfdljgsdfgs too huh?
And speaking of dlfahsdlkjfhsdufglsdkgjhsdlgkslhdfs;a ... I also read about Alaska in the Huffington Post today and I was about to make a pretty mediocre joke about how coincidental it was that a certain former Governor, who Barbara Bush also thinks is kind of hot, has been traveling in an out of the Share The Wonder state over the last year or so and in a certain time period, of about a year or so, cases of something called Gonorrhea have filled the state with a state of hot air, or ballooned if you're nasty, that can only be described as a major outbreak. But now I'm not gonna bother with that joke because I'm all distracted because something called My Facebook Page is literally exploding with messages about someone who is actually funny that I just found out died. Find out why people in Germany care by viewing the convenient unauthorized distribution of a motion picture video clip below:
And speaking of dlfahsdlkjfhsdufglsdkgjhsdlgkslhdfs;a ... I also read about Alaska in the Huffington Post today and I was about to make a pretty mediocre joke about how coincidental it was that a certain former Governor, who Barbara Bush also thinks is kind of hot, has been traveling in an out of the Share The Wonder state over the last year or so and in a certain time period, of about a year or so, cases of something called Gonorrhea have filled the state with a state of hot air, or ballooned if you're nasty, that can only be described as a major outbreak. But now I'm not gonna bother with that joke because I'm all distracted because something called My Facebook Page is literally exploding with messages about someone who is actually funny that I just found out died. Find out why people in Germany care by viewing the convenient unauthorized distribution of a motion picture video clip below:
And speaking of convenient links ... Today I got an email that began:
"Dear Amazon Associate,We have just sent payments to eligible Associates for the advertising fees earned in the program during the month of September 2010..."
If you know anything about business, you can probably guess where this email is going... It seems that my advertising earnings as an Amazon Associate were off by 0.3% from the previous cycle. Apparently, I've been remiss in not reminding you everyday that if you don't click on the convenient link to amazon.com, I don't get any free money. So, do us all a favor this holiday season ... while you're wasting all that money you don't really have to buy gifts that family members you don't really like don't really want, click on the amazon.com link in the right hand margin of this page. You'll not only be helping make the world go around. You'll also be feeding my ego.
In related news, The Old Fashioned Ladies Club returns on Wednesday, December 1st with a revisionist history of The 336th Day Of The Year!
This week's show will include...
The Insubordination of Rosa Parks with Captain Constitution!
A celebration of World AIDs Day with Steve Jackson!
Comedian Alex Edelman!
Daredevil Greg Feehan!
The music of Lee Dorsey, Jaco Pastorious, Magic Sam, Riahanna, Better Middler, The Doors and much more!
Mwah!
M
P.S. Go to bed.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Constitutional Amendments 101: Minn. Pol With Gun Outside Abortion Clinic Says He Was Just In Area 'Checking On' His Girlfriend
Hi,
As you probably didn't read in between all the time you spend hiding in the bathroom so you don't have to confront your significant other about the affair you're having with the neighbor's kid's biological parent's significant other and the fourth time you watched the opening scene of Before The Devil Knows You're Dead today, this evening's AP report brought to light another setback to the dying art form known as "Mass Protest, Or The Art of Taking It To The Streets". That's right folks! Today, overtime seeking policeman throughout the nation were disappointed that an apparently "loosely organized campaign on the internet" did not in fact motivate people to any such actions as would require them to stand around looking like total badasses like they did at the last protest I went to which you can see a clip of if you click pretty much on any of the last 12 or so words of this sentence. What? Yeah, I know, it's 13 words. That's why I said 12 or so. I mean, duh. You think I don't know what I'm writing here? What? Yes, even the time I wrote "there" when the context called for "their". Prove it? I just did. I mean, the only way for you to know I didn't know would be if I were lying. And then you'd still have to listen to me because the fact that you're reading this clearly illustrates that no one else in our circle of friends even talks to you anymore on account of the fact that they don't know how to tell you that you're life is going nowhere and now I'm all you have left. So there.
Anyway, before I was interrupted, I was talking about how interesting it was that no one who uses the internet protested the new and improved full body scanners at the airport and how I've been trying to figure out why the "loosely organized campaign on the internet" didn't become a more focussed enterprise? I mean, I totally think that everyone working at the TSA wants a weird X-Ray photo of my naked body. Because, I mean, it's obviously so hard to find pictures of naked people these days. I bet if I went to http://exgf.com/ I would never find a photo of a naked girl that may or may not be somebody's ex-girlfriend. And if I happened to like naked people that have the same chromosomes as me, I bet I would never find any photos by making the following google search: gay male porn. Or, like a certain someone in the first paragraph, I'm sure that no one just opts to stick with their netflix account so as not to feel like a total creep every time he clears his browser history.
(Editor's Note: I use the "masculine" because, well, let's be honest...)
Alas, all of this is to say that I am somewhat relieved to think that my Thanksgiving travels will not be derailed by the ensuant chaos of people who think their civil rights are being violated.
Oh, and speaking of things I do with the Stage Manager of The Old Fashioned Ladies Club, I sure hope they like to watch basketball in Minnesota! And, yeah, you should totally come to The OFLC next Wednesday December 1st. There you'll get a glimpse into what makes a girl who spent 73,423 childhood hours learning the ASL for her favorite Bette Middler song tick. Along the way, we'll explore the insubordination of Rosa Parks, celebrate World AIDs Day, and otherwise wonder why anyone could possibly be interested in golf.
Mwah!
M
P.S. Happy Turkey.
P.P.P.S. In case you're new, you can just click the sentence above for the aforementioned link.
P.P.P.P.S. Gun rights sure are cool huh?
P.P.P.P.P.S. Oh... Speaking of Air Traffic Control!
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Mother Feather is in the studio next week.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Cock A Doodle Dooooooo!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Variety 101: The Best Show We'll Do Tomorrow Night!
Hi,
In case you've been too busy fretting over the conflicting messages being delivered to your fat kids from the USDA ...
You may have missed a recent Reuters story outlining some of the finer points of geopolitics facing our great nation.
Fortunately for you and your short attention span, I've taken the liberty of condensing said article down to the following sentence:
"Iran is ready to hold its first talks with world powers in more than a year about its disputed nuclear program any time after November 10, EU foreign policy chief Catherine Ashton said..." and "... has dismissed the impact of sanctions and shown no sign of backing down over ..." this timeline because "... it says it has a sovereign right to ..." attend The Old Fashioned Ladies Club on Wednesday night.
That's right kids!
The OFLC returns with a with a revisionist recipe on the classic variety show cocktail this Wednesday, November 10th at 11pm.
Ingredients:
Three parts Music. One part Sketch Comedy. One part Vaudeville. Three Special Guests. Dash Political Satire.
Directions:
Combine comedy and vaudeville in Old Fashioned glass and muddle. Add music and political satire over ice and stir. Garnish with special guests. Serve with a smile.
Mwah!
M
P.S. The OFLC is sponsored by Harris Radio
Monday, November 8, 2010
Variety 101: Inside The Bruising Dem Leadership Fight
Hi,
Having fallen behind for the last ten or so days, you'll just have to assume that my life is either pretty important or at the least more interesting than the life of a person who keeps coming here looking for points of interest to bring up at dinner parties where you play the role of ivy-league-educated upper-middle-class thirty-something-mom on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Anyway, here's a little recap of what you've been missing.
1. The movie Tempest starring a young version of everyone's favorite hot older woman is pretty lame. Except for Molly. She was great. A real natural.
2. I'm gonna update the gig section of this page when I finish typing this sentence.
13. The following point references a rejected joke for The OFLC wherein I attempted to reference the bankruptcy proceedings of a certain used to be famous mononymous person while passing a tip bucket.
Having fallen behind for the last ten or so days, you'll just have to assume that my life is either pretty important or at the least more interesting than the life of a person who keeps coming here looking for points of interest to bring up at dinner parties where you play the role of ivy-league-educated upper-middle-class thirty-something-mom on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Anyway, here's a little recap of what you've been missing.
1. The movie Tempest starring a young version of everyone's favorite hot older woman is pretty lame. Except for Molly. She was great. A real natural.
2. I'm gonna update the gig section of this page when I finish typing this sentence.
3. Yes, Nick and Danny are also starring in The Old Fashioned Ladies Club this Wednesday, November 10th at 11pm.
4. Well, actually, yeah I guess you're right. Starring might be a slight exaggeration. It's important to be encouraging though. I think it brings out the best in people.
5. Speaking of The OFLC, thanks to a certain stage manager who forgot to get her voter registration changed from the great state of Illinois to the even greater state of New York, Steve Jackson and I lost the NY State gubernatorial election by one vote.
5(.5). Thanks a lot.
6. In unrelated news, you'll be relieved to know that Christine O'Donnell is still making the front page of The Huffington Post because she's appearing on a show running opposite a show hosted by a guy who used to rely on Al Roker but now can afford to run about a hundred and twenty seven ads on the front page of the Huffington Post.
7. And for those of you who have trouble sleeping at night, apparently there are also articles that don't show pictures of Christine O'Donell on the Huffington Post.
8. You too can find fashionable accessories for me to wear at the next Mother Feather show at The Dressing Room. Located on Orchard St. just south of Broome, The Dressing Room is your one stop shop for vintage bedazzlement (See accompanying photo), new designs from new designers and a fully stocked bar. Tell them I sent you and I pretty much guarantee that no one will care.
9. The movie Jackass 2.5 is pretty depressing.
10. I swear to god I saw one of the guys from Atomic Tom at a house warming party the other night. I think he plays the Sony Walkman, but I was too nervous to talk to him and find out for sure. Luckily for us, they've become too busy to perform at this week's edition of The OFLC. We totally didn't want them on the show anyway.
11. The net point I'm gonna make is something I like to call: Foreshadowing.
12. ...
14. The replacement promises to be funnier than the other rejected joke involving a boxing match between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr.
15. I bet my mom saw this:
16. This guy is a jerkface.
Mwah!
M
P.S. Don't forget to mark your calendars for today.
P.P.S. Nick Afticano is playing at Rockwood Music Hall.
P.P.P.S. At 10pm.
P.P.P.P.S. His guitar player is very tall.
P.P.P.P.P.S. 32nd best song ever:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
