Man, I've been having a really bad hare weak. And if you spend as much time in front of the mirror as eye due, you can imagine how debilitating that can bee. Sew much that it interfears with wons ability to type a convergent sentence or make cents of the world around yew.
In related knews, you may have herd that after spending the last yeer or so argewing about helth care, Mr. POTUS O had the brilliant idea to hold a six hour summit that wood use TV cameras to insight coherence and agreement on won of the moor pressing issues that most people don't reelie think that much about because their wondering how won jerk face from Kentucky could be getting in the way of they're unemployment benefits or until they or some won they no is about to go bankrupt because they Kant pay they're medical bills. Anyway, in case yew too were too busy windexing all the reflective surfaces in you're modest apartment that sometimes makes you think "what the heck am I dueing in such a modest apartment with all these roommates at my age," the NY Thymes has distilled the hole bovine stercus session down to 4 minutes that you're shure to find illuminating, or naught: http://prescriptions.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/25/video-the-health-care-session-in-4-minutes/
For those of you who are unable to sit through the entirety of the four minute video above, you may be interested in the succinct ruminations on the Democrat's Health Care Bill of one Lamar Alexander (R- TN): “It’s like giving someone a ticket to a bus line where the buses only run half the time." Which is probably true if you didn't use any of your $174,000 a year salary to take a weekend trip to the beach and actually spend a few hours to think about what you were going to say at the televised meeting with the president.
Anyway, speaking of that jerk face from Kentucky and people who look good in front of a mirror, today I was reminded how freaking funny it is that Al Franken is in the Senate:
In related news: "Moth Balls cure depression"
In more related news for which you can thank me later, I now present "The Funniest Video In The World":
And speaking of comedy and how Al Gore caused our current economic collapse in order to save the environment and other incredible things: http://ihatealgore.com/?p=1008
Finally, it's hard to admit but it's been eating me alive and I just can't keep it inside any longer. Tomorrow night I'll be playing bass for... baaaarf!!!! ... Casey Shea at The Living Room. Does it really matter what time we go on?
If you're like me, you've spent the last week keeping your eyes peeled for Boner. And if you're like me you're probably a little unsure of what to do beyond looking out the window of the J Train into all those abandoned subway tunnels around lower Manhattan. And if you're like me you probably wouldn't even notice the missing unshaved Boner down there anyway because you'd just be wondering: "Just how in the hell did somebody get 400 yards into this tunnel and another 20 feet up a straight wall to make that fantastic street art known as graffiti? Someone should really make a movie about that!"
Anyway, it's possible that you may even be thinking: "Should I be praying for Boner?" Like: "Please God, oh sweet baby Jesus, let me see some Boner today!" Or: "Dear God, I promise to be good and not drink alcohol, use swear words or eat chocolate through the rest of Lent if you'll just let me find that handsome Boner staring me in the face when I wake up tomorrow."
And since everyone knows that prayers totally work if you just believe enough, you're probably generally pretty inclined to get down on your knees and pray for some Boner. But then again, maybe it's been a while since you were so scared of getting daddy's leather belt across the back of your thighs for any variety of infractions ranging from a bad report card, striking out in T-Ball or falling asleep and drooling on mom's good handbag during the Stations Of The Cross portion of Easter Mass. And along the way maybe you've spent more than your fair share of nights smoking your dope with some hack tweed jacket wearing professor, who's idea of a productive weekend involves sleeping with undergrads named Susie who are bound to spend the next four years wondering why he won't leave his wife, pontificating on the finer points of a bunch of topics you were sleeping and drooling through when you were a kid and were basically sleeping and drooling through for the low introductory price of $43,000 a year as a young adult. If that sounds like you or someone you used to love well, you're in luck and today is your lucky day because Kirk Cameron was once just like you except that he's still got a couple of million dollars that he actually earned and didn't just inherit from a grandparent who mysteriously fell off the porch swing:
And speaking of ways to get rid of your grandparents, the Feb 17th issue of the NY Times reported on "... an itinerant, footloose army of available and willing retirees in their 60s and 70s ... marching through the American outback, looking to stretch retirement dollars by volunteering to work in parks, campgrounds and wildlife sanctuaries, usually in exchange for camping space." So for those of you looking for a great escape from the clicking of dentures, changing of bedpans or simply having to remind your grandma that your name is Matthew, the one who was adopted when I was only this tall, you can find general information and the location of the campground furthest from you live by visiting KOA.com. And for those of you who want to insure that you're grandparents are pulling their wait and not just wasting their golden years polishing their "Let Me Tell You About My Grandchildren" bumper sticker, you can find information about actually owning your own internment camp err, campground by clicking here: http://ownakoa.com/
In the interests of full disclosure, the Basile family were regular "Kampers" at various KOA "Kampgrounds" throughout and up and down the greater eastern seaboard when I was a kid. My favorite was the one in Rhode Island because there was this German family that would camp next to us and because they were European the pretty good looking mom of the family would take her shower right there outside in the open air and she didn't even wear a bathing suit or anything. That was the best KOA "Kampground" I've ever stayed at. Most of the other ones were kind of boring and I spent a lot of time wondering when we would be going to get fried dough and Birch Beer at the beach. Also, it's important to remember that while you can help me pay my bills by making purchases by clicking on the convenient link to amazon.com in the bottom right hand margin of this page, you cannot purchase a KOA "Kampground" by clicking through the convenient link to amazon.com in the bottom right hand margin of this page because that link is only for things that are sold through amazon.com and will of course make me money if you buy them by clicking through to amazon.com via the convenient link in the bottom right hand margin of this page.
In unrelated news, the good people at the National Association of Manufacturers are diligently devising ways to speed the progression of the US population into their chosen field and onward to retirement age:
And speaking of faith and why you don't really need to know what you're talking about at all, it seems that there is a growing "corrosion of faith" towards "other areas of science" due in large part to growing evidence that the effects of global warming are having the exact effect on global weather patterns as predicted by scientists: http://www.ft.com/cms/s/2/1700ab46-1dbc-11df-9e98-00144feab49a.html
And speaking of Casey Shea, leader of the soon to be playing at the Living Room this Saturday night at 9pm(ish) but the time doesn't matter because you should really just come for the whole night because I'm telling you to Casey Shea Band, today's quote of the day that was actually said a long time ago comes to us compliments of Milton Berle:
"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."
In the interests of full disclosure, I'm pretty sure that Milton Berle is also the reason that the 80's rock band RATT got a crack at fortune and fame on account of the fact that he is, or was since he's dead now, the uncle of on Stephen Pearcy. And no I'm not looking up the accuracy of that statement because it frankly doesn't really matter does it? Anyway, in case you don't have an older sister who insisted on keeping cassettes of Out Of The Cellar, Invasion Of Your Privacy and Dancing Undercover on repeat while you were stacking wood in the basement of your family's modest ranch home with aluminum siding in picturesque (why did we ever have to move to Florida???) Somers, CT, I offer you the following glimpse into my formative years and why your no-chorus-having-5:16-narrative-about-some-metaphor-that-no-one's-even-gonna-understand-and-doesn't-even-have-a-memorable-guitar-solo makes me wanna stick a broom stick in the spoke of yourHuffy.
(In the interests of full disclosure, the kid in the Huffy video isn't me. We couldn't afford a digital video camera in 1985 because the damn taxes in CT were too high.)
And speaking of torture, in an article highlighting the capture of one Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar,the Big O has deftly managed to at once stay true to his campaign promise of No New Torture and offer further evidence of the benefits of his Masonic sympathies. Upon learning that "... Pakistan was leading the interrogation of Mullah Baradar ..." and that "... The conditions of the questioning are unclear ..." and further being reminded that "... in its first week in office, the Obama administration banned harsh interrogations like waterboarding by Americans, but the Pakistanis have long been known to subject prisoners to brutal questioning ..." Dick Cheney replied: "F#@%ing genius."
OK, first things first. Before you start in about how I haven't been keeping up and how you've been checking in and where was I and how come I'm suddenly so inconsistent it might be time for you to think about not just why it is you come here everyday but what exactly it is you think you're looking for. Since I'm so insightful and helpful I'm going to be for you at once insightful and helpful right now and provide the following:
Anyway, how's it going? I sure hope you had a nice wee... Zzzzzzzz.
Anyway, I don't know if you ever noticed but in the top bar thing of this page there is a link to "next blog". It's a kind of internal goggle/blogspot advertising that takes you to a different blogspot blog each time you click on it and one of these days I'm gonna find the html code for it and delete it because I really feel like it's messing up the aesthetic that I've got going on here. In the meantime, I though it might be fun to click on "next blog" and see where it takes me ...
But before I do that I just wanna say to the young lady who critiques my creative editing of the grammatical rules of the American language that I appreciate her observations and will try to do better in the future and also that she should continue to create her own destiny whenever possible ...
I don't have much to say other than a general expression of dubiety towards the adult content of google's blogspot contributors:
Gamma! Really?
Anyway, in related news: I had no idea that there was Women's Ice Hockey in the Olympics.
In unrelated news: Tonight I did an amazing job of turning the lights off in between songs at the NickCasey gig at The Living Room(where Chris Cubeta and The Liars Club will be headlining a show this Saturday night featuring the best opening act in the history of bands to open for Chris Cubeta and The Liars Club: The Casey Shea Band) and while I was there, pretty much no one gave two craps that the USA Men's Hockey Team offered an encore performance of the mostly forgotten about and not even a little bit hoped for encore performance of the 1980 Miracle On Ice, sans cold war or this being a game for the gold medal or really any kind of hard feelings, eh? Said some Russian guy that no one's even heard of, Vladislav Tretiak, when reminded that he got to sit on the bench and contemplate how his underestimation of the greatest country in the history of Hockey teams that play with heart had singlehandedly paved the way for US domination of the entire free world: "They made a very nice movie — very patriotic ... I applaud the Americans for making a very nice movie ... very patriotic and very good for kids. The memories came back to me."
And, in case you too had to miss most of tonight's game on account of having to turn the lights off between songs of your 534th favorite band in NYC, here are some highlights:
I just wasted the last 40 minutes of my life reviewing songs for tonight's show with Misty Boyleover at everyones favorite place for a low-key hang of quiet conversation and surprisingly inexpensive yet thoughtfully curated selection of wines: The Canal Room. Thank god I had a great cup o' Joe from the bodega on Marcy and Broadway that has the humongous sign on it's awning advertising 50 Cent Coffee but when you go in they charge you 75 and will most like get a letter from me soon enough on the subject in order to get me through this snore-fest. Speaking of the bodega on Marcy and Broadway that has the humongous sign on it's awning advertising 50 Cent Coffee but when you go in they charge you 75 and will most like get a letter from me soon enough on the subject, there's this kid working there who's always working out his rhyming skillz which are way better than this overrated hack:
Anyway, he had a few pretty good stanzas going with this Hasidic guy, who trying to buy a bunch of newspapers that were definitely not printed in America all about why didn't the guy use his $10 bill to pay for his stuff since the total was $7.35 but instead used a $20 dollar bill and the Hasidic guy answered that he wanted the change and the kid riffed on that for a couple more lines. It was pretty cool and really made me feel like I was part of the streets. Then I got up to the counter and asked for the same thing I always get from this kid: coffee, milk, one sugar. He responded in a hip hop kind of rhythm: coffee, milk, one suagar. I ain't never been ... (insert really long awkward pause) ... with no hooker. It was really disappointing. And he totally knew it. But I kinda laughed anyway like when your friends that have kids go on and on about how smart their kids are and you have to smile and laugh about it because you're just thinking man, doesn't everyone know the difference between blue and orange by the time they're 7 years old? Anyway as I was walking out he called after me, "Yo! I'ma do better next time I see you!" I gave him a thumbs up! It was a real cool United Nations kinda moment actually. I like that kid. Too bad he can't rap for s#!t.
Anyway, I don't have a lot of time cuz like I said, I gotta play this gig and I have to leave for what will most assuredly be an invaluable sound check. And I just got a call from the guy that used to play drums for failed NYC rockers Rich Girls that I'm on the guest list for his show tonight with the worst band that ever blew your band off the stage:
Before I go, in today's installment of "I'll Cry If I Want To" ...
Don't forget to wish my 723rd favorite songwriter in the world a happy birthday:
I'll get back to all the other ageism issues later, promise. And the budgetary stuff too. In the meantime, because I know you're too damn lazy to look it up for yourself, profligacy means: recklessly wasteful.
Mwah!
M
P.S. There's another cool show happening tonight ...
Listen, please spare me your whining. It's really not my fault that you've grown tired of your job, or the reflection in your mirror, or the way your significant(ish) other looks in bear-slippers (or those stupid Miami Dolphins boxer shorts as the case may be). Whatever.
On second thought, maybe it is...? Maybe you actually miss me. But I doubt it. I'm really just another distraction that keeps you from getting on with all the things you were thinking about while readingThe Artist's Way (which you can, assuming you need something to help you induce vomiting and/or tell you that in order to accomplish a given goal in life you will actually have to work at it pretty much everyday for at least 10 years or so, of course conveniently purchase by clicking on the amazon.com link in the bottom right hand margin of this page) last fall. A whole lot of good that $14.99 got us towards you discovering and recovering your creative self, huh? What you really need to read is Who Moved My Cheese, right after you finish translating The Little Engine That Could into french and then back to American. But since all you ever really do is sit around watching TV and never finish anything you've started, I've provided the following for your edification.
In today's installment of "Who Me Meet With The Dalai Lama?" ...
POTUS Obama stated that while he didn't really understand "... Tibet's unique religions ...", at one point interrupting the vacationing Condoleeza Rice to call on her extensive knowledge of all things about other people to ascertain exactly where Tibet was on the Oval Office globe. The Big O summed up the one hour gabfest with a terse warning to the Dalai Lama, and further evidence of his throwing the greatest would be democracy in the history of republic's down the crapper, that "... linguistic identity ... "should not be confused with" ... the protection of ... " The "People's Republic of ... the United States and China."
Have you ever noticed all the ways that the rising sun is a really brilliant design for a flag. If I wasn't born in Connecticut and my Uncle Joe didn't almost die during WWII, I'd totally salute that. Which is good, because in another couple years, I probably won't have a choice. That's right kids, while you were watching that giant wad of quilted Charmin go down the drain after whipping the giant crap out of your underpants over the preceding paragraph's news that you probably live in a communist country, dramatic events took NPR by storm today as news dropped of Japan's ingenious take over of the entire economy of the greatest country in the history of countries that now pay a 3.7% yield on it's ten year bond which is about 323% more than my saving account pays me even though when I put in my money I was getting 5%.
A few days ago I was watching a 4 year old TV show and I heard the following bit of genius:
"I've seen better faces on a hemorrhoid."
That quote came of course from one Joan Rivers.
She also once said that Mick Jagger's lips were so big he could french kiss a moose.
I can't actually find that quote anywhere, but I'm really pretty sure she said it once and my mom laughed her ass off. That was back when my mom bleached her hair and smoked Salem menthol cigarettes. We used to extinguish her cigarettes in her coffee while she was getting whatever she was getting out of the refrigerator. She would, as you can imagine, get pretty pissed. Anyway, she always thought Mick Jagger was ugly. She also used to say that Willie Nelson looked like he "could use a good shower." She also doesn't think I'm handsome. I asked her once and she said "No, I wouldn't say handsome." But that's fine because this morning I had an audition with this lady I know named _________ who just last night had an _______ with a ____ for the FIRST TIME EVER and afterwards conned me into paying for breakfast at the best diner in the history of diner's where the waitress delivered the check to our table and asked me if I were a movie star because "you look so handsome, you could be a movie star."
Oh crap... look at the time! I gotta run.
Here's some further reading for tomorrow's lesson:
Hi, Today I have one of the lame seats in the coffee shop that makes me feel like I'm in Connecticut but am actually only about 12 blocks from my apartment in the building that could really use a better superintendent. I mean really, I don't like like cleaning anymore than anyone else that doesn't actually wanna work for a living, but has anyone around here ever heard of a broom? I'll buy you the dustpan for crying out loud. Anyway, this seat is actually more of a bar stool, which would normally be fine since I'm a pretty tall guy and I can rest my feet either on the rung of the stool or on the floor. It's really up to me and my personal feelings on comfort at any particular moment. The problem is the counter. It's not counter height. Which is of course 36". This non-counter-bar-thing is at least 42". I'm gonna have carpal tunnel syndrome before I finish typing this senten ... Ouch.
It's like having arthritis except there's a chance I could sue for it.
And since you asked, when you sit at the too-tall-for-the-stools-bar you're given the option of looking into this humongous wall mirror or just pretending that you're so absorbed with whatever the hell it is that you're typing that you're not looking up to admire yourself every three and a half minutes. Fortunately I shaved today. Or else I'd have to move seats.
Anyway, in other news that you probably already know because you've come to rely on me not only for emotional support while you tough it out through the ...
Wait. Stop the presses! See, this coffee shop plays pop radio. I don't know what station. But I kinda like being in the know of what's happening in America and right now they're playing a cover of Supertramp's "Give A Little Bit" by ... Hang on, I gotta google this ... I F#@%ING KNEW IT!!!!!: The Goo Goo Dolls. Ewwwwww. Awe man. Suddenly I feel so cheap. Thank god they're playing Shania Twain now. And, for the record, I think Brad Pitt is actually pretty impressive.
Incidentally, Shania Twain, The Goo Goo Dolls, Supertramp and all sorts of other popular music as well as all sorts of other things you forgot to buy me for my birthday are available at amazon.com, which is of course accessible via the convenient link in the lower right hand margin of this page and is not being linked to in the body of this text because if you click on the convenient link in the lower right hand margin of this page and get redirected to amazon.com I will make money off of whatever you purchase.
Yes, even if it's not a belated birthday present.
Anyway, back to me and how we were talking about your dumb feelings and how wonderful I've been lately even though I haven't really gotten anything in return save for a further inflated sense of self at the knowledge of just how miserable you'll be when I'm gone... on top of that, you've come to appreciate not only the accuracy of my journalism but also it's timeliness. As an example, can you believe that the Daily News is leading today with a story about the forbidden love between Joe Biden and Dick Cheney?
Actually, I lied. The Daily News actually lead the days news with a report on the latest in functional fashion from VPL, the Sweater-Kini. And really, who can blame them? Great work Kendall! We're all very proud of you. In today's installment of "All The ..." wait, I gotta stop the presses again and enter my certification of NYS Unemployment benefits before it gets too late and I forget.
Whew. Good thing I remembered and wasn't completely distracted by the genius that is "Need You Now", the latest smash hit to the top of the charts with a bullet fromLady Antebellum.
In today's installment of "You Don't Say?":
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was spotted at "a secluded royal hunting retreat where the vacationing king hosted her for lunch – and where a large-screen TV was on." Once properly outfitted for her pinko-commie "vacationing" she reportedly confided on the "private bus" ride to King Abdullah's "secluded royal retreat" the following tidbit of classified information: "Iran Is Moving Toward A Military Dictatorship"
In related news, celebrated music producer Brian Eno not only wrote the best lyric on Coldplay's last album ...
... he has also been giving some of the best interviews on the subject of music since at least 1976. While speaking with Lester Bangsabout his then current album "Music For Airports" (available at amazon.com which is of course accessible via the convenient link in the lower right hand margin of this page), Mr. Eno expounded on his then revolutionary approach to music: "I've developed a technique recently that works rather well, I think ... I lean on a parking meter, and every time a beautiful girl walks by, I smile at her. If she smiles back, I invite her up to my flat for a cup of tea. I moved to New York City because there are so many beautiful girls here, more than anywhere else in the world."
Lastly, I don't know about you but I sure was relieved to learn this morning that Evan Bayh has decided to relieve us of his tiresome partisanship and unceasing need to destroy the greatest country in the history of speeches written in the 19th century. And the fact that he chose to deliver his thoroughly unrepentant, vindictive and hateful speech as if he were reading a toddler to sleep with "The Feelings Book" (available at amazon.com which is of course accessible via the convenient link in the lower right hand margin of this page) can only mean that he is related to the devil and things are really looking up for the America after all.
OK. First of all, can someone explain to me why the lovers' spat between one former and one current holder of the easiest job in America is not only ruining my otherwise perfectly romantic Valentine's Day with you but has also been assigned top billing on google's news page?
Do I really need to hear Biden repeat his rehearsed responses to the drivel of the scariest person my mom ever voted for twice?
I can just picture 'ol Joe gettin' all worked up over his boss gettin' the what for when suddenly a thousand energy efficient florescent light bulbs light up in that oh-so-unflattering-way inside his head when he comes up with the zinger line he just knows will put him on the receiving end of one of the Big O's signature slow nods of approval, and maybe even a wink when they pass in the hall en route to their separate White House bathrooms. Normally I would copy and paste a quote to make sure I got it right, or maybe sometimes I'll just paraphrase a line and twist it to fit my own comedic(ish) purposes, but since he was so proud of his line I heard it enough times to pretty much have it memorized. "Dick Cheney's a fine fellow ... but he's not entitled to rewrite history."
Actually, he only said it twice. But still. He kinda had the same smirk on his face both times. The kind of smirk that says, "Oh yeah, I'm totally getting quoted for this in the NY Times."
And of course he will get quoted. And half of the country will think he's a real stand up guy and a real tough talker. Because actually, he is (I can only assume) a real stand up guy. In fact, I can't wait to vote for him again for the the easiest job in America. Actually, I kinda take that back. I'm actually kinda getting tired of birthday's... Anyway, I kinda actually don't think he's actually such a tough talker. I think he was actually lying and he should have said what I'm pretty sure he wanted to tell me the other day just before we got off the phone when he called to ask me how things were going in Brooklyn and when exactly I was gonna get around to paying my taxesbecause I'm being considered for a fancy new position in the administration. Something about Assistant Secretary of Protocol? Anyway, what I'm pretty sure he actually wanted to say was, "You may think Dick Cheney is a fine fellow, but actually he kind of isn't. He's actually one in a long line of aristocracy that will rewrite history to suite his needs and the needs of people that enable his lifestyle and the lifestyle of people he likes to play golf with..."
"... And to that point, you could say I am the next in line to rewrite history to suite my needs and the needs of people that enable my lifestyle and the lifestyle of people I like to play golf with. The question is, do you want to play 18 holes using a golf cart or would you rather walk around with a real live caddy. That's what this comes down to America! These are the decisions before us today!! Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go hang up a "Whites Only" sign on Barack's bathroom door. It's part of a little running joke we've had going since last January that has nothing to do with any suppressed or lingering issues of inferiority on my part. It's just a joke people. Relax... He's also half white."
Anyway, he didn't get around to saying all that because we both have iPhones:
And speaking of the things you'll never learn in college and the hard line on Iran's nuclear capabilities:
Anyway, before I get carried away ... all I wanted to say was that it seems to me that google's big news page really should've given top billing to some news that actually matters to people like you and me. Like the growing problem of obesity in the world of film:
In international news, following the debut of Mother Feather last night at Rockwood Music Hall, Nate Campany and 317 other NYC based singer songwriters who bring an average of 53 people to their gigs have decided to quit music all together, thus forcing the closure of every music venue in the neighborhood and answering the lingering question of just how long the gentrification of the Lower East Side would last.
And finally, for today's installment of "Crappy Bands You Definitely Shouldn't Tell Your Friends To Go See While They're On Tour Completely Blowing The Overrated Headline Act Off The Stage Night After Night After Unforgiving Night" ...
I invite you to visit thedigmusic.com and get redirected to myspace.com/thedigisup where you can find out when they'll be in your town making you realize that your pathetic little rock-n-roll fantasy is never gonna come true unless you have really good aim with one of these:
Mwah!
M
P.S. If you actually remember the movie Protocol, you're sure to appreciate the forthcoming link.
P.P.S. Assuming that is, that you have both an X and a Y chromosome ...
P.P.P.S. And you enjoy spending Valentines Day with someone with two X chromosomes ...
P.P.P.P.S. Or assuming that you have two X chromosomes ...
P.P.P.P.P.S. And you too enjoy spending Valentines Day with someone with two X chromosomes ...
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. (Not that there's anything wrong with that) ...
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. But, assuming that you have two X chromosomes and you wish you were spending Valentine's Day with someone with both an X and a Y chromosome instead of sitting home alone with a pint of Haagen Dazs rereading old emails from some dead beat you actually thought would change if you just gave him some space ...
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. You're probably gonna think the forthcoming link makes me a jerk too.
