Masculinism 101: Soul Power, It Goes To My Head

Hi,

You'll be impressed to know that I've managed to show some fiscal restraint this morning and have thus eaten my breakfast at home. Actually, I still have a banana left, so I guess I haven't actually eaten my breakfast because I am in fact in the process of eating my breakfast. While eating my breakfast and typing this sentence, I am also listening to The Complete Stax-Volt Singles: 1959-1968. I bring that up just to point out how good I am at multi-tasking. It's kind of like how when on a night that may or may not have been last night some other band's manager says things like: "That was an amazing show. My jaw was on the floor..." I can think to myself: "Who is this guy again? He must lying. That show must've sucked sucked and he's just rubbing it in...." While at the same exact time respond with cordial and expected platitudes such as: "Thanks man, we had a lot of fun ... I'm really looking forward to standing outside smoking cigarettes while whatever the band you manage is called is on stage not getting famous."

Zzzzzzzzz...

Excuse me. I've been drooling again so I need to go into the other room for a second and get a tissue. It'll probably end up being more like 4 minutes because I decided not to smoke in my apartment anymore so I'll probably go out on my fire escape and do that.

Okay, I'm back. And in case you're one of those people that lays around in bed all day, here's a digital representation of what you're missing:

And in case you're one of those people that doesn't take pride in your appearance, here is a digital representation of fashionable socks (available at leading retailers such as H and M and possibly through an online retailer via the wormhole amazon.com which can be accessed via the convenient link on the bottom right margin of this page which incidentally will make me money if you click on it and buy something but don't tell anyone that I told you to do that since really I didn't because really I was just pointing out the obvious and since it's apparently against some kind of an agreement I have with amazon to directly encourage you to click on their advertisements when they are on my page and when said clicking would make both amazon and me money which seems to me to be the entire point of our relationship. Maybe that's why I'm still unmarried.):

In todays episode of "next blog" I present: http://www.nyctaxiphoto.com/

So far today, I have spent about 34 minutes reading the musing of a NYC taxi driver. You might not be interesting in that at all. Perhaps you'd rather be informed on the topic of mustaches of the nineteenth century? In which case you should go visit: http://mustachesofthenineteenthcentury.blogspot.com/

In today's installment of "Wow, you must really be bored with your job" ...

Right now I'm gonna take my vitamin D vitamins and then I'll probably go take a crap after I eat this banana. After that I'll probably learn this new song that Vanessa Bley sent me for this gig we're gonna do over at this venue next week.

Oh, and I know you've been waiting to hear a bunch of witty insight and commentary on the gulf oil spill and how Tony Hayward is secretly kind of giddy that there's a big fat natural born hurricane about to roll in and take a bunch of responsibility off of his shoulders, I am afraid I'll be a disappointment as I've been experiencing writer's block on account of wondering about: "Damn, the protesters in Greece are way better looking than the ones here in America..."

Oh, and the song I'm listening to right now from the Stax collection ends with the refrain:

"I know I shoulda married you, I made a boo boo."

Finally, Katy Perry called me this morning and wanted to know why I wasn't covering her latest foray into something we'll call "How To Be A Role Model For Young Woman So That They Are Not Looked At Solely As Sex Objects" ...

Unfortunately, young people don't actually look up to or emulate famous people so no one will be able to benefit from all the good work Katy and her fiance are doing to combat the image issues so prevalent amongst teens.

In unrelated news, international curvy lingerie model from Paraguay, Larissa Riquelme has traded in the limelight and glamour for something we'll call: "How To Be A Role Model For Young Woman So That They Are Not Looked At Solely As Sex Objects" ...

Mwah!

M

Constitutional Law 101: Dude, What Happened To Your Face?

Hi,

Today I have an etiquette question for you. Is it rude to complain about getting a stale bagel if you're getting free internet access for multiple hours a day in the cafe that makes you feel like your in Connecticut even though it's really only about 12 blocks away from my apartment that I am going to buy an air conditioner for just as soon as I finish satisfying your needs for the day?

Speaking of needs and other things that nobody cares about, Brian Shaw is talking to Dan Gilbert about taking Mike Brown's job.

And speaking of things that apparently nobody cares about, today the Huffington Post chalked up the lack of any more than token-pandering-to-the-base objection to the confirmation of the first woman who had to deny that she is gay to the Supreme Court on the part of Republican senators to "owing perhaps in part to public apathy" and at no point positing that maybe, maybe, just maybe she might actually be qualified for the position and that maybe just maybe The Big O. was actually smart enough to make a few decisions that are worthy of timely approval and let's just get on with it.

And speaking of things that the Big O. is screwing up, Casey Shea and his "band" will be opening for Lowry and Dinosaur Feathers tonight at Brooklyn "Come For The Rock, Stay For The Spare" Bowl. I would invite you to come to this free show that starts at 9pm but whatever... It's high time you started thinking of your own stuff to do instead of following me around all the time trying to steal my ...

Killer Bass Licks:

And speaking of killing, I know you've been waiting on the edge of your seat in between episodes of "16 And Pregnant" (a show on MTV which incidentally may or may not feature music from a certain band that never made to the cover of Rolling Stone... Yet. I mean, you never know right? Okay, you're right. Whatever. Shut up.) to hear the results of the possibly soon to be considered landmark 2nd Amendment ruling on the supreme court case of McDonald vs. Chicago, a 5-4 nail biter of a decision that officially makes it legal to carry a loaded semi-automatic weapon in any participating McDonald's in the greater Chicago area. This finally lays to rest any ill-conceived ideas of activist jurisprudence you may have had about Clarence Thomas. Thankfully, once again, the level heads of constructionism have won out and helped guarantee that we won't ever have to consider the effects of the veritable garden of eden we've created for people that like to prey off of people with not only an insatiable appetite for drugs that probably shouldn't even be illegal but additionally and conveniently, an aversion to logic, the inability to see the forest for the trees, and a deep seated need to engage a fantastical paranoia that only the right to bear arms can combat. Said Antonin Scalia in and interview with Perez Hilton after the ruling, "In the words of my main man T. Marshall: "You do what you think is right and let the law catch up!""

Mwah!

M

P.S. dfskdjhgsjfkdngdsfkgjsfd

P.P.S. dhgshfgushfgsghsoiughs;dlfkghs;dgh;sdfg

P.P.P.S. I know right!?!?!?!?

P.P.P.P.S. Awesome.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I'm still sorting through all the resumes sent in for The Old Fashioned Ladies Club.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I'm not even hiring.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. My guess is that something will rise to the top.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I'll tell you more tomorrow.

Economics 101: Today's Resume Workshop Is Being Held In Room F On The 12.5th Floor and The Case Against Casting Aspersions

Hi,

If you're like me, or wondering what it would feel like to feel like you're like me, you know there's nothing that says "let's get this day started!" like a little Shakira on the radio over here at the cafe that makes me feel like I'm in the pastoral Rockwell-esque Connecticut of my youth but is actually only about 12 blocks from my apartment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u33TRCE2kig

Now the radio is playing some song from a girl that needs about as much press from me as a certain other purveyor of Feminininismism 2.0. Having said that, after such a decidedly un ooh-lah-lah summer line from American Apparel I would like to thank her for saving women's fashion this season.

Oh, and I really do love the way she says "rah-rah-rah".

Oh, and we should also all start kissing her butt for single handedly being interesting enough to save the publishing industry while not eating baby food or being a hermaphrodite.

Anyway, right now my phone is updating to something called OS4. Maybe soon I'll be able to have a complete conversation with my Aunt Vincie but I doubt it. For reasons that have nothing to do with Steve Jobs' limitations in the arena of telecommunication contract negotiation, my mom and I have switched to writing letters in lieu of any potentially uncomfortable verbal communication.

In semi-unrelated news, there's a real bore of a singer who has been raving on and on about the OS4 stuff. You can hear him talk about it between songs tomorrow night at Brooklyn Bowl. I think he goes on at like 2:43 in the morning or something so if you're anything like me you'll wanna make sure you don't smoke a bunch of weed at like 8:30 cuz lord knows you'll be passed out by 9 and then of course you'll miss the whole show. Then again, maybe you wanna miss the show? In that case you should definitely show up at Brooklyn Bowl at 2:43am. You can tell me what you saw on Wednesday. And by the way, according to Mr. Snorefest McShea: "The next two Tuesdays are big ones and will be the last band shows for a little while. Two big shows at two great venues with two great lineups...and both shows are FREE!"

Excuse me? The last band shows for a little while? Who in the hell is making the decisions in this band all of a sudden? Who's gonna be the opening act for Chris Cubetta and The Liars Club?

And speaking of clubs, in further proof of the apparently unending economic peril being experienced in the greatest country in the history of the greatest country to almost make soccer interesting, The Old Fashioned Ladies Club has been receiving a steady stream of resumes from people looking for a job. I'll start posting cover letters and curriculum vitae from some of the stand out applicants here tomorrow so you can help me decide who I should exploit for my own professional gain and personal entertainment.

In related news, according to the emails below, I keep winning a bunch of money. See yah later suckkkkkas!

Email #1:

From: joanaso@unb.br

Subject: Congratulations...(You won £ 500,000.00GBP)

Date: June 12, 2010 3:17:04 AM EDT

To: undisclosed-recipients:;

Reply-To: grahamsbenfield01@msn.com

"You won £ 500,000.00GBP. Contact Mr. Graham Benfield, Email graham.benfield234@googlemail.com"

Email #2:

From: kenny-huynh@sbcglobal.net

Subject: Your Email Id Has Been Awarded 1,000,000.00 GBP In Our British Tobacco Promo, Send Details To Claim Your Prize‏‏‏

Date: June 21, 2010 12:33:16 PM EDT

To: undisclosed recipients: ;

"Names... Country... Occupation... Age... " Mwah M P.S. For some reason, I'm never the focal point of photos at these shows... P.P.S. ...

P.P.P.S. As you regulars readers know, I have successfully flown on 11 straight flights while carrying either at least one cigarette lighter, an expired driver's license, a Leathermen brand multi use tool complete with at least 2 pretty damn sharp knives and/or all of the above...

P.P.P.P.S. Well, today I learned that apparently I'm not the only one flaunting the system...

P.P.P.P.P.S. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/27/alyssa-thomas-6yearoid-tu_n_626958.html

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I have to say, I think this is pretty freaking funny...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/26/united-pilot-detained-for_n_626764.html

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Speaking of revisionist history: R.I.P.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Wha????

Cosmetics 101: Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

Hi,
You're probably wondering when I'm gonna give you the scoop on The Old Fashioned Ladies Club but you're just going to have to wait and not because I'm completely having a complete freaking freak out because in fact the preparations are actually going surprisingly, worrisomely, smooth... at least for the first show. In case you were wondering, this is what a complete freaking freak out would look like if I was having one:

Anyway, I'm totally having a complete freaking freak out about the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th shows. But rest assured that said freak out has not only not caused me to lose any sleep, I got about 11 sweltering (why do I keep forgetting to buy an air conditioner?) hours just the night before last, nor does it keep me from being excited about the special guests I can't tell you about for opening night. Anyway, speaking of the night before last and all the sleep that Gen. McChrystal was losing over some comments made by one of his advisors about the coulda shoulda woulda been the first lady POTUS that were apparently not in keeping with the Obama administration's official line...

To directly quote a photo caption from the Huffington Post... The Secretary of State is the only member of Obama's staff to get good reviews from McChrystal's people: "Hillary had Stan's back during the strategic review," says an adviser. "She said 'If Stan wants it, give him what he needs."

(ED Note: Stand by for the longest sentence in the history of the greatest World Cup performance in World Cup history!)

Actually, I think he was actually losing sleep over the fact that the above direct quote of a Huffington Post photo caption was actually a quote that they pulled from some kind of an article/interview thing in something called "Rolling Stone" which is apparently something called a magazine which is apparently something made of paper with a bunch of fancy type-setting and photos and a whole bunch of advertisements for the latest products for women that actually won't help said woman get the man of her dreams but will definitely help to ensure that she only makes 76 cents on the dollar compared to the man she's never gonna marry and along the way fill the greedy little pockets of her shrink while she and her girlfriends go to Bloomingdales and try to figure out why and which apparently people that are over the age of 87 know about because they used to get these magazine things delivered by something called a mail man in something called a mail box and actually the real point of this sentence was just to say that the above direct quote of a Huffington Post photo caption was actually a quote that they pulled from some kind of an article/interview thing in something called "Rolling Stone" which is apparently something called a magazine which is apparently something made of paper with a bunch of fancy type-setting and photos and a whole bunch of advertisements for the latest products for women that actually won't help said woman get the man of her dreams but will definitely help to ensure that she only makes 70 cents on the dollar compared to the man she's never gonna marry and along the way fill the greedy little pockets of her shrink while she and her girlfriends go to Bloomingdales and try to figure out why and which apparently people that are over the age of 87 know about because they used to get these magazine things delivered by something called a mail man in something called a mail box and in the interview/article thing there were a bunch of other quotes (some of which were pretty freakin' funny if you ask me, but you're not so whatever... or maybe you are asking me, in which case I think some were pretty funny) that apparently were a kind of violation of military protocol.

Here's one or two of the other quotes:

"Are you asking about Vice President Biden?" McChrystal says with a laugh. "Who's that?"

"Biden?" suggests a top adviser. "Did you say: Bite Me?"

Anyway, you'll be happy to know that I'll be life coaching the former General through the ups and downs of his new adventure into the world of Unemployment. Lesson #1: Go to the beach as often as possible because:

A. There are lots of pretty much totally undressed pretty girls at the beach. Assuming he likes pretty girls that is. Lord knows he wouldn't have offered much on the subject if he didn't.

B. Vitamin D is really important and you can't really get it anywhere else.

C. If you go to the beach in Coney Island, you can also ride the Wonder Wheel.

D. If you go to the beach in Coney Island and if it's a friday night, you can watch fireworks while riding the Wonder Wheel.

E. If you go this weekend, please take a picture for me because I can't go on account of I have to rehearse with some guy named Casey Shea for one of his dumb shows next week.

F. That shows gonna be a Brooklyn Bowl.

G. That place is freaking huge so I can only imagine that he's having a complete freaking freak out about how many people are gonna come so I guess maybe since I'm about the only friend he has, I should invite you to come.

H. But I won't.

Anyway, in today's installment of "Who Wants To Come See Me Stand On My Head While Drinking A Strawberry Milkshake?" ... I cordially invite you to attend:

Mother Feather

Thursday, June 24th

Mercury Lounge

8:00pm

Mwah!

M

P.S. I think this is funny...

Fair Trade 101: The New Poor, Peddling Relief, Firms Put Debtors in Deeper Hole

Hi,

Today is Saturday. I coulda gone sailing on a boat but I woke up too late and now it's not gonna be worth the trip on account of I gotta be back here tomorrow to re-sing all of the vocals on Casey Shea's new album which is different than the other new album he just put out last week that is available in "standard", "deluxe" and "Oh My God, What Have I Done With My Life and Why Am I Wasting My Time Writing To You When It's Such A Nice Day Outside?" editions, because he is so productive and creative and booooooring.

Anyway, right now it's about 12:45pm and I just had a pretty tasty ham and cheese croissant. Here is a digital representation of the remnants and also breaks down the proverbial fourth wall:

Speaking of better things to do on such a nice day, a lady just walked in on me taking a crap/squeezing in a quick round of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. Fortunately she wasn't that good looking.

And speaking of being better, I offer you today's installment of "I've Got A Wheaties Box and The Best Post Game Interview Ever" ...

And speaking of Comment Moderation and a fun game called "I Dare You To Click On Any Of These Links", I've been getting a pretty awesome string of comments from someone called Anonymous about, or not actually about, an entry I wrote called "Milestones". I've conveniently copied the comments for you below...

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In tomorrow's news, Next Blog will contain the following link to self proclaimed stay at home mom Gretchen Hollingsworth and her great family which is full of kids that really are very smart for their ages. http://thehollingsworths.blogspot.com/

Mwah!

M

P.S. Five days and counting ...

P.P.S. Sixty days and counting ...