New Media 101: Former President Jimmy Carter Transported to Cleveland Area Hospital

Hi,

Don't freak out but there's a woman on WNYC talking about how cell phones have never been tested for radiation and how she discovered that the World Health Organization is in on a big fat cover-up that cell phones cause ionized radiation that will eat your abdomen from the inside out and the only people that are listening to her are, shocker!!!!, The French who will heretofore be making it illegal to sell a cell phone without an earpiece because studies show that cell phones are worse for you than the bombing of Hiroshima was for the people that lived in Hiroshima when it got bombed. Anyway, don't freak out. She's saying you can still use your cell phone for emergency situations. And since you don't have a land line, at least now you have an excuse for not calling your hot mom. And whatever you do, don't call me to ask if I think she was joking about the part when she veered off topic and said that holding your laptop on your lap while typing will cause your gonads to melt because I'm still wondering why they call it a laptop if using it on my lap is gonna make me sterile since that is exactly what I'm doing right now.

In related news, I am about to use the dictionary to look up a word Mr. POTUS used in an interview with something called "Rolling Stone Magazine". What's a "Rolling Stone Magazine"? Hmmmm. For help, let's find somebody over 30 years old... Oh crap, that's me. Do you think I look over 35 years old? Wait, never mind. Having only just managed to crawl my compassionate little boy self out of the doldrums of paralyzing existential crisis, maybe you shouldn't answer that. Anyway, since I am the only person in my apartment over 30 years old, but still look around 29, I guess you're looking to me to tell you about "Rolling Stone Magazine". Since I'm not one to talk so much about what I think about things, I'm gonna direct you to a dissertation on the subject which can be accessed by clicking on this giant hyperlink of a sentence.

Anyway, I just bring up "The Rolling Stone Magazine That Only 15 Dudes In Cleveland Still Subscribe To" because, as I said, the most recent upcoming issue features The Big O. practically begging "The Progressive Left" to come out to the polls in November with the following impassioned plea: "But if people now want to take their ball and go home, that tells me folks weren't serious in the first place". Someone should tell him to try using some reverse psychology.

Anyway, if you'll just hold on for a second, I'll give you the link to the article in case you're interested in reading the president say ugly things in an artful way such as: "And then there are probably some aspects of the Tea Party that are a little darker, that have to do with anti-immigrant sentiment or are troubled by what I represent as the president."

Anyway, the article I read is here:

http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/09/top-moments-in-obamas-rolling-stone-interview.php?ref=fpb

And now I know what recalcitrance means. Thanks Josh Marshall.

Mwah!

M

American History 101: Let's Look 4 The Purple Banana 'Til They Put Us In The Truck

Hi,

Whew! Today was a late start.

In case you're not one of the 44,038 people who've already watched what can only be described as either yet another example of why we can all be thankful that youtube allows us the opportunity to keep up with the important programming offered on CSpan2 without having to actually pay for it or an embarrassment, I encourage you and yours to view the following testimony outlining the many and varied jobs available to tough and hard working Americans.


In what may or may not be unrelated news, upon his instigating coitus last night, Steny Hoyer's wife has invited him to "go play with yourself" for the next 30 days.

And in another piece of related news relating to the last vestiges of patriarchy, one vehement Mrs. Henderson was overheard to exclaim: "Todd! Pitchforks?!?! When did you become such an asshole? Jesus Todd. You think you're being lynched? No, people are commenting on your bllah-blah-blah-boooooooooo-hoooooo-blog because you said a bunch of stupid s#!t and came off sounding like a spoiled brat. Pitchforks?!?! Ugh. What? No. No we can absolutely not have sex. What? No. Maybe not ever. Call Steny Hoyer and have a circle jerk."

And now, for today's installment of "I Too Need A History Lesson", it appears that one Alan Haynesworth would have been a good candidate for some of that loot Mr. Zuckerberg is doling out in an effort to make people think he's not an asshole. (Ed. Note: Those of you who are either paying attention or really just don't have a life totally just had a 'Yeah well Mr. "I Write For Forbes Because I Am A Big Smarty Pants" maybe you're not really so smart after all since everybody know that The Wall Street Journal is decidedly not the same thing as The New York Times you said you were linking to'.)

Anyway, let's get back to football. The grid iron. The pig skin. This morning(ish), whilst eating my suspiciously runny over-medium eggs and sausage and whatever other artery clogging foodstuffs I had ordered, I read a story that can best be summed up by pretty much quoting almost the whole article using a little known plagiarizing technique known as "copy and paste":

Haynesworth, who rarely speaks to the media, was upset this year when the Redskins switched to a 3-4 defense and told him he would be playing nose tackle.

Haynesworth protested by staying away from the team's offseason conditioning program and practices. He also skipped a mandatory minicamp and was unable to pass the team's conditioning test until the 10th day of training camp – all despite receiving a $21 million bonus on April 1.

"I guess in this world we don't have a lot of people with, like, backbones," Haynesworth said. "Just because somebody pay you money don't mean they'll make you do whatever they want or whatever. I mean, does that mean everything is for sale?

"I mean, I'm not for sale. Yeah, I signed the contract and got paid a lot of money, but ... that don't mean I'm for sale or a slave or whatever."

Haynesworth said it was agreed that he would play defensive tackle in a 4-3 system when he signed with the Redskins in 2009, but the team has since overhauled its front office, coaching staff and offensive and defensive schemes. He said he now likes the new scheme better as he works with defensive coordinator Jim Haslett.

Haynesworth made a passing reference to his disputes with coach Mike Shanahan, saying some things "went down with me and Mike," but he did not elaborate. He also said he doesn't like the spotlight and would rather be someone who can just "go to Wal-Mart and hang out."

In case you fell asleep or lost your place whilst dabbing the yoke stain off of the fly of your TopMan jeans and are now spending your limited brain capacity wondering if the cute girl sitting next to you on the 7 train is gonna think you have bladder control issues, Mr. Hayensworth gets paid millions of dollars to play football but is an out of shape fat-ass crybaby who has a limited grasp of American History and pines for the day he too can "Save Money. Live Better."

In unrelated news, an unsubstantiated patriarchy debilitating quote attributed to Mrs. Haynesworth went someting like this: "Alan! Slave?!?! When did you become such an asshole? Jesus Alan. You think you're a slave? No, people are writing about you because you said a bunch of stupid s#!t and came off sounding like a spoiled brat. Slavery?!?! Ugh. What? No. No we can absolutely not have sex. What? No. Maybe not ever. Watch this video of your new favorite band and then go call Steny Hoyer and Todd Henderson."


And speaking of people who's school district apparently suffered from a lack of funding, the other day there was a woman talking to a bunch of Gay GOPers about being Gay and being in The GOP and about how she was gonna bring them out of the closet regarding their not wanting to have the right to get married. Wait. What the hlkjfgfdgsjdhfglshufdkgzhusd;fjkhsd;kf? Let's just stop here for a second.

Okay. Sorry, I just had to make sure I read what I wrote correctly. And then I had to make sure that I had accurately paraphrased someone else's reporting correctly. Turns out I did. But just so I'm double sure, I'm gonna copy and paste it again...

The other day there was a woman talking to a bunch of Gay GOPers about being Gay and being in The GOP and about how she was gonna bring them out of the closet regarding their not wanting to have the right to get married. Oh, and she also made the argument that the following Amendment to the US Constitution only applies to black people:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

And speaking of revisionist history and a touching memorial to Ed Sullivan, here's some news you actually care about ...

The show featured on the website in the forthcoming link is gonna happen again. Soon. Somewhere else.

http://theoldfashionedladiesclub.com/

Mwah!

M

P.S. Twenty Four years ago today, the guy that's playing the guitar solo on the second bass I ever owned in this video died:

P.P.S. Twenty Six years ago today, this song, from the first album I ever bought with my own money given to me by my parents, simultaneously reached No. 1 on the Billboard Top 100...

P.P.P.S. And inspired my desire to wear women's clothing on stage...

Freedom 101: Living Well Is The Best Revenge

Hi,

Yeah, I know you're just dying to hear all about how I feel about the so-called "Franzen Syndrome" wherein men who write about the experiences of both sexes of people feel like they are totally deserving of all the extra attention they are getting and that the last thing in the world they need is to be told so by The Other, Original, Big O. Oh, and don't get me started quoting articles about women authors not being taken seriously that feature women authors who have sold over 11 MILLION books. Well, I'm not. I'm just not gonna go there because just like when I was in high school, I still think I'm too cool to talk about what everyone else is talking about. Let alone read the book. Jeez. Could you imagine? Me, on the train reading the same thing as you? Yeah friggin' right! Fortunately for me, I use the new Kindle for iPhone app and no one on the subway knows what I'm reading. So you'll never know if I just spent $12.99 to have "Freedom" delivered wirelessly to wireless device. Then, the next time we're at a dinner party talking about how great it is to get away and be a part of nature once in a while and, man we should really plant a garden and have you read that book about blaadchd;kf;sdgljfshgvushrsfgjhdoizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ... I can respond with some or another piece of insight that makes me look really cool even though "I didn't read the book".

Anyway, in case you were wondering, you too can enjoy the benefits of incognito cultural intake by visiting amazon.com. You can get there via the convenient link, to something called a website, located in the bottom right margin of this page. Tell 'em I sent you. My name is Matt. You are here. But believe me, you'd be better off going here. Go ahead, spend more than you wanted to. Please.

In related news, I now offer you something I like to call a: Segue. This is where I tie in one or two things that I said in the first paragraph and offer other examples of things that I thought about today that use the same words to describe them but are totally different in context.

Let's start with: "I Hated High School". I mean, hated. I mean, except for the time that one girl came over after school when she knew my parents weren't home and fshgshkgljfksjgriojsgk;fskhdsajfhdsajfhlkdushfljskdhglkjhglksjdfhgsjfhl!!!!!!!!! That was a pretty awesome day. Otherwise, high school was so full of me recognizing everyone else's flaws on account of them being so incredibly insecure about themselves and constantly having to draw other people's attention away from Algebra class by having weird haircuts and wearing womens sandals supposedly imported from India because they were so into Jazz Muzak for about 9 months. And the day their dad's all picked them up for school DRIVING THE SCHOOL BUS! Man, I can't imagine how embarrassing that must have been for them. Being the new kids and all. No wonder they spent freshman year letting people call them Ted even though their name was Matt. Anyway, if you're still in high school, you'll be happy to know that it gets better. Unless of course you simultaneously decide to join the joined the military and believe in adages like "honesty is the best policy". Apparently some things really are just too difficult to talk about. Even if the job that pays you close to $200k per year is paying you to talk about things. Having said that, sometimes people in Florida do things that make sense.

In related news, apparently it really is important to always tell the truth. Or is it?

And speaking of the truth and how everybody really wants to hear the straight dope from their leaders, maybe you heard this question as posed the other day to Mr. Barry POTUS that I took a sideways picture of?:

Anyway, in case you can't read sideways, this woman is apparently pretty damn peeved that things haven't been changing for her too much over the last 18 months or so. My life, on the other hand, has changed dramatically in the last 18 months. But really, who cares about me? Aside from you of course. Anyway, this constituent wants some real answers. And who can blame her? Then again, based on the the reaction of constituent's reaction to the last guy who redecorated The Oval Office and thought it would be a good idea to actually be honest (Editor's Note: Since you're "too busy" to watch the whole thing, we invite you to skip to 4:10 into the forthcoming embedded video), you can imagine why The Big O. might want to take the road that leads to his own job security:

Oh crap. My phone is ringing. Damn. After I return the phone call I just missed, I have to go to rehearsal with Zzzzzzzzz...

Mwah!

M

Social Studies 101: Textbooks Of 'Pro-Islamic, Anti-Christian Distortions'

Hi,

Today I learned a few things. One thing I learned is a word. Undergird. It's kind of an ugly sounding word don't you think? I can only assume that's why not so many people use it anymore. Anyway, I heard it today for the first time. Actually, that's a lie. The truth is that I read it today for the first time. It's still true that I have never heard it. Maybe when I start talking to myself I'll get to hear what it sounds like in a sentence about laying the basis for something. Let's hope I don't use it in a sentence where I am talking about school textbooks and all of the "sanitized definitions of 'jihad' that exclude religious intolerance or military aggression against non-Muslims ... which undergirds worldwide Muslim terrorism" and other information that is of course corrupting our children and turning them all into soccer loving terrorists if we don't change all the textbooks that nobody even uses anymore. Why? What? Why? Whhhaaaaaaaa!

Earlier today I continued to learn that choosing "out of sight, out of mind" as your MO is a bad way of dealing with the world. I would tell you what I mean but it's none of you business. As a consolation prize, this sentence is a link to a less micro example of my woes and, since I'm drawing this parallel, a pretty good example of an inflated ego.

Alas, I forget what the other thing was that I learned today because of the cavalcade of reminders about how cute Christine O'Donnell used to be with all of that 90's hair. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take a break and go ...

Ummmm, Hi. Okay, I'm back. And since my head is so clear now, I just remembered what else I learned today which I will now share with you in the form of a greeting: "Hello to all of the new readers from such far away foreign places as Japan and Australia! We are, errrr, I am so glad to know that Americans aren't the only ones with so much time on their hands."

And you may also be interested to know that I found it interesting that earlier today someone got hear by way of googling the phrase: "Hot Serbian Guy".

And someone else got here by googling: "Theodore Shaya".

Me neither.

No.

None.

I have no idea who that is.

Yeah?

Why should I?

Mwah!

M

Fame 101: The State Or Quality Of Being Widely Honored And Acclaimed

Hi,

Today is the day that a band I play in was featured in the NY Times. Yeah, I know, these kinds of things don't really matter in this day and age. But when you're from my day and age, when people say things like... "Hey check out the 14 words that were written about this thing I was a part of in the NY Times!" ... you get kind of excited for a second because, even though you say things like... "whatever man, that s#!t doesn't matter anymore" ... you think maybe the fairy dust of fame is gonna get sprinkled on you. Even if it was just in the blog section. Do people actually read blogs? I mean, except for you of course. And you're all right and all, but really, are you "people"? I mean, when people say things like: "People are reading such and such ..." Are they talking about you? Anyway, thanks for reading. I appreciate your support. Now go click on some ads so I can make some money okay? When you're done paying my rent for me, you can read about Ms. Bley:

http://tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/09/16/notes-from-the-underground-vanessa-bley/

And since you've become so interested in me because I play in bands that are written about in the NY Times, you're probably wondering what I'm doing tomorrow huh? Okay fine. I'll tell you. See the secret link below ...

http://tinyurl.com/ya4ngwv

Mwah!

M

Ensoulment 101: Today I Relived Mother's Day And Still Don't Feel Any Better About It

Hi,

Let me get straight to the point okay? Just what in the heck were you thinking? I mean, why is the Philadelphia level on THPS2 for iPhone so hard? Right. Yeah, don't get me started.

And speaking of white people who have been described as black, on Monday the 2nd to last POTUS was hanging out in or around Love Park where he defended himself against the same observations, for which no cable network ever paid me a few hundred thousand dollars a year, that I've been making for years.

In unrelated news, when I was a little boy I had what you might call: "A Big Mouth". In retrospect, one can point to some pent up emotional aggression that manifested itself unintentionally violent outbursts of confused sadness. Or something. Anyway until I, depending on your perspective, either grew up, started listening to my mom or learned to use things like drugs and alcohol to suppress a consistently nagging notion that I didn't like Holden Caulfield because he reminded me of myself I just kind of assumed that everyone's mom said things to the affect of: "You Better Learn To Think Before You Speak" and "That Mouth Of Yours Is Gonna Get You Into A Lot Of Trouble". Apparently, I was wrong. Apparently, not everyone had a mom that warned them against not using the general principles of logic when expressing what may or may not be a valid frustration. Or maybe everyone did, but not everyone listened. Anyway, here is today's installment of: "Kids Grow Up To Say The Darndest Things As Embedded Within This Title Of Today's Installment Of Kids Grow Up To Say The Darndest Things In The Form Of A HyperLink".

In other news, today's episode of "Next Blog" pretty much speaks for itself.

Oh, and speaking of the walls that birth yourself tomorrow...

Some guy has been taking a big crap all over twitter because the digital representation of a bunch of ideas he had is now available on something I spent three days picking out a new icon for.

Oh, wait. I need a tissue.

Okay, I'm back. While I was in the bathroom getting a tissue, I also took a crap. Actually, I left a crap. You know what I mean. Unless you are foreign. In which case you may not say the opposite of what you mean about what you're doing when you're going to the bathroom.

Speaking of saying exactly what you mean to say all the time and not just because you are thankful for the opportunity to say things on TV that aren't true, I wonder if this guy...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/15/michael-steele-defends-gingrich-kenyan_n_718774.html

... is bummed out about this?:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/15/craigslist-adult-services-shutdown-congress_n_718803.html

Oh, and BTW, as if you need more reminders about Slick Willie's reign of terror, you should watch the following video past the two minute mark. If you don't care about reliving another decade where I didn't get famous and are simply interested in some insight into the thought process of the woman who just may take over Joe Biden's old job in Delware, you'll get all that in the first two minutes. She's the good looking one who is not black.

Finally, I got a new tea kettle yesterday. It's orange. It looks great on the stove. It's also broken. Yes. Already. Son of a bitch.

M

P.S. Two years ago today, the guy who wrote this song with Roger Waters died:

P.P.S. Four years before that, the really tall guy in this band died:

Communication 101: If You're Walking Down The Street And Drinking A Coffee, You're Not Doing Either

Hi,

Right now I am trying to do about four things at the same time. This is sometimes referred to as multi-tasking. But that isn't accurate since I am trying to do whatever things I am trying to do at the same time but really the only thing I can do simultaneously is type this sentence and half-assedly watch the Men's US Open Finals Match in the adjacent internet window open on my screen. Just now I had to stop typing this paragraph so that I could type something called a "chat" in another program called iChat. When I did that I didn't hear anything that was going on in the tennis match because I was too busy trying to make a joke about tonight's Monday Night Football game and the Jets being from Florida, which of course they are not. Anyway, I guess my point is that I don't think that multi-tasking is a very productive way to spend your time except that it makes me feel less unproductive about watching tennis in the afternoon on a Monday even though I really don't have anywhere else that I'm supposed to be.

BTW, this guy with the extra consonants in his name is totally kicking butt here in the second set. Mr. Nadal looks pretty freaking pissed right now. He just lost another point.

Okay, back to imagining what you're wearing while you read this and if you're gonna wonder about the embedded digital representation of the existential crisis surrounding how much energy was expended to produce a commercial about energy saving cars:

Speaking of energy. At my apartment, we use a lot of florescent light bulbs. One can assume this explains why we can leave about 13 lights on 24 hours a day and still have a $25 per month electric bill. The light to our back yard has been on for about three weeks straight because no one knows where the light switch is. And now it's way too hot to try and unscrew. Thank god there's Nissan.

Okay, hold on... I gotta watch the rest of this set. The Serbian is howling like a madman while he may or may not be mounting an upset over the guy who we can assume would rather be eating tapas right now... Wow. Maybe not. That was a great point. Holy crap! That was awesome. What a serve. Ace!!!! 138 Miles Per Hour?????? But what do you care? By the time you read this, it's not gonna matter. Wait! What? A rain delay? In tennis? What kinda sport is this? What, do Europeans melt in the rain? Booooooooooooring...

In related news, having had so much success the last time she pilfered some design sense from a broken up rock band, Stefani Gaga has managed to fool people into thinking she is the first pop star to enjoy being bathed in meat. Yeah, meat. Like what you used to eat for dinner before you went to college and all your pinko-commie professors started seducing you with THC and stories of the benefits of a vegan diet combined with a monthly colonic.

Exhibit 1964:

Exhibit Germanotta:

And speaking of "All The Time I Spent Today Wondering If I Should Get A Haircut" ... I would totally tell you that this guy has a pretty cool way of keeping one at once entertained and informed a lot more often if he would just lose the goatee. What, does he live in LA or something?

In related news, you should totally watch the end of the long form ANB Picture Card commercial located at the end of an article about a thieving skateboarder, who for the record looks a lot older than 23, that this part of this sentence links to.

Finally, below you will find proof that you can say things that are not on their own funny and still make people laugh, complements of Fred Willard:

Welcome Freshmen from Fred Willard

Mwah!

M

P.S. You have plans for Friday night...

P.P.S. Passive Aggression Not Included.

Immigration 101: C. B. F. and The Case For Building A Better Mousetrap

Hi,

Before we get started, I'd like to take a moment to welcome our reader(s) from Sweden with a special message. "Welcome reader(s) from Sweden. I'm not sure if you can actually read American, but I will assume that you can. Why else would you be here right? You probably want to be American huh? Maybe you are reading this because you are hoping I will marry you, or impregnate you with an anchor baby. Sorry. When I was 16 I worked at Burger King and the manager tried to get me to impregnate her and even then I was way too smart for that trick. In fact, I am smart enough that I can say no to your requests for marriage and/or anchor baby impregnation in your language too: Ingen. Pretty cool huh?"

Before I continue, I'm going to go outside for a few minutes because it's such a nice day and I think it's important to enjoy nice days when you have the chance.

Okay. I'm back. Does anyone know if there is a difference between a "full" mattress and a "double" mattress? I can't figure out what I have. Oh. I guess I have a queen. It seems small to be a queen. Maybe I'm still a growing boy? Now I gotta go buy a new mattress pad. Ugh. My life is so hard.

In related news, about half way through listening to this speech...

... I started watching (and listening to) this video.

It occurs to me that Pink Floyd gets it.

Mwah!

M

New Media 101: Today I Unsubscribed From Your Email List

Hi,

Today's big news centers around me and the targeted ads now available to you by visiting my website. The cool part is that when clicked, in keeping with something called "The American Way" which is of course a behavioral modality based on the premise of American exceptionalism, these ads earn me money for not really doing anything productive. You can see these ads in the lower right hand margin of this site. They are different than the convenient link to retail aggregator Amazon which is still there on the lower right hand corner of this page for your convenient shopping pleasure experience. Go ahead. Buy something.

In related news, today's installment of "When I Was Bullied In Grade School My Mom Used To Say: If You Just Ignore Him He Will Stop Bothering You" ... Here is an update on a story you shouldn't even know about: Whatthefrrejalkjferfhs;lkgsldfhgs;oid!!!!!!!!

And apparently I need to read "As I Lay Dying".

And speaking of things you didn't know, you missed a pretty awesome Vanessa Bley show last night. You can learn more about her on something called "google.com/profiles". Google Profiles? When did they invent that? Is my name on there? Okay, settle down. Here is the link to Vanessa's google profile as embedded in a digital representation of a photograph of the soundcheck of the show we played last night a place called Cameo, which is, for my money, a pretty damn cool place to play:

This sucks. This blog was a lot better before I started getting this "bad request" error message from gooooooooooogle and then ended up emptying something called "my cache". I don't even know how to pronounce "cache" nor do I know why deleting it deleted half of what I wrote in the last hodfhajdshf;adhs;uzcdlafsn;nlzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Speaking of feeling sorry for me. You should totally watch this while you're wasting your life working for that ungrateful hack of a boss who will never know how behind you are on that big project because he's been glued to craigslist all week wondering when they're gonna take down that censored bar:

Oh crap, I think I forgot to do something.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Today in 1964 Rod Stewart recorded his first single, proving once again that every male singer in rock wishes he was Elvis.

P.P.S. In November, 2008 some guys recorded a recording of that recording into his computer:

P.P.P.S. On this day in 1974, these guys stopped dressing as women to make a living:

Self Aggrandizement 101: Praise Jeebus, For Now

Hi,

In today's installment of "Late Breaking News", behold the latest headline from every "newspaper" in the greatest country in the history of countries with a bunch of churches you never hear about until people with television cameras start not being smart enough to ignore wackos: "Florida Rev. Who Previously Was Kicked Out Of Germany For Being Wacko Finally Feels Like He's Gotten Enough Attention For The Day, Decides Not To Further Induce Crazy S#!t From Happening All Over The Place".

In unrelated news ... Ummm, excuse me Mr. Trump, I know it's really none of my business what you do with your fortune but, I could think of about fifty things right now that would a better investment than showing off that you have a bunch of money to put what to some people is a pretty important issue, in the words of my dad: "Out of sight, out of mind." Maybe even a hundred things. And besides, "out of sight, out of mind" doesn't work dude. Just ask anybody that ever owed money to the IRS. Anyway, if you're looking for more places to send money, my mailing address is PO BOX 1340, NY, NY 10013. And, thanks.

M

Journalism 101: Bravo's Jackie Warner Once Weighed 169, Felt 'Miserable' & 'Out Of Control'

Hi,

Did you know that there are people writing for something called "The Someday Not To Be Printed On Actual Paper The New York Times" that are actually nibbling at the little toe of logic?

No?

Oh right! You've been too busy staring at digital representations of your niece for the last four months to keep up with the news. I understand. And yes, I do think she is quite possibly the cutest baby, or thing in general, that I have ever seen. It's clear that she loves you too. That's great. No, really ... I think it's great. She really is cute. No. I'm not being sarcastic. Honest. Okay good. Can I get back to my life now?

As I was typing ... This newspaper thing is pretty cool. Although I don't know why they call it a newspaper since it's all right here on my compuuuuuuuuuuuter screen. Even yesterday's edition is there. And the day before. All for free. Oh, the glory of free enterprise.

Anyway ... Will you stop interrupting me? God! That's so freeeeeeaaaaaaking annoying when you do that.

Hmmmmmmppphhhhh. Anyway. Today I read this and maybe you should too. If you are a big smarty pants and you already knew that 5% of people were crazy, I am sorry I wasted your time. For the record I thought I read once that Jung said that 60% of people were crazy and that it was the 40% of us in the middle of various extremes that were actually keeping the proverbial ship on course. I have no idea if thats true though because I lost my copy of whatever Jung book I half read in something called "The Day My Apartment Caught On Fire" and because I am too self absorbed to start "googling" search terms like: "Carl Jung theory stability civilization" just so that I can provide you with some semblance of journalistic accuracy. If you wanted that, you'd probably be reading NBC.com instead.

In related news, I finally hit all four VB Transfers on Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2. Which is, of course, totally freaking awesome for about four seconds. Directly followed by about two hours of wondering just what in the hell you're doing with your life. Which is then followed by about six days of wondering why you can't just enjoy a little bit of mindless fun without being reminded that you may or may not be on the fast track to either paralyzing episodes of self defeatism or a fully realized existence that you never got to enjoy because you were too busy worrying if what you just did would be followed by about six days of wondering why you can't just enjoy a little bit of mindless fun without being reminded that you may or may not be on the fast track to either paralyzing episodes of self defeatism or a fully realized existence that you never got to enjoy because you were too busy worrying if what you just did would be followed by about six days of wondering why you can't just enjoy a little bit of mindless fun without being reminded that you may or may not be on the fast track to either paralyzing episodes of self defeatism or a fully realized existence that you never got to enjoy because you were too busy worrying if what you just did would be followed by about six days of wondering why you can't just enjoy a little bit of mindless fun without being reminded that you may or may not be on the fast track to either paralyzing episodes of self defeatism or a fully realized existence that you never got to enjoy because you were too busy worrying if what you just did would be followed by about six days of wondering why you can't just enjoy a little bit of mindless fun without being reminded that you may or may not be on the fast track to either paralyzing episodes of self defeatism or a fully realized existence that you never got to enjoy because you were too busy worrying if what you just did would be followed by about six days of wondering why you can't just enjoy a little bit of mindless fun without being reminded that you may or may not be on the fast track to either paralyzing episodes of self defeatism or a fully realized existence that you never got to enjoy because you were too busy worrying if what you just did would be followed by about six days of wondering why you can't just enjoy a little bit of mindless fun without being reminded that you may or may not be on the fast track to either paralyzing episodes of self defeatism or a fully realized existence that you never got to enjoy because you were too busy worrying if what you just did would be followed by about six days of wondering why you can't just enjoy a little bit of mindless fun without being reminded that you may or may not be on the fast track to either paralyzing episodes of self defeatism or a fully realized existence that you never got to enjoy because you were too busy worrying if what you just did would be followed by about six days of wondering why you can't just enjoy a little bit of mindless fun without being reminded that you may or may not be on the fast track to either paralyzing episodes of self defeatism or a fully realized existence that you never got to enjoy because you were too busy worrying if what you just did would be followed by about six days of wondering why you can't just enjoy a little bit of mindless fun without being reminded that you may or may not be on the fast track to either paralyzing episodes of self defeatism or a fully realized existence that you never got to enjoy because you were too busy worrying if what you just did woucdfjsahldkjfgshlfgndfhdf;hjd;klgjsg;afuge;fldsugrdsjf;dsha;zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Anyone need anything from the Bodega? I'm gonna go take a walk.

M

P.S. Tonight I am playing Vanessa Bley's bass lines at a place called Cameo.

P.P.S. We go on at 8pm.

P.P.P.S. If you don't know where Cameo is, you should venture outside of the East Village once in a while.

P.P.P.P.S. Jerk.