Journalism 101: Keavin Eubanks' Mom Is Upset That Nobody Cares That Kevin Eubanks Is Leaving Jay Leno.

Hi,

Wow. Today I am back from my bout with food poisoning. It was a lot of fun actually. Especially since I like Shweppes Ginger Ale so much and I am always looking for a good excuse to be lying in bed at 5 in the evening watching movies that the now dead Dennis Hopper had small roles in...

Anyway, I was gonna start by telling you about how I got all speechless over this Rihanna song that was playing here at the coffee shop that makes me feel like I'm in CT even though I'm only 12 blocks from my decidedly non air conditioned apartment in the decidedly Hasidic portion of the Williamsburg neighborhood of the Brooklyn borough of the city of New York of the state of New York of the greatest country in the history of countries that has a whole holiday dedicated to all the men and women who've died in all of the countries great wars but still has a hard time providing some decent medical care to people who didn't unless of course they have hemorrhoids. Or something. Anyway, I got distracted by the dance version of the new country classic where the girl says something about "It's quarter after four, I'm all alone, and I need you now..." or some such example of poetic genius that doesn't hold a candle to this Rihanna song I was busy being blown away by until I got distracted by the above referenced crossover potential achieved just by painting certain things blue.

"Come on rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Tonight
I'mma let you be the captain
Tonight
I'mma let you do your thing, yeah
Tonight
I'mma let you be a rider
Giddy up
Giddy up
Giddy up, babe

Tonight
I'mma let it be fire
Tonight
I'mma let you take me higher
Tonight
Baby we can get it on, yeah
we can get it on, yeah

Do you like it boy
I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom, boom, boom
What I wa-wa-want
Is what you wa-wa-want
Na, na-aaaah

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
You should Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Tonight
I'mma give it to you harder
Tonight
I'mma turn your body out
Relax
Let me do it how I wanna
If you got it
I need it
And I'mma put it down

Buckle up
I'mma give it to you stronger
Hands up
We can go a little longer
Tonight
I'mma get a little crazy
Get a little crazy, baby

Do you like it boy
I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom, boom, boom
What I wa-wa-want
Is what you wa-wa-want
Na, na-aaaah

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me
I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking
No, no

I like when you tell me kiss it there
I like when you tell me move it there

So giddy up
Time to giddy up
You say you're a rude boy
Show me what you got now

Come here right now

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come on rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
yeh yeh yeh ,

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me"

Mwah!

M

P.S. Tonight I'm playing at some place called Rockwood Music Hall with some guy named Nick Africano.

P.P.S. That's gonna happen at 9pm.

P.P.P.S. Some chick named Misty Boyle or something is gonna play after him.

P.P.P.P.S. I guess that'll be at 10 but I don't plan on stickin' around for that crap so it doesn't really matter now does it?

P.P.P.P.P.S. Speaking of crap, the 2nd best opening band in the history of bands to open for Lowry will be opening for some band called The Dig at Mercury Lounge on Sat June 5th.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. You can get tickets by clicking on this sentence.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. As me how "The Old Fashioned Ladies Club" can improve your chances at success in finance, romance and frisbee.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I can't eat fifty eggs.

Activism 101: Beyond Petroleum

Hi,

In case you were wondering where the collective uproar was regarding the greatest oil spill in the history of AAA, you'll be pleased to know that there was a spirited protest here in summery NYC today. Of course, if you really care about all this oil spill environment crap-olla, you should know that before you watch the video of the protesters covered in fake oil, you'll have to sit through a Nissan "Big Tent Event" ad. But then again, if you really care about all this oil spill environment crap-olla, you wouldn't even be using the internet and hence wouldn't be reading this sentence. So, without further adieu, enjoy tonight's video performance of: "Watch my pathcouli showering, nose-ring wearing, how embarrassed my mother must be ass pour chocolate sauce all over myself because I don't have to have a job because my embarrassed mom held down three of them I was a kid so I could go to college in New England and experiment with drugs, lesbianism (and/or yoga) and socialism and hence have now have time in my mid twenties to go to my local BP station and pour chocolate sauce all over my head while the rest of the greatest country in the history of people who don't really seem to care about the effects of oil spills head out to the greatest Nissan "Big Tent Event" in the history of Jimmy Buffet concerts, pour chocolate all over myself..."

http://www.myfoxny.com/dpp/news/local_news/manhattan/gulf-oil-spill-protest-in-new-york-city-20100528

Mwah!

M

P.S. I'm playing bass for Nick Africano on Monday at Rockwood Music Hall.

P.P.S. Feed me to the lions ...

Milestones 101: Count Your Blessings...

http://icasualties.org/

Mwah!

M

P.S. Playing with Mother Feather tonight. 7:30 @ Spike Hill in Brooklyn.

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Apparently, there is a god after all...

John Kerry Channels Jon Stewart In Attempt To Relate To America People...

 

		JOHN KERRY: President Obama Says "Let's Go," Special Interests Conjure Up New Distortions to Say No
	On the biggest issue we can deal with in this Congress, President Obama just weighed in big-time, pounding the bully pulpit to pass comprehensive climate and energy legislation. But, ahh, Washington.

 

Sent from my imBasilePhone

Live Blogging My Late Lunch...

Holy crap! Boylan's Birch Beer!!!! This is gonna be may favorite lunch
ever. Photos to follow...

Mwah!

M

Sent from my imBasilePhone

LIve Blog from (K)Nights On Earth CD Release Show....

This is my favorite (K)nights On Earth song... Oh, you can't hear it cuz you're not here cuz you're a cheapo. Whatever man, they didn't need you at their sold out show anyway.

Internal Combustion 101: On This Day In 1971, "Iron Butterfly" Broke Up

Hi,

Thanks for tuning in for today's recap of yesterday's Bushwick Invitational 2010. Unfortunately it is taking an absolute eternity for the highlight reel to upload to youtube. Come back tomorrow. Or don't. I'm kinda getting tired of you too if you really wanna know the truth about it.

In the meantime, no, I'm sorry, I won't watch Lost with you tonight and no I don't have an excuse and no I don't care about your dumb feelings.

In today's installment of "People Who Don't Make Me Feel Inferior Because I Dropped Out Of College ...

For the enjoyment of all you anti-american immigrant loving basketball fans out there, apparently The Big O. is gonna be pandering to you tonight on TNT instead of advising all those pelicans down in the marshes of Louisiana that too much chocolate before dinner is gonna spoil their appetite.

In related news, "The Old Fashioned Ladies Club" is coming to Rockwood Music Hall's Stage 2, Wednesday August 18th at midnight. And you'll find out more about that when I'm ready to tell you.

Finally, there may not be tickets left for the greatest opening band in the history of bands that have opened for Chris Cubetta and The Dig at Mercury Lounge on June 5th but you should go here and find out: http://www.mercuryloungenyc.com/event/4526

Mwah.

M

P.S. There's a guy named Jason who does a pretty cool thing every Sunday morning(ish).

P.P.S. I'm gonna go now...

P.P.P.S. To see the CD release show of (K)Nights On Earth

P.P.P.P.S. Looks like the hamsters over at youtube finally got off their ...

P.P.P.P.P.S. And my lame ass walking home ...

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Rematch.

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Semi Finals just started... Kyle is sitting on his ass kind of like he was all throughout the games we lost.

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Stay tuned for post game analysis...

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The highlight reel: Basile gets the steal. Abad gets the Oscar for best flop!

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Up next... Basile vs. Abad.

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The Rentboy Allstars take a decisive game one!!!! Basile channels Derek Fisher for two clutch baskets...

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Game 1

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The introductions.
The shoot around.
The suspicious package?

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Bushwick Invitational 2010.

3 on 3 half court make it take cage matches.

Early arrivals pictured above.

Zzzzzzz....

Live Blogging The Bushwick Invitational!!!

I wasn't supposed to be here. Wish me luck.

Sent from my imBasilePhone

Variety 101: Variety

Coming soon to Rockwood Music Hall's Stage 2 ...

"The Old Fashioned Ladies Club"

M

Sent from my imBasilePhone

Back Surgery 101: Remembering The Quiet Parade

Hi,

This day is totally going to get better. I can feel it. And it totally doesn't matter at all the the recent immigrant from Jupiter behind the counter at this iBook convention, I mean coffee shop, just said "No we don't have that" to the first two things that I asked for. She then added, "Everybody's always asking for veggie cream cheese and smoothies!" Actually that last sentence would be more accurate if I ended it with a question mark. Yes, I know it wasn't a question. And yes, we can assume that you know it wasn't a question. But to the customer service representative in question, it really might have been a question. So, for the sake of accuracy in reporting, let's try that again. And just so you can keep up or not get lost because you're too thick headed to ask for directions, I'm gonna start a new paragraph.

You're welcome.

Anyway, I was talking about all the stuff on the menu that I wanted for breakfast today and how the young lady with the nose ring keeps saying "No we don't have that" to everything I'm asking for. She then added, "Everybody's always asking for veggie cream cheese and smoothies?" Which shouldn't even be a question but that's what it sounded like Isweartogod.

In unrelated news, I'd like to thank long time reader Phil Somethingorother for reminding me that I haven't posted a photo of my breakfast in a while ...

And speaking of things that make you wonder why you didn't just move to Mexico when you lived in LA all those years and it was so close you could touch it in less that 3 hours drive ....

I just got a twitter message from The Big O. saying that he's about to start saying a bunch of things about new cars that are cleaner and more energy efficient while conspicuously simultaneously not saying things like: "My fellow Americans, there is some seriously f#@%ed up s#!t going on down in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico and since we all pretty much have known for a long time that it was only a matter of time before a group of people who's only goal is to make more money than their friends would end up cutting a corner or two or three and cause some kinda semblance of a natural catastrophe without really having any kinda semblance of a plan for what to do in the event of ... Anyway, today I have some good news. Today, in the spirit of our founding fathers and the dreams of my father and my wife's white mother in law, I invite all Americans to join Michelle and I at your nearest BP gas station and fill'er'up for free! That's right kids! If you thought George Bush was cool when it came to giving away s#!t that is totally gonna come back to bite us all in the ass, I'm super excited to announce that we're all getting free gas for the month of June. On top of that, all your little underperforming fat ass kids can get one free donut and the high fructose corn syrup soft drink of their choice everyday for the month too. And all you have to do is be American! And be white. And a landowner. Wait ... what the? Joseph Biden! What did I tell you about ... "

In related news, what do you think Lebron James is doing right now?

Mwah!

M

P.S. If you need a bass lesson, I'll be at Banjo Jim's tonight with Jenna Torres.

P.P.S. She has songs that remind me of my dad and all the great country music that came out in the mid 70's to early 80's.

P.P.P.S. 8pm.

P.P.P.P.S. And speaking of me ...

P.P.P.P.P.S. Hello me, meet the real me.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Get well soon.

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Oh ... We finished soundcheck six hours ago. You missed the show. How was that rerun of the wonder years? I know, we all have a crush on Winnie.

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In case you were wondering, I had a mushroom slice. Casey is fasting.

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Nicks been in the bathroom for 20 min. No photos available at press time.

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Margarita Pit Stop...

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"I could use more bass." -Ken Rockwood

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Sidetracked with shopping for Mother Feather. What?!?????

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Live Blogging The Casey Shea Soundcheck!!!!

Hi,

I'm live blogging the Casey Shea soundcheck for tonight's show on Rockwood Music Hall's Stage 47!!!! Stay tuned for updates! It's gonna be amazing! Just wait till you see my new shirt and other things that make you wonder why your parents never got out of bed before 11am on Saturday mornings...

Crooning 101: R.I.P. To The F1 To The C#2

If you're anything like the 34 people I talked to yesterday, you not only have no idea that Ronnie James Dio has gone to heaven, but additionally you have no idea who in hell Ronnie James Dio is. Or was. Is it is or is it was? Whatever the case may be, someone somewhere is going to find it interesting that all of the people I had an in person conversation with had no idea who in the hell Dio was or is or that he's probably getting a pretty serious grilling from 'ol St. Peter were under the age of 30 while the people I knew would want to hear the news about Dio and his imminent grilling from St. Peter were at least pretty damn close to or over 40 years old and could only be reached via text message. This one guy that I used to work with or for or something typed the following message: "The great elf of darkness is gone... Heavy Metal is dead."

Anyway, since the audience here skews so young and since it's obvious that none of you know crap about rock n roll, today is dedicated to your education on all matters related to one Ronnie James Dio.

But before you fall back asleep I'm sure you'll appreciate that I'm presently reminding you that the inaugural / farewell performance of Gimme That (a band where is sing) is going to happen tomorrow night, 11:30pm, at Banjo Jim's because I know you forgot and were embarrassed to ask and knew that you couldn't use the old "blackberry doesn't always sync that well with iCal" excuse that no one ever believes anyway and besides, why do you still wear that nose ring? I mean, seriously, a nose ring? Next thing you know someone that's not even a woman is gonna resurrect Lilith Fair. BTW, you can feel free to thank me tomorrow for embedding a link to Banjo Jim's that skips the intro page.

In unrelated news, Ronnie James Dio has died. He had stomach cancer. Dio was an American heavy metal singer. I always assumed he was English. I love learning new things. Dio was known not only for being short but for having a truly enviable vocal range that was truly remarkable unless you wanted to write music that people wanted to listen to. His range is evidenced in this impossibly researched video:

Back when I was wondering when I would have hair down there, I knew Ronny best from his band Dio:

And I know him as the guy who took over for Ozzy Osbourne when he left Black Sabbath and everyone stopped listening to Black Sabbath. Here is a video showing why everyone started listening to Black Sabbath. As if you needed a reminder:

Incidentally, I saw Dio sing in person when he was touring with the Black Sabbath that no one listened to and has been touring under the moniker Heaven and Hell because I was the singer in a band, now available for house concerts for a fee of $800.00 plus breakfast (including your family favorite biscuits), that they opened for at Jones Beach. Or something. Anyway, it is now painfully obvious that someone in the audience was much more interested in some guy named Derek than how much this song was inspired by Holy Diver:

Dio also saw UFOs:

And he also had a brilliant response to Lionel Richie and all those do-gooders in the 80's pop world that I am positive only about 14 people in the world remember:

In related news, there is an underwhelming documentary about the greatest player in basketball that you can watch in ten minute segments while you try to fall asleep wondering who won the Miss America pageant:

Mwah!

M

On this day in 1951, I'm pretty sure Alan Freed first used the term "Rock And Roll" for the first time.
And, it's Billy Squier's birthday...
http://www.thisdayinrock.com/

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P.S. Don't forget to count your blessings today.

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Did I just move to Germany? Denmark? Help!

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Zzzzzzzz... Huh? Wha? Oh, we're landing. Nice dude.

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On my way home! I totally woke up late. But I'm here at Orlando airport safe and sound and I didn't get a ticket for driving 100 miles an hour down 528. Maybe cuz it's a toll road.

In unrelated news... There was just an announcement from the Dept of Homeland Security informing me that the terror alert level was "orange" which I am pretty sure is one step below "holy s#!t Batman, we're about to get blowed the f@$k up!!!!"

In unrelated news... I just passed through security with my cigarette lighter (that makes 12 straight flights) and an expired drivers license.

In unrelated news ... I sure am glad I am both Caucasian and own a decent sport coat. It really does make life a lot smoother.

Mwah!

M

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BTW, Ron Jons surf shop is the biggest in the world. I'm sure you've heard of it. But now when someone asks you if you've ever been you can lie, thereby sparing yourself a trip to the worst state in the greatest country in the history of the United States, and just describe this picture.

You can thank me when you see me next Tuesday.

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Before I got to FLA to collect my award for Best Son In The World, I was sitting in Thompkins Square park getting chess tips from the locals when I remembered I needed to finish a few songs for this show you're looking forward to on the 18th. Upon aping a scribes pose on my favorit bench I was unterupted by Michelle, Bobby and Krystal. Three bright eyed 20 somethings who said they were on a scavenger hunt and one of their objectives was to find a guy wearing a black blazer with green shoes. Apparently they spotted my new airwalks from about a mile away and approached all cheery and bright eyed and apologetic for interupting me. I didn't mind though because I love scavenger hunts. They feel like the best parts of life all crammed into an exciting afternoon and always make for a great way to learn more about the sights and sounds of whatever place it is you happen to find yourself scavenging. So of course I said hey, no problem what can i help you find? And then I realized they were a different kind of apologist when they asked me if, since meeting said discription, I had any issues in my life that I would like them to pray for me for. I thanked them for being so well intentioned but that in fact, my sport coat was a dark brown with pin stripes.

Anyway, my dumb song is a condensed paraphrasation of a story I heard about a guy who's family, on account of his being more attracted to people that (like him) had a blue room when they were kids, had a decidedly, shall we say f@%$d up reaction to the news of his being more attracted to people that (like him) had a blue room when they were kids.

Or something.

In unrelated news, if you're a Christian rocker, you should move to the Christian rock capital of the universe. Which is apparently Central FLA.

Mwah!

M

P.S. My back is totally sunburnt.

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There's a lot of this kind of thing around here.

And fake boobs too.

Jet Setting 101: One Man's Lesson In Forgiveness

Hi,

I'm sure you already know that if the man your mom is cohabitating
with is a paranoid windbag who actually thinks the world has done him
wrong even though by most accounts he lives a respectably comfortable
retired life complete with modest suburban home, a modest yet
sufficient fixed income and a pretty cool lady for a companion that it
is always better not call him out on being a paranoid windbag who
actually thinks the world has done him wrong even though by most
accounts he lives a respectably comfortable retired life complete with
modest suburban home, a modest yet sufficient fixed income and a
pretty cool lady for a companion. It's just not worth the argument.
Good thing we all know that. I'm just saying it because sometimes
these things are easier to say than to actually do and maybe you need
a reminder before your next holiday with mom ends up being more
awkward than it needs to be.

Anyway, the Lakers won a real nail biter last night.

Also, I just noticed 327 cool things about the beach:
#1. Pretty much everybody is walking around pretty much naked.
Especially the good looking ones.

#76. Pretty much evrybody leaves their personal belongings unattended
a lot of the time. And as far as I can tell nothing is being stolen.

#195. Pretty much nobody litters. Not even cigarette butts.

#327. There are plenty of public restrooms.

Mwah!

M

P.S. In case you weren't checking your latest Twitter updates...
Labghorne, your husband misses you.
P.P.S. I can't wait to get married someday so I can have a truly
meaningful and close relationship.
P.P.P.S. I'll fix all my typos when I get home.

Sent from my imBasilePhone

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Live from Kingsmill, RD... Just had a spirited debate with mom and her BF re: the N word, Obama and something about a renewed sense of entitlement amongst a certain group of Bingo afficionados at the local Catholic parish. Do all white people over 70 "have black friends too"?

P.S. I'm taller than Derek Fisher

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And, she's delivering the best monologue of the last decade!

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How fitting, Betty White is hosting SNL...

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10pm. Everyone in FLA is asleep.

P.S. Kobe.

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Flowers for mom. Check.

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Okay, I have landed safe and sound. You can carry on with your day now...

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Notes from seat 25D:
-Exit row. Awesome. Leg room.
-Pretty good cookies. Free.
-Possibly the worst issue ever of the New Yorker. Although we should all go see the women's fashion thing at the Met. It wherever it is.
-Damn, you must be so bored right now.

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See you in a few hours! Next stop... EZ Rent A Car, Orlando, FL

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There's a good chance the video I just loaded won't be visible. Is it because Steve Jobs has an overly inflated sense of self? Or is it because it is a better movie than even James Cameron could make and there is clearly a conspiracy against people like me who actually just made the best movie ever!!!

Oh, and they are calling my zone for boarding. It's zone 3 in case you're wondering. Anyway, I'm way too sophisticated to be caught standing in a line like that.

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These are the kinds of people that go to Florida. I wonder how many of them have a cigarette lighter in their back pack? Someday I'll be in first class and all these sonsabitches will be wishing they were there with me and my hot towel.

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The astute among you will notice that this whole live blog shebangalang is a work in pogress. The mismatched font sizes are still the most annoying part to me. But I know you're happy to share your dumb life with me, so now you know how I feel. Btw, the photo above is the inside of the taxi inside of which I almost died ... As if!

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Live Blogging, Now With Photos, From Central FLA!!!!!!!

Actually, I'm still at LGA waiting for my dumb flight because evryone is a freakin penny pincher these days. No that's not true. It's not penny pinching. There's actually nothing wrong with that. The problem is that I get very annoyed with excessive fees and I can't stop thinking about how writing a letter to Delta isn't gonna chnge a damn thing. Oh, life really does feel hopeless ... Until you wrap your grown up hand around that styrophome cup that reminds you of a time when it didn't feel weird to have a complete disregard for the environment and your mom could still smoke on an airplane.

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Mwah!

M

Sent from my imBasilePhone

BTW, you can't get a real small DD coffee at LGA. The small is really a medium in a styrophome cup. And, it costs $50 to board the Orlando flight before yours, even if there are seats avail. Customer service is alive and well! And, apparently Keane or some low rent non union equivalent is the new Muzak...

Either I'm going grey, or there's something funky with the light in this bathroom.

Just got through security. Shockingly the TSA failed to detect my cigarette lighter. That makes 11 flights in a row. Thanks to the Dunkin Donuts kiosk, I feel very safe.

Holy giant puddle. No visibility for 2 full seconds or the better part of an eternity. Best cab driver ever!

Taxi to LGA. Rain. Hydroplaining. Holy crap! (photo forthcoming)

Jet Setting 101: Live From Central Florida!

Hi,

Since I know you'll miss me, I will engaging in the recent phenomenon "live blogging" as I go down to the nether land that is Melbourne, FL albeit in a font size and title format that I'm just gonna have to fix when I get back which is so freakin' ANNOYING I just wanna punch my wall even though that is sooooooooo spring 2009 and I am totally over that phase of my life.

Anyway, I've been told not to order the fish this week.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Here's a picture of my handsome new haircut to keep you company while I'm gone ...

Procrastination 101: The Speed At Which Your Blog Loads Is Critical To Attracting More Readers To Your Blog and The Case For Banksy For President

Hi,

So far today I have procrastinated writing in the following ways:

1. Spent 16 minutes thoroughly investigating the ways I can get stuff for free by using my Amex Delta SkyMiles credit card.

1a. Being disappointed that I can't just cancel my netflix account and start a new in order to get 1,500 Delta SkyMiles.

1b. Being further disappointed in the knowledge that the extra 1,500 miles would have given me just enough miles to buy a ticket anywhere in the continental US.

2. Spent roughly 5 minutes staring off into space on the sidewalk of Metropolitan Ave.

2a. Being disappointed in myself for not quitting smoking.

3. Spent 3 minutes wondering if I should get a hair cut this week.

4. Spent 6 minutes reading an article about how other people procrastinate in their work.

4a. Being amused by a video my old friend Marshall sent me.

5. Spent 1 minute thanking God that I'm not the kind of person that gets tricked into clicking on links that don't go anywhere.

5a. Being amused that you are.

6. Spent 7 seconds wondering why Tony Hawk spends so much time telling other people what he's doing with his time.

7. Spent 7 minutes reading about various ways I can make this page load faster.

7a. Being proud that because of my superior instincts, I was already doing all of them.

8. Spent negative 8 seconds wondering if you're going to come to my gig at Banjo Jim's on May 18th at 11:30.

8a. The one where I'll be playing songs no one has ever heard.

8b. The one where Steely Dan is gonna be my band.

9. Currently spending however many seconds it takes me to type this sentence wondering if I really shouldn't just go outside and enjoy the sunshi...

Chinglish 101: Happy Anniversary and The Case For The Slow Flush Toilet

Hi,

Don't tell mom, but I got my ticket to Florida for my surprise Mother's Day visit. Remind me to call Delta though so I can claim my frequent flyer miles. I'm not so good at keeping up with that kinda stuff and for the life of me can't remember the password I used to set up that account 6 years ago and the website said they were gonna send it to the mailing address I used when I got my amex card. I think that was in LA. But like my password, I don't remember. I kept trying to use "ArentIHandsome" but, like my mom, apparently amex doesn't think so either.

Anyway, this morning I woke up to the sounds of La Roux. But before I tell you about how I feel about La Roux, you should be interested to know that right now I've got a different window open where I typed in the URL: hypem.com and the song that just came up is by a band called something that I can't type here because this is a family focussed enterprise so I'll just say it pretty much resembles: "Holy F#@k". You can imagine that I couldn't help but chuckle and thus feel the need to share that pleasurable experience with you.

Anyway, my initial instinct was to think that La Roux was a pile of crap. But soon enough I realized that they were actually a great example of the importance of simplicity of lyric as suggested by some guy named Stephen who apparently does a lot of talking via video in something called Sondheim On Sondheim that I apparently should remember to go see.

And then of course, I started thinking of great examples of things. For instance, piles of crap. As in maybe, just maybe, it's a pile of crap that there's a pile of crap running around Mississippi in the shape of a human who has what I can only assume is a pretty important job as a Democratic Representative for the state of Mississippi who upon returning from a sight seeing tour over the Gulf of Mexico the other day relayed the following words of calm to any constituents who might be a little shaken up by the potential damage to their environment digitally represented in a photo like this:

Or this:

Ot this one, which we'll call, "Daddy, how come there are no fish this year?:

Anyway, according to Mr. Representative Crap Pile, AKA Gene Taylor, we apparently don't really have anything to worry about ...

"What I want people to know is this isn't Katrina. This is not Armageddon. I did this for the Coast Guard many years ago. Yeah, it's bad. And it's terrible that there's a spill out there. But I would remind people that the oil is twenty miles from any marsh. [...]

That chocolate milk looking spill starts breaking up in smaller pieces... It is tending to break up naturally."

Whew. I sure am glad I'm not lactose intolerant.

And speaking of sightseeing tours ... you should really watch The Cruise. You can stream it on netflix but only if you remembered to pay your bill. Also, you don't need to post a comment or send an email, you can just thank me the next time you see me. Or better yet, you could just purchase a copy of the movie via amazon.com by clicking on the convenient link on the bottom right hand margin of this page. That's way down below the listing for a show by a band by the name of Gimme That that is playing what in all likelihood will be at once it's first and last show ever and by clicking on that amazon link box thing and buying The Cruise there you will help me send myself or someone else's kids to college.

Or something.

Now, go outside. It's gonna be winter again before you know it!

Mwah!

M

P.S. I can't believe that's how you spell likelihood!

P.P.S. Actually, I can.

P.P.P.S. I mean really ...

P.P.P.P.S. There's at least a few other things that have happened that are more worthy of disbelief.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Or so I think.