Saccharin Pop 101: Crisis Camps and The Case For Corn Fed Children

Hi,

Today is the second day in a row I've heard a Tracy Chapman song. Am I a big-fat-jerk-face if I hear "All That You Have Is Your Soul" and feel a certain urge to barge through my roommate's door and throw his fashionable Belkin iHomePodPlayer out the window and laugh while he and his too-much-toilet-paper-using-girlfriend run down the stairs to rescue his collection of "SnoreFest: 25 Earnest Classics To Make You Want To Barge Through Your Roommate's Door And Throw His Fashionable Belkin iHomePodPlayer Out The Window During A Snow Storm" during a snow storm?

Speaking of people that apparently have enough, I'm taking down the Help Haiti ad thing that's been over in the right hand margin for the last couple of weeks for a few reasons:

#1: Apparently people have been clicking on that link thinking that it was part of my AdSense program because they apparently didn't think the whole thing through enough to realize that the Haiti link wasn't even an advertisement but was more like an electronic PSA that asks you to donate to people in need. Do you really think I would take a fee for placing such a worthy widget on my site? Anyway, apparently people were getting confused and it was taking away from my income stream, so I'm gonna take it down.

#72: Apparently the link doesn't even actually work...

Thanks a lot Google for making me look like I was playing some kind of sick joke and am thus insensitive.

Anyway, I'm sure you noticed the change so I figured I would make that clarification.

Since I'm also sure that you're either curious as to what I had for breakfast or jealous that I don't cook for you anymore, here's a little something to either ease your mind about my general nutritional wellness or make your little heart break into another sixty thousand little broken hearted pieces...

And a hint to all you little home-makers out there: I like to dice my thick cut bacon and put it right on the pan first, then I just plop my not so neatly diced veggies (except for the tomatoes because those should always go on second to last, just before the cheese) on top with a healthy dose of black pepper. Then crack open the last three eggs in the carton and quietly fret over why you don't have enough money to go out to eat three times a day anymore. This saves you a lot on olive oil (assuming you buy olive oil that's actually worth ingesting, which is of course not cheap), makes it pretty much impossible to burn the bacon which of course always only serves to give your significant other yet another dagger with which to figuratively stab you in your little heart by highlighting the shortcomings that have caused your once beautifully Toyota Prius-esque collective life to come to a grinding screeching halt over the last three months, and of course most importantly keep you from getting fat (since everyone knows your gonna get fat eventually anyway so there's no use in speeding up the process).

Since I know you've also been trying to get out of your dumb rut and take in more of the city and it's many cultural advantages, I thought you'd like to know the American Museum of Natural History has a surprisingly interesting new exhibit showcasing the history of Tourism in London. You can see a preview here.

In related news, the Big O grabbed another opportunity to provide solace and inspiration to the masses of formerly working poor by responding with some pretty harsh words for fat cats like Jamie Dimon, along the way providing some much needed insight into the complexities of The Greatest Nation In The History Of Outsourcing Socialized War's current economic woes. Speaking to Bloomberg regarding Mr. Dimon's recent $17M bonus, the best looking POTUS in the history of half-white presidents shockingly began his answer with, "Listen..." Since I was expecting that, I probably woulda completely fell asleep if I hadn't started drooling. You know how sometimes the drool starts going down off your chin and drips onto your neck and you wake up super fast because you have a miniature nightmare that you're being bitten by bed bugs? Anyway, that's what happened. So I woke up and kept reading his answer:

"Listen, $17 million is an extraordinary amount of money. Of course, there are some baseball players who are making more than that who don't get to the World Series either. So I'm shocked by that as well."

Needless to say, I was comforted. Because really, nobody wanted a guy in the White House that couldn't relate to the little guy. And nothing says "I relate to the little guy" like a good baseball analogy. And everyone knows that the sports entertainment salaries of players who are so lazy-that-they-don't-get-to-the-World-Series are totally the same thing as worldwide-economic-collapse-inducing-reckless-abandon-practices-in-banking and it's affect on people who used to have a job but don't anymore:

http://www.wten.com/Global/story.asp?S=10440506

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/01/man-kills-famil.html

http://www.mlive.com/news/grand-rapids/index.ssf/2010/01/son_tries_to_piece_together_mu.html

http://www.insidebayarea.com/ci_14254445

http://www.alternet.org/economy/103656/arson,_suicide,_and_murder_mark_the_economic_crisis,_and_we're_not_hearing_about_it/

And, speaking of things that make me wonder whether or not it's gonna be worthwhile to see my 63rd Birthday (the one where I have a heart-attack in the kitchen and there's no one around to call the god damn ambulance), I offer the following evidence from Billboard.com that life really is a beautiful thing, worthy of the struggle:

"... Mayer's interview (in Playboy) has already sparked controversy on social networking sites like Twitter, where he was a trending topic on Wednesday afternoon. User OneNiceDish wrote, "Seriously, what is wrong with John Mayer? Total asshat," while jfuentes tweeted, "Why is everyone still surprised when John Mayer says crazy sh*t to reporters? He lives for this stuff."

"Wow.John Mayer, you are just too open minded," tweeted neopoliandreams. "Thoughts like that should be nothing more than thoughts, 'specially if you're famous."

Anyway, who wants to go build a snow man?

I'll bring the carrot.

You'll bring the coal.

Just like you always do.

M

P.S. jdlkasruhgsfjdghslkdfjhgsuifdhglkjsdfhgksdbsfgfs!!?!?!?!?!

P.P.S. Trending topic?

P.P.P.S. Really?

P.P.P.P.S. dljfkhlsdkjfghsdjgkshdf.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Shockingly, twitter was not as helpful to the people of Haiti as it was to the people of Iran.