Just now I spent about three minutes deleting a bunch of emails containing facebook messages from people I don't know about shows I'm not going to go to. There were about sixty of those within the ninety three emails I received over the weekend when I was not at home to instantly delete them. Needless to say, opening up the "Mail" application on my MacBook to find ninety three emails made me feel pretty important in general. In particular I was particularly impressed with myself to find one email from Barack Obama. In case you didn't know, Barack Obama is not only the half white star of a popular Discovery Channel show, but he is also the President Of The United States Of America. At first I thought, well, this must be just another campaign email from The Democratic National Committee that is not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee wherein they try to get me to donate money to the Democratic National Committee by saying something like, "If you donate $3, you could have a chance to win a trip to meet President Obama" and then include, as a "P.S.", a disclaimer telling me that I actually don't have to donate to enter this "sweepstakes" and I get really confused about the state of current affairs and start asking questions like: "Just what does it mean when the POTUS is holding a sweepstakes? Isn't that the kind of crap Ed McMahon used to sell on TV before he died? Isn't that like the lottery? And isn't the lottery a tax on the stupid? Does that mean my dad was stupid? Did he know what it meant when he voted for Reagan? Or was he just frustrated? And why are people shooting postal workers? Is frustration a slippery slope? Is there really a former prostitute running for Governor of NY State? Why does it make a kind of sense when she says that the only difference between her and career politicians is that she paid for her crime and they never do? Why did I have to scroll almost two thirds of the way down the home page of The Huffington Post today in order to find a photo of Christine O'Donnell only to find out that the photo shows Christine with her hair straightened? Why do so many girls straighten their hair? And does anybody know if The Gregory Brothers are gonna perform The Gift Of The Magi at Rockwood Music Hall again this year? Does anybody like that story as much as I do?"
Anyway, when I looked closer I started to get pretty excited. I mean, how often do you get an email from the POTUS with the words "I Want To Meet Matthew" in the subject field of said email? Not too freakin' often right?!?!?! Needless to say, I clicked open that email faster than you could say: 'Dude, you should totally open that email from the POTUS that's addressed to you faster than I can say, "Dude, you should totally open that email from the POTUS that's addressed to you!"' And upon reading said email was summarily set at ease about the state of our union. If by "our union" I mean the relationship between what I think and what is reality. Which I do...
Anyway, I'd like to publicly apologize to the Big O. for missing out on this unique opportunity for us to meet on account of the fact that I was in Vermont doing something I like to call: "Earning part of my living by playing a gig with the son of the guy who took the following photos that I am not compensating him to digitally represent within my own enormously profitable endeavor."
Incidentally, while I was in ...
... Vermont, the Mr. Gruen who did not take the photos above treated the band and me to, complete with fresh berries and home made whipped cream, something that can only be described as ...
... "The Best Freadflkajsdhfsdhglskfdgs Waffles I've Ever Had". Unfortunately the ensuing sugar high led me to have what one might call "A Lead Foot" ...
... thus rendering my net income from the gig to be a grand total of about $1.00. Yes, all the decimal points are in the right spots.
And speaking of The Big O. ...
Whatever you do, don't tell The POTUS or any of the other people you know that are half black, or all the way black, or any fraction of black wherein their appearance is defined by a dominance of melatonin, that my initial fine for speeding 23 miles per hour over the clearly posted speed limit was reduced, by the very friendly and courteous Vermont Highway patrolman, from $219.00 to $99.00 for the same reason I have boarded thirteen consecutive airline flights while carrying either a cigarette lighter, a Leatherman brand multi-tool containing a 3" blade that is sharp as f#@k, or both because: I am white.
In related news...
On this day in 1954, the first transistor radio was released.
I still use a vacuum tube radio to get information like this because: I am old.
And speaking of people who love when I post photos of my breakfast, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the latest news of upstart rocker band Atomic Tom and the ensuant backlash from one Bob Lefsetz that they've received for conceiving a publicity stunt that actually garnered publicity which, by dint of actually accomplishing something beyond commenting on what other people do, makes Atomic Tom about three hundred times more successful than Bob.
But listen, I understand what Bob is saying. I mean, I too was totally and completely blown away by almost all of the rock-n-roll I heard as a kid and have always wished that I would someday be in a famous rock-n-roll band. In fact I still do. So, you can imagine just how much I can relate to a guy like Bob being pretty dismissive about anything that anybody who is not me is trying to do in the land of rock-n-roll. But at the end of the day, even if you don't think that the song the band is playing on their iPhones in a low budget youtube video is on par with say, "Satisfaction" (which it isn't), there are words to describe the reasons why people would say things like ... "But since you suck so bad no one cares or you’re giving it one last shot before you go to college" ... about a group of guys who have a band and are looking for creative ways to promote it. One of those words is called: Jealousy. And another one of those words is actually two words and is called: Being Jaded. And still another of those words is actually three words and is called: Being An Asshole.
And another thing. I actually know the guys in Atomic Tom. So it stands to reason that I was doubly curious (read: suspicious) about this sudden spike in the bands visibility. Not because I don't think they are good, or because I don't think that they deserve it. No, I was suspicious and was thinking in a way that could be described as being jaded and was thus being an asshole because I am a human being and I am jealous of them and the over 1.2 million views their video has gotten in just a few short days because I know them and my old band played a show or two with them and we broke up and never got anywhere beyond playing for our friends because we didn't stick it out, or try hard enough ... or because I didn't stick it out or try hard enough ... or just weren't good enough ... or whatever.
Anyway, after spending about fourteen hours thinking "whatever man, nobody cares about anything and nothing matters," I decided to try not being an asshole for about five seconds and dove headlong into my treasure trove of rock-n-roll history and remembered about seven hundred and twenty three similar publicity stunts that rock bands have pulled in order to get people to pay attention to them ...
And here's another one:
Oh, and here's another one featuring a band lip synching their publicity stunt:
... and then I remembered that even if Atomic Tom's gear didn't get stolen or if their multinational conglomerate of a record label concocted this bit of moderately engaging example of viral marketing in a focus group, my opinion on the matter didn't really, well, matter. Except for the gear part actually. Cuz people's gear gets stolen all the time and it actually really sucks. That would be pretty lame if that was a lie. Anyway, what mattered was that these guys were getting some exposure for music which I for one know they worked really hard on. And if the aging critics of everything decide they would rather listen to James Taylor's Greatest Hits for the seventeen thousandth time instead of Atomic Tom, well that's certainly our collective right as aging dudes who didn't quite get to live out our dreams the way we had hoped. And furthermore, if their multinational conglomerate of a record label did in fact concoct this bit of moderately engaging example of viral marketing in a focus group, it's nice to know that their label is doing their job. If no one steals their record or buys tickets for their tour, no one will blame it on lack of publicity.
In the event that you are not one of the over 1.2 million people that have seen Atomic Tom's youtube video, you can thank me next week at The Old Fashioned Ladies Club:
Mwah!
M
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