Breaking News 101: Fox News Reporter Lambastes CNN Rival, Calls His Reporting 'Bullsh*t'

Hi,

Wow, that was a terrible Live-ish blog of being in the studio with Casey Shea. Sorry - About - That. Anyway, you will be relieved to know that things went well, almost as well as this morning's breakfast. You might say that I enjoyed both so much that I forgot all about showing you a picture. What can I say? When you perfectly spread your Apricot preserves on your perfectly toasted toast and/or Josh Dion perfectly holds down the perfect groove you kind of just forget about all the little people in your life. Sorry - About - That.

And speaking of little people, I'm guessing that one of the following statement about you are true:
1. You're totally bummed that you're probably not gonna get into the probably gonna be sold out show at The Knitting Factory this Saturday night when Mother Feather opens up for Deep Dish Rocket or whatever Linda Perry's new band is called.
2. You've never heard of Linda Perry or my mom's favorite song from the 90's. Maybe this clip from their 2007 reunion tour will jog your memory:


Holy crap! Did you see the Whammy-Bar on that kids bass?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I gotta call Matt at 30th. St Guitars right now and get one installed on all of mine ....

Mwah!

M

P.S. I'll be playing with Wes Hutchinson this Saturday night at some place called Rockwood Music Hall.
P.P.S. I'm pretty sure it's on the Upper West Side, but I'm never sure ...
P.P.P.S. All those places with the ropes and stanchions out front look the same to me.

Economics 101 :Late Breaking News and The Case For Editing Your Online Photo Albums Before It's Too Late

Hi,

Welcome to today's second installment of what once would have been referred to as "my web log" but is now referred to as the awkward to pronounce "my blog". Actually, I take that back. "My blog" isn't so much difficult to pronounce as much as it kind of just sounds dumb. And to make matters worse it sounds suspiciously like something that is gonna sound really dated in 2012. But who cares right? I mean, everyone knows that judgement day is only 18 days after what would've been my dad's 81st birthday ... That's May 21st for all of you who either A. don't know how to plus or B. never knew my dad's birthday ... and the entire world will have ended by October 21st. So go ahead, say Blog all you want I guess. For that matter, you might as well go ahead and wear the Uggs your stepmom found on sale at that outlet mall off of Route 15 on the way to visit Gramma in Temecula.

Anyway, all this is to offer you and yours the late breaking news that while many of you have your own many and varied reasons for thinking Mother Feather is best looking band since Mother Feather, Chris and I just made it official:

Mwah!

M

P.S. You can come be jealous of us on Friday, March 18th when we play Rockwood Music Hall at Midnight.

Civil Planning 101: Loud Talkers and The Case For Euthanasia

Hi,

Today I am writing to you from one of those Manhattan coffee shops, complete with a variety of faux looking, but probably actually real, leather chairs that make you think of the Pottery Barn catalog you were reading the last time you took a crap at your Aunt Lucy's summer house on Crystal Lake. The best part about this place is the people having really loud business meetings. For instance, right next to me is a some kind of a hot shot lecturer guy who's got some woman trying to explain to him how a YoutTube channel works. He seems pretty important. The woman has been instructed to "CC ..." him "...on all emails with these German people about the YouTubing." Next they're probably gonna start some really kinda boring conversation about his upcoming spot on Ted.com.

Anyway, you're probably wonder what I think Noel Gallagher thinks when he finishes peeing his pants after hearing lyrics like ... "Aaaahhhhhh, it's gonna be tough. The battle's on and your soul is the prize" ... from his little brother's "new" band's new album. I guess I think he probably wets himself from laughter, says something to the effect of "Hey Liam, have fun being the opening band!" and then goes off to ride the pony while staring at all the platinum albums he wrote.

Thanks to ________ for sending me a digital representation of the album he stole for free. If you'd like me to make fun of your album while secretly wishing more people made fun of albums I played on, you can send me links to unauthorized distribution networks here: imabsile@gmail.com.

In related new, congratulations to Mr. Spielberg and everyone who worked on E.T.

In unrelated news, not only does this guy look like an ass#ole ... shockingly, he actually is.

Finally, I gotta get outta here before I start shopping at Christian Dior.

Mwah!

M

P.S. On this day in 1977, Bob Dylan was served divorce papers.

Mathematics 101: Billy Ray Cyrus 'So Sad' About Miley Bong Video

Hi,

You're not gonna believe this but, the woman sitting next to me is not using an Apple computer. What do you think I should do? One can only assume that the manager of this cafe would want to know. Maybe I should pretend I have to take a crap so I can ask the manager for the key to the crapper and then tell him that he has someone in his cafe who he should be actively discriminating against. Maybe he'll be relieved to know that not all the whistle blowers of the world have gone limp in the last week. Maybe he'll give me a free coffee in return.

Oh, and speaking of stories about people who sympathize with whistle blowers and as such better start watching their back, have you ever heard of Ron Paul? Even though I know you rely on me for pretty much everything you need explained to you, I have to admit that I don't know a lot about Ron Paul except that he is a member of The House Of Representatives, representing the State of Texas and if I know anything about congress, I know that The House Of Representatives is kinda of like being a senior in High School but still playing point guard for the Junior Varsity basketball team. You're just not getting to second base with Julie Anderson. Nope, not even if your dad let's you borrow his Corvette for that date to the mall. In fact, that might actually lessen your chances. Unless you live in a suburb of Hartford, Deerfield, St. Paul or Tampa. Anyway, sorry to have been mixing metaphors. You'll have to excuse me. It's been a long morning. For starters, it would appear that that stalwart of breakfast cuisine, Morir Sonando ...

... is closed? What? I know. I tried calling Mayor Bloomberg but his line was busy, or something. Who the hell is he talking to all the time? Doesn't he know I've got real problems. I mean, I spent about 17 seconds walking around the block to the next counter-seat-only Dominican diner in the greater Broadway and Marcy arena of Brooklyn to get my requisite high fructose corn syrup enhanced fuel for under $5.00. And then of course when I got this place to tell you all about Ron Paul, there was the girl here with the computer that wasn't an Apple. Luckily for all of us, she was duly marginalized, quietly accepted her station in life, and left.

Anyway, Ron Paul hates America and supports terrorism. To wit, feast your freedom loving eyes on his recent manifesto of submission as presented in the form of an aurally delivered questionnaire to the other members of Congress:

"Number 1: Do the America People deserve know the truth regarding the ongoing wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Yemen?

Number 2: Could a larger question be how can an army private access so much secret information?

Number 3: Why is the hostility mostly directed at Assange, the publisher, and not at our governments failure to protect classified information?

Number 4: Are we getting our moneys worth of the 80 Billion dollars per year spent on intelligence gathering?

Number 5: Which has resulted in the greatest number of deaths: lying us into war or Wikileaks revelations or the release of the Pentagon Papers?

Number 6: If Assange can be convicted of a crime for publishing information that he did not steal, what does this say about the future of the first amendment and the independence of the internet?

Number 7: Could it be that the real reason for the near universal attacks on Wikileaks is more about secretly maintaining a seriously flawed foreign policy of empire than it is about national security?

Number 8: Is there not a huge difference between releasing secret information to help the enemy in a time of declared war, which is treason, and the releasing of information to expose our government lies that promote secret wars, death and corruption?

Number 9: Was it not once considered patriotic to stand up to our government when it is wrong?"

Which of course reminds me that the conspicuous silence of the "Eric Clapton Camp" regarding an invitation to perform a goodwill concert in North Korea can only be a sign of said bluesman's latent terrorist sympathies.

Oh, and speaking of people who may or not belong in the greatest country in the history of countries where 90% of caucasian television pundits need a remedial math class, I'll be performing with not one but two, count 'em, two foreigners tonight at Rockwood Music Hall. That's right kids, Emerald Isledian Andy Fitzpatrick leads his band of handsomeness tonight at 10pm with the very Italian Andrea Long on something he calls chitarra. Don't forget... Immigracion is always just a phone call away.

Finally, if you're like me, or wish you were like me, or just like hearing about things that people like me like, you'll also be happy to know that one of my secret admirer's continues to hold fast to her rightful place among the also ran's for 2010. Whew.

In the meantime, I have to go now ad do some New Year's Eve preparation busy work for slave driver Queen Mother Feather.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Don't forget to do your holiday shopping at amazon.com via the convenient link to amazon.com located in the bottom right margin of this page.

P.P.S. Don't forget to make other plans for Thursday night.

Tax Preparation 101: N.B.A. Union Chief Outlines Proposals

Hi,

In case you haven't been keeping up with mtv.com, you may not know that today is the day someone named John Lennon died. From what I understand, because he was killed under a surprise attack, he was actually something called "assassinated", by way of several gunshots. One can presume that the pedestrian understanding of "assassination" involving political motivations does not apply because as I just read on trusted news source Wikipedia, Mr. Chapman well explained that his issues with Mr. Lennon had to do with a perceived phoniness regarding material wealth on the part of Mr. Lennon and not because he probably could have gotten a bunch of people to vote for Jimmy Carter back in 1979 but instead allowed some guy named Reagan to become the best tax cutting president in the history of presidents before the one we have now. No, apparently Mr. Chapman was upset because John said he didn't believe in The Beatles ten years prior.

Anyway, since my target demographic of readers earns upwards of 7.2 million dollars per year, I know that you must be jumping for joy that your little tax break has just been extended for two more years. All the while what can only be explained away as a colossal mistake that I'm sure all of our overqualified and underpaid congressional representatives will work overtime tonight to fix, families that earn less than $40,000 per year will actually end up paying more in taxes than they did last year. Let's be clear. These poor sonsabitches did not get a tax increase. It's just the way things happened to work out on Monday night when The Big O. was busy flossing his teeth with Mitch McConnell's foreskin. Clearly The Great Appeaser was distracted. I mean, let's not forget that he's got a lot on his mind. How could he possibly be expected to remember something as simple as "All Of The Policies That People Thought They Were Voting For".

What's that? Oh, no actually it is not okay to say that a person coulda shoula woulda known to really look at all of the details in his campaign platforms and Senatorial voting record and thus have known that speeches where Barry said things like... "In reaffirming the greatness of our nation we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted, for those that prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long rugged path towards prosperity and freedom..." was really all a bunch of something my dad would have called "bulls#!t". Because the "men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long rugged path towards prosperity and freedom..." that he was talking about in the above quoted inauguration speech don't have time to parse through all of the other stuff. Instead, they vote with an expectation that you will not be lying to them in the speech they watched after a long day at work, carrying us along that aforementioned "...long rugged path towards prosperity and freedom." To those people, it just kinda maybe seems like people that make a lot of money already have a lot of money. To those people, it just kinda maybe seems like funny man Steve Martin actually wasn't joking when he said: "If you've got a dollar and you spend twenty-nine cents on a loaf of bread, you've got seventy-nine cents left. But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend twenty-nine cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand." Although, maybe he kinda was? I mean, he's got a lot of money right? Anyway, could you imagine what it would be like if you were one of those people who only had 71 cents left after you bought the cheapest loaf of bread on earth and then in some act of cruel irony the guy you voted for made a deal that caused your taxes to, in effect, get raised just so he could keep his $400,000 a year job that he got in part because you donated the money you coulda spent on lottery tickets to his application process? Wow. I bet that would SUCK! Good thing you don't have to imagine that...

Oh, never mind.

Anyway, like I was saying, today is the day that mtv.com posted what they consider to be "The Five Best Covers From The Past 10 Years" of John Lennon's "Imagine". Since you're too lazy to copy and paste "mtv.com" into your browser window thing and find them yourself, I'm gonna let you imagine that you're actually not lazy and do something called "embed" them here for your annotation reading pleasure .

1. Neil Young: This one is cool because I wish that Neil Young was my uncle. Not that I don't have cool uncles. My Uncle Tony is pretty hilarious. I've been playing with his comb-over since I was adopted.

2. Eva Cassidy: This cover is from a woman who has the same name as my sister. She's pretty cool. Even though for the last oh 18 years, we hardly see each other. We still really feel like we know each other. Isn't it funny how that happens with people you knew when you were a little kid? And btw, this version of Imagine is a real snore-fest. She should get a gig opening for _____ at ________ on a Friday night on Stage #_. I bet it would sound so beautiful.

3. This version starts playing once you finish watching a commercial. Which is almost as annoying as the way the guy who wrote that one cool song sings it. Having said that, I bet it would be kinda cool to hear this version in concert. Bands like them only sound good loud. But my roommates are home and I can't bear the embarrassment of anyone knowing that I was actually listening to A Perfect Circle covering Imagine. Wow. This really sucks.

4. Up next we have the award for "The Last Thing I Ever Expected To Be Listening To Today". I got 17 seconds in. Tell me how far you get okay?

5. Finally, we are at number 5 on the list of the 5 versions of Imagine that mtv.com posted today. This version is better than yours.

Finally, thanks to my good friends over at the HuffPost, I don't have to use as much imagination today.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Tomorrow night we have a date.

P.P.S. Yes, you can bring all your friends too.

P.P.P.S. Apparently they didn't get that WikiLeaks guy after all!

Constitutional Amendments 101: Minn. Pol With Gun Outside Abortion Clinic Says He Was Just In Area 'Checking On' His Girlfriend

Hi,

As you probably didn't read in between all the time you spend hiding in the bathroom so you don't have to confront your significant other about the affair you're having with the neighbor's kid's biological parent's significant other and the fourth time you watched the opening scene of Before The Devil Knows You're Dead today, this evening's AP report brought to light another setback to the dying art form known as "Mass Protest, Or The Art of Taking It To The Streets". That's right folks! Today, overtime seeking policeman throughout the nation were disappointed that an apparently "loosely organized campaign on the internet" did not in fact motivate people to any such actions as would require them to stand around looking like total badasses like they did at the last protest I went to which you can see a clip of if you click pretty much on any of the last 12 or so words of this sentence. What? Yeah, I know, it's 13 words. That's why I said 12 or so. I mean, duh. You think I don't know what I'm writing here? What? Yes, even the time I wrote "there" when the context called for "their". Prove it? I just did. I mean, the only way for you to know I didn't know would be if I were lying. And then you'd still have to listen to me because the fact that you're reading this clearly illustrates that no one else in our circle of friends even talks to you anymore on account of the fact that they don't know how to tell you that you're life is going nowhere and now I'm all you have left. So there.

Anyway, before I was interrupted, I was talking about how interesting it was that no one who uses the internet protested the new and improved full body scanners at the airport and how I've been trying to figure out why the "loosely organized campaign on the internet" didn't become a more focussed enterprise? I mean, I totally think that everyone working at the TSA wants a weird X-Ray photo of my naked body. Because, I mean, it's obviously so hard to find pictures of naked people these days. I bet if I went to http://exgf.com/ I would never find a photo of a naked girl that may or may not be somebody's ex-girlfriend. And if I happened to like naked people that have the same chromosomes as me, I bet I would never find any photos by making the following google search: gay male porn. Or, like a certain someone in the first paragraph, I'm sure that no one just opts to stick with their netflix account so as not to feel like a total creep every time he clears his browser history.

(Editor's Note: I use the "masculine" because, well, let's be honest...)

Alas, all of this is to say that I am somewhat relieved to think that my Thanksgiving travels will not be derailed by the ensuant chaos of people who think their civil rights are being violated.

Oh, and speaking of things I do with the Stage Manager of The Old Fashioned Ladies Club, I sure hope they like to watch basketball in Minnesota! And, yeah, you should totally come to The OFLC next Wednesday December 1st. There you'll get a glimpse into what makes a girl who spent 73,423 childhood hours learning the ASL for her favorite Bette Middler song tick. Along the way, we'll explore the insubordination of Rosa Parks, celebrate World AIDs Day, and otherwise wonder why anyone could possibly be interested in golf.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Happy Turkey.

P.P.S. I almost forgot to give you the link to my subject line.

P.P.P.S. In case you're new, you can just click the sentence above for the aforementioned link.

P.P.P.P.S. Gun rights sure are cool huh?

P.P.P.P.P.S. Oh... Speaking of Air Traffic Control!

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Mother Feather is in the studio next week.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Cock A Doodle Dooooooo!

Variety 101: Inside The Bruising Dem Leadership Fight

Hi,

Having fallen behind for the last ten or so days, you'll just have to assume that my life is either pretty important or at the least more interesting than the life of a person who keeps coming here looking for points of interest to bring up at dinner parties where you play the role of ivy-league-educated upper-middle-class thirty-something-mom on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Anyway, here's a little recap of what you've been missing.

1. The movie Tempest starring a young version of everyone's favorite hot older woman is pretty lame. Except for Molly. She was great. A real natural.

2. I'm gonna update the gig section of this page when I finish typing this sentence.

3. Yes, Nick and Danny are also starring in The Old Fashioned Ladies Club this Wednesday, November 10th at 11pm.

4. Well, actually, yeah I guess you're right. Starring might be a slight exaggeration. It's important to be encouraging though. I think it brings out the best in people.

5. Speaking of The OFLC, thanks to a certain stage manager who forgot to get her voter registration changed from the great state of Illinois to the even greater state of New York, Steve Jackson and I lost the NY State gubernatorial election by one vote.

5(.5). Thanks a lot.

6. In unrelated news, you'll be relieved to know that Christine O'Donnell is still making the front page of The Huffington Post because she's appearing on a show running opposite a show hosted by a guy who used to rely on Al Roker but now can afford to run about a hundred and twenty seven ads on the front page of the Huffington Post.

7. And for those of you who have trouble sleeping at night, apparently there are also articles that don't show pictures of Christine O'Donell on the Huffington Post.

8. You too can find fashionable accessories for me to wear at the next Mother Feather show at The Dressing Room. Located on Orchard St. just south of Broome, The Dressing Room is your one stop shop for vintage bedazzlement (See accompanying photo), new designs from new designers and a fully stocked bar. Tell them I sent you and I pretty much guarantee that no one will care.

9. The movie Jackass 2.5 is pretty depressing.

10. I swear to god I saw one of the guys from Atomic Tom at a house warming party the other night. I think he plays the Sony Walkman, but I was too nervous to talk to him and find out for sure. Luckily for us, they've become too busy to perform at this week's edition of The OFLC. We totally didn't want them on the show anyway.

11. The net point I'm gonna make is something I like to call: Foreshadowing.

12. ...

13. The following point references a rejected joke for The OFLC wherein I attempted to reference the bankruptcy proceedings of a certain used to be famous mononymous person while passing a tip bucket.

14. The replacement promises to be funnier than the other rejected joke involving a boxing match between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr.

15. I bet my mom saw this:

16. This guy is a jerkface.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Don't forget to mark your calendars for today.

P.P.S. Nick Afticano is playing at Rockwood Music Hall.

P.P.P.S. At 10pm.

P.P.P.P.S. His guitar player is very tall.

P.P.P.P.P.S. 32nd best song ever:

Variety 101: Thank God It's Fall ... I Can Finally Accessorize Without Feeling Gay!

Hi,

Lest you think I've neglected to note how much I know you've been waiting for me to weigh in on the really fu@$ed up NY Daily News article about Palladino being a big-fat-dumb-faced-homophobe who doesn't seem to understand that even if he were to have anything resembling a legitimate or rational reason to be opposed to gay marriage the fact that he is one step away from becoming the governor of the state that houses the most popular and, however gentrified it may seem to be if you never leave lower to mid manhattan, diverse and eclectic city that I know means that, like it or not, he is in fact now officially a public figure on the cusp of a very real and relevant leadership position in a society that for reasons that escape me, but can only be attributed to something called fear and/or insecurity and/or latent and/or suppressed homosexual tendencies, finds itself in what might be referred to as a crisis situation relating to the life and/or death of young people who display homosexual tendencies in public and/or private and that maybe, just maybe, it might be a good time for people in public figure kinds of positions to use a little bit of discretion and/or tact when discussing issues that make some people, depending on their perspective, want to literally stick baseball bats and plungers up other people's butts and/or hang themselves from a tree.

Anyway, I'm not gonna go there. I'm just gonna assume Mr. Palladino was taken out of context by the liberal media. But in case you missed what the guy who doesn't deserve to share the same first name with my dad said, I have cut and pasted the following sentences just to make sure I got the quotes just right:

“I don’t want [children] brainwashed into thinking homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option – it isn’t,” followed by, “I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family.” It was only after only after these two zingers that Paladino backpedalled a bit, offering “Don’t misquote me as wanting to hurt homosexual people in any way,” he said. “My approach is live and let live.”

Anyway, like I said, I don't really have a comment. But I do know the even though I haven't even kissed a guy since that one night about 7 years ago when that one girl thought it would ... ummm, never mind ... I'll be voting for a different Italian guy in November.

In totally unrelated news, Mother Feather is playing this Friday night at Bowery Electric, so earlier today I had to spend a little time browsing the necklace selection at Forever 21.

And speaking of things you're looking forward to this week, today I also ran a few errands for something called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. One errand was really a phone call to a piano tuner. Another errand involved finding out that, even though Halloween is just around the corner, most men are not very enthusiastic about wearing a Raggedy Ann costume. Another errand involved falling in love with google all over again for helping me figure out that a "tinsle-esque-backdrop-thing" is actually called a "Mylar Door Curtain". Another errand involved buying some Vanilla Chocolate Chip Hagen Daas ice-cream. Actually that errand wasn't really an errand so much as it was "dinner". And now I'm remembering that I just read an article that, in a manner of speaking, said that eating ice-cream for dinner might not be the best idea after all. Which of course now means that I'm going to be totally freaking depressed for the rest of the night and not be able to sleep well at all. OMG ... WTF? I am totes not LOLing.

Oh, and speaking of God. One of the other errands I ran involved a collar and a cross and a really big ruby ring and was related to another errand which involved reading the Bible. Or The Bible. Do you capitalize The in The Bible? Or is it the Bible? UGH! Writing is soooooooooooooooooooo hard.

Anyway, you can find out how my errands may or may not relate to Creedence Clearwater Revival on Wednesday at The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. It's gonna happen at The Parkside Lounge. We'll be starting at 11pm. You're gonna look GR8! I promise!

Mwah!

M

Variety 101: Banned In The NYC

Hi,

Did you hear the one about the country that may or may not have been founded on a certain set of principles that may or may not include religious and cultural freedom except as it related to the two or so million people that for a few thousand years had been living on the land that makes up said country and/or relates to Muslims? I forget the punch line, but I'm pretty sure it's a good one.

Speaking of punch lines, today is the day after my variety show got banned from the only venue that I ever wanted to do the show in. In case you hadn't heard about it, the show was called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. It was a music centric variety show, featuring sketch comedy and a smattering of vaudeville. Since we just did the show on Wednesday night, I'm pretty sure I still remember everything that I remember happening. Which may or may not be what ended up on film. But since I was educated in the greatest public school system in the history of revisionist history, I know that no one really cares if you get the story right. You just need a pretty good punch line.

Anyway, if you don't mind shutting up for about five seconds, I'll give you my version of Wednesday night in a little segment I like to call: "The Rise And Fall Of The Old Fashioned Ladies Club Featuring The Recollections Of Matt Basile" ...

Let's start with the superlatives shall we? Yes. We shall. Because this is my forum and I will do whatever I want and no one can ever not tell me to my face that they don't like what I have to say.

Anyway. Let's get back to what I think...

For August 18th, 2010's The Old Fashioned Ladies Club:

The award for Best Female Vocal Of A Theme Song goes to: Misty Boyce

The award for Best Comedy Sketch Involving A Violin Bow and A Shout Out To Palm Bay, FL goes to: Casey Spindler

The award for Best Looking Guitar Solo goes to: Mark Marshall

The award for Best ...

(Editor's Note: This edition of "Experiment's In Self Aggrandizement By Matt Basile" was interrupted yesterday so that I could play a gig with Mother Feather at Mercury Lounge. I am now going to try to get back into the proverbial "zone" here and finish my story about being banned from Rockwood Music Hall by listening to the new CeeLo track on repeat.)

... Interpretative Dance Involving Scarves goes to: Abby Ahmad

The award for Best Sponsor Activation goes to: Casey Shea

The award for Best Drummer Over 6' 7" Tall goes to: Chris Benelli

The award for Best Paper Mache Ball By An Engaged Stage Manager goes to: Angela Cheng

The award for Best Bass Performance Despite Jet-Lag goes to: Tony Maceli

The award for Best Special Effects goes to: Andy Fitzpatrick

The award for Best Impersonation Of The Olsen Twins While Taking Pictures Of Me In My Underwear goes to: Ann Courtney and Lizzie Carena

The award for Best Sword Swallower goes to: Heather Holliday

The award for Best Comedy Skit Involving Multiple Layers Of Socio-Political Commentary That No One Really Got But Still Garnered A Great Laugh goes to: Luke Wesley

The award for Best Critique Of The OFLC goes to: Pierre

And finally, the award for Best Execution Of The Principles Of Method Acting goes to: Michael Vitacco

Oh! And speaking of things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, in case you hadn't heard, the US has officially withdrawn all combat troops from "Greatest War In The History Of Driving Service Men And Women To Suicide".

In related news, did I mention that I started a variety show at Rockwood Music Hall and we got banned after the opening night? Pretty cool huh? Well, in case you haven't been there, you should know that Rockwood Music Hall is really nice. So nice in fact that, in the warm glow of it's well appointed antique lighting, plush red velvet walls, a truly marvelous wrought iron balcony with accompanying staircase and augmented by a particularly inventive make-shift spotlight held on high by the world's first "Human Applause Sign", a small town guy like me can suddenly be transformed so as to look so good that he gets mistakenly identified as a cross between Warren Beatty and Mick Jagger by a lovely patron who may or may not have literally crawled onto the stage in order to sink her pearly whites into the soft flesh of my buttocks.

Anyway, the show is called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. And aside from a few rookie mistakes, the fact that I remember a lot of people laughing through pretty much the whole thing makes me think the show went pretty well. So, with that in mind, we're gonna look for a new venue. Hopefully you'll be interested in coming to see us there too.

(Editor's Note: Have you heard this song...?

Mwah!

M

P.S. This guy is living proof that if you just shut up and write some good and then get up on stage in front of 200 strangers and sing your ass off for 40 minutes, you can sell every last copy of your new CD at a merchandise table that didn't even have a representative from your record label staffing.

P.P.S. The Power.

P.P.P.S. I'm playing with Nick Africano tomorrow night.

P.P.P.P.S. I'm playing Muddy Waters tunes with Mark Marshall on Monday.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Oh, and I'm singing one too.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. If you could see me now, I'm pooping my pants.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Not really. That's a figure of speech meant to demonstrate my reverence for Muddy Waters and how I am nervous to sing one of his songs.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I did however just finish a pretty big cup of coffee so in a few minutes I will probably actually be pooping.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. As you may have heard, I was a little distracted on August 18th... Please let the record show that I am proud to share the anniversary of the start and end of The OFLC with your hot mom's birthday!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Thanks to these guys for the bass amp last night.

Pascal 101: How Technology Has Fractured The American Familia and The Case For Making The Case For Elizabeth Warren

Hi,

In case you haven't been paying attention, today is the day after July 27th, 2010.

I only point that out because if you're anything like me, you have a tendency to forget important dates. Or dates that other people think are important. Like the 14 times in my life that I've had a blisteringly mind-numbing row with a temporary significant other on account of my forgetting said soon to be former significant other's birthday. Or like how I can't ever really remember any dates of historical significance besides the year the greatest country in the history of countries to be really pissed off at wikileaks was born. That's 1776 in case you're foreign and don't want to be deported. Or if you have a really good tan and happen to be passing through Arizona.

(Editor's Note: Actually, I'm pretty good at remembering when rock and roll albums were released. But I'm not sure if releasing a rock and roll record counts as making HIStory.)

Anyway, back to me and the things I forget ...

Damn. I just forgot what I wasn't remembering.

Anyway, like I started to say... If you're anything like me, you could not have been more overjoyed to see Steve Jobs' line of iProducts come together over the last decade. Since, if you're like me, you know how much they help make you seem like you've really come a long way towards getting you s#!t together, even if you really are getting tired of the whole Safari vs. Flash business. And even though you've always wondered why it's not called iSafari. Or more pressing, why is THIS not called an iPad? Because 'ol Stevie Jobie didn't hire me as the "Consistency In Branding Czar" like I told him to, that's why.

What? There's already an iPad and Mike Grubbs was the first person in the L.E.S./Brooklyn music scene to own one? Hmm. Okay... well, let me try this google.com thing that someone told me about and see what I can find out about this so-called iPad.

"Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock."

(Editor's Note: Special thanks to Mike Vitacco and all the wonderful folks at Nutmeg Audio Post for what we in the "business" call: Sound Affects.)

(Senior Editor's Note: That's "Sound Effects".)

(Editor's Note: Oh. Thanks Ann.)

Okay. I'm back from crowd surfing the nether regions of Htmlland and here's what I've found:

I have found that I think this iPad really should've been called something else. Like, how about: "iPuter"? This way you could download the free third party application "Atomic Fart" and then invite all your friends over and say things like: "Hey Jimmy, check out the atomic farts coming from my iPuter!"

In the interests of full disclosure, I don't have any friends named Jimmy. But I do have a cousin named Jimmy who once fell off of a telephone pole and spent a few months walking around with a cast on his head. That's actually my first memory of him. If you never had a cousin named Jimmy who walked around for a few months with a cast on his head, you should look at the life-like, water-marked for copyright protection, digital representation of what happens when you fall off of a telephone pole pictured below ...

In unrelated news, today is pretty special. For starters, today marks 100 Days that God has been making a point against gay marriage by filling the Gulf Of Mexico with something called: The fundamental component of pretty much everything you use on a given day. Or, put it another way: The building "block" of of pretty much everything you use on a given day. Or perhaps, the corner "stone" of pretty much everything you use everyday.

(Editor's Note: Before you go getting all in a huff and start throwing a temper tantrum over my "incorrect" use of "quotations" in the preceding two sentences, I'll have you know that I'm pretty sure I've thought this through and I'm pretty certain that I'm using them correctly on account of employing what I'd like to call a "creative device" in order to highlight certain words based on the current vernacular and thus inform the reader that said "quotated" words might just be getting the literary "quotation" treatment for an instructive reason.)

The astute among you are surely not wondering why I put quotations marks around the words "block" and "stone". Those of you who are too busy buying the "Nylon Tricot High-Waist Swim Brief" for your hot girlfriend from americanapparel.net should click anywhere on the rest of this sentence.

In the interest of full disclosure, I've honestly completely forgotten why I "quotated" those words. Unfortunately, I can't be here all day re-writig every little thing in order for it to make "sense" to you, so you'll just have to imagine that I'm making it. "Sense" that is.

Anyway, it's hard to believe you're still reading this. And speaking of reading, today I woke up and read the message from my iCal alarm as displayed on my iPhone (which was of course synched to what obviously should be called my iMacBook so that I got to read it again when I turned that on). Fresh from a restful night of oh so peaceful things that my former therapist called "anxiety dreams", I took a little trip down something I like to call: "The Last 17 Years of Matt Basile's Memory Lane". And as I remembered all things I never got to ask my dad, I did stop for a moment to thank Steve Jobs and his ilk for putting the benefits of modern technology within the buying power reach of middle class men such as myself. Along the way, helping me to remember the things I used to forget.

Oh, and since I did used to forget, I used that http://www.google.com thing I told you about before just to make sure I didn't have the date wrong last year when my former therapist suggested that remembering things could prove to be an important part of something she called: "Your Healing Process, Matthew". As it turns out, this time I remembered right:

Mwah!

M

Combat Readiness 101: Black Capris And What We Think Are New Black Sandals

Hi,

Good morning (if you live on the west coast, which I do not) from the coffee shop that makes me feel like I'm in Connecticut even though I'm only 12 blocks from what used to be my apartment where I used to keep a couple pretty stylish size 36R suits from Zara and one more conservative size 36R suit from Kenneth Cole (which I found scouring the sale rack at the largest department store in the world back in 2002). Those suits were most recently useful for sandwiching a pretty bitchin' blueish-black leather jacket that had one unwieldy collar. So I carefully hung the jacket between them in an effort to "train" said collar to lie flat against the shoulder/breast area so that I would look cooler than someone who's leather jacket collar was just sticking out like a mushroom boner.

In unrelated news, here's a pretty recent photo of me on stage with a band called Mother Feather that you can come see tomorrow night at Bowery Electric looking cool in the blackish-blue leather jacket that I don't own anymore:

This is another picture of me looking pretty cool in the blueish-black leather jacket that I bought at Buffalo Exchange one day when I was hanging out with my friend _________ while her boyfriend ________ was playing competitive frisbee with a bunch of other grown men:

Oh, and since you asked, here's a photo of me at my friend Bryan's wedding, respectively dancing with his hot wife and hitting on his hot mom while wearing one of the pretty cool suits from Zara that I used to own. I think it's pretty obvious from these digital representations of the moments we shared together that these women thought I looked pretty damn good in that suit I used to own too:

And speaking of things way more important than how you look to me for distraction from the dead end job your father warned you about ending up with when you decided to drop out of college and go backpacking with a $1300 Euro-Pass for the better part of 2006, the Huffington Post is today once again proving that there really is no ends of the earth to which they won't travel in order to bring you the news you need to make the best of the precious life your spoiled little brat of an ungrateful heart should be thankful to be living. Clicking on this sentence will do something called "link" you to the above referenced very important article. However since you and every one of your Aunts and Uncle's who are constantly whispering under their breath about how you've really not gotten anywhere in life and how it's such a shame because you really were such a bright kid knows, you're probably not gonna even take the time to read this very important news of the day that someone got paid in real American dinero's to report on, I have decided to provide you with the crux of the article with the following photograph and accompanying caption:

"The Obamas left for Bar Harbor, Maine on Friday morning looking like a fashionable clan! Michelle wore an embellished tank with black capris and what we think are new black sandals. She carried a blue tote. The President shed his tie and the girls looked like stylish teens."

In related news, I will also be performing at the 9pm show tomorrow night at Bowery Electric with someone who seems to think he's a real swell guy.

Zzzzzzzzz ...

And speaking of speaking in tongues and/or fashion, today marks one of those rarified moments where we commend Bill O'Reilly as he actually provides some semblance of balance to a little known TV network called FOX News:

Finally, in today's final installment of "Things I Found On The Huffington Post Blog To Appropriate For Use On My Own Blog" ...

The good folks at the Blog who's owner has a really sexy accent are today paying tribute to a concept I like to describe to as a kind of economy-of-color-shape-and-form-in-the-arena-of-creative-visual-and-or-aural-would-be-art-when-or-intended-for-use-and-or-appreciation-by-mass-audience-and-or-monetization but for some reason they obliquely refer to as "less is more". That's right kids, it's time to honor achievements in black and white website design!!!! How excited are you? I know. Me too. And guess who won? Well, before we get to that, let me show you who didn't win. Example number one, from some hack you can find by clicking on the following photo of his hack website:

Next we present a website that can only be described as Zzzzzzz..."

Our last example of balck and white websites that are not the best balck and white website ever maintains a level of suckiness that would best be honored as the winner for overall suckiness:

And finally, the moment you've been waiting for in between whipping the the drool off of your girlfriend's fashionable new cable knit sweater, the winner of The Huffington Post's "Best Black And White Web Site In The History Of Things That Matt Basile Does A Better Job At Than Pretty Much Anyone Else You're Ever Gonna Meet Because You Never Applied Yourself." Go ahead and click on the screen shot of the "Best Black And White Web Site In The History Of Things That Matt Basile Does A Better Job At Than Pretty Much Anyone Else You're Ever Gonna Meet Because You Never Applied Yourself" to experience the site in all it's html glory:

Mwah!

M

P.S. The Old Fashioned Ladies Club debuts on August 18th at Rockwood Music Hall.

P.P.S. Maybe you'd like to be a part of it?

P.P.P.S. Send me a note, or talk to Jordan at Rockwood Music Hall.

P.P.P.P.S. The US Army has taken a dramatic step toward providing some needed support for the good men and women who are risking their lives over in a place called Afghanistan.

P.P.P.P.P.S. In lieu of doing something as meaningless as withdrawing from what can only be described as an exercise in nation building futility, the powers that be have put the greatest of the greatest minds in military dominance together and produced a 20 minute video on suicide prevention.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Here's a paraphrased quote from one of the 32 mom's that lost her son to suicide in the month of June...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. "Thanks a lot."