Whew! Today was a late start.
P.P.P.S. And inspired my desire to wear women's clothing on stage...
In case you're not one of the 44,038 people who've already watched what can only be described as either yet another example of why we can all be thankful that youtube allows us the opportunity to keep up with the important programming offered on CSpan2 without having to actually pay for it or an embarrassment, I encourage you and yours to view the following testimony outlining the many and varied jobs available to tough and hard working Americans.
In what may or may not be unrelated news, upon his instigating coitus last night, Steny Hoyer's wife has invited him to "go play with yourself" for the next 30 days.
In what may or may not be unrelated news, upon his instigating coitus last night, Steny Hoyer's wife has invited him to "go play with yourself" for the next 30 days.
And in another piece of related news relating to the last vestiges of patriarchy, one vehement Mrs. Henderson was overheard to exclaim: "Todd! Pitchforks?!?! When did you become such an asshole? Jesus Todd. You think you're being lynched? No, people are commenting on your bllah-blah-blah-boooooooooo-hoooooo-blog because you said a bunch of stupid s#!t and came off sounding like a spoiled brat. Pitchforks?!?! Ugh. What? No. No we can absolutely not have sex. What? No. Maybe not ever. Call Steny Hoyer and have a circle jerk."
And now, for today's installment of "I Too Need A History Lesson", it appears that one Alan Haynesworth would have been a good candidate for some of that loot Mr. Zuckerberg is doling out in an effort to make people think he's not an asshole. (Ed. Note: Those of you who are either paying attention or really just don't have a life totally just had a 'Yeah well Mr. "I Write For Forbes Because I Am A Big Smarty Pants" maybe you're not really so smart after all since everybody know that The Wall Street Journal is decidedly not the same thing as The New York Times you said you were linking to'.)
Anyway, let's get back to football. The grid iron. The pig skin. This morning(ish), whilst eating my suspiciously runny over-medium eggs and sausage and whatever other artery clogging foodstuffs I had ordered, I read a story that can best be summed up by pretty much quoting almost the whole article using a little known plagiarizing technique known as "copy and paste":
Haynesworth, who rarely speaks to the media, was upset this year when the Redskins switched to a 3-4 defense and told him he would be playing nose tackle.
Haynesworth protested by staying away from the team's offseason conditioning program and practices. He also skipped a mandatory minicamp and was unable to pass the team's conditioning test until the 10th day of training camp – all despite receiving a $21 million bonus on April 1.
"I guess in this world we don't have a lot of people with, like, backbones," Haynesworth said. "Just because somebody pay you money don't mean they'll make you do whatever they want or whatever. I mean, does that mean everything is for sale?
"I mean, I'm not for sale. Yeah, I signed the contract and got paid a lot of money, but ... that don't mean I'm for sale or a slave or whatever."
Haynesworth said it was agreed that he would play defensive tackle in a 4-3 system when he signed with the Redskins in 2009, but the team has since overhauled its front office, coaching staff and offensive and defensive schemes. He said he now likes the new scheme better as he works with defensive coordinator Jim Haslett.
Haynesworth made a passing reference to his disputes with coach Mike Shanahan, saying some things "went down with me and Mike," but he did not elaborate. He also said he doesn't like the spotlight and would rather be someone who can just "go to Wal-Mart and hang out."
In case you fell asleep or lost your place whilst dabbing the yoke stain off of the fly of your TopMan jeans and are now spending your limited brain capacity wondering if the cute girl sitting next to you on the 7 train is gonna think you have bladder control issues, Mr. Hayensworth gets paid millions of dollars to play football but is an out of shape fat-ass crybaby who has a limited grasp of American History and pines for the day he too can "Save Money. Live Better."
In unrelated news, an unsubstantiated patriarchy debilitating quote attributed to Mrs. Haynesworth went someting like this: "Alan! Slave?!?! When did you become such an asshole? Jesus Alan. You think you're a slave? No, people are writing about you because you said a bunch of stupid s#!t and came off sounding like a spoiled brat. Slavery?!?! Ugh. What? No. No we can absolutely not have sex. What? No. Maybe not ever. Watch this video of your new favorite band and then go call Steny Hoyer and Todd Henderson."
And speaking of people who's school district apparently suffered from a lack of funding, the other day there was a woman talking to a bunch of Gay GOPers about being Gay and being in The GOP and about how she was gonna bring them out of the closet regarding their not wanting to have the right to get married. Wait. What the hlkjfgfdgsjdhfglshufdkgzhusd;fjkhsd;kf? Let's just stop here for a second.
And speaking of people who's school district apparently suffered from a lack of funding, the other day there was a woman talking to a bunch of Gay GOPers about being Gay and being in The GOP and about how she was gonna bring them out of the closet regarding their not wanting to have the right to get married. Wait. What the hlkjfgfdgsjdhfglshufdkgzhusd;fjkhsd;kf? Let's just stop here for a second.
Okay. Sorry, I just had to make sure I read what I wrote correctly. And then I had to make sure that I had accurately paraphrased someone else's reporting correctly. Turns out I did. But just so I'm double sure, I'm gonna copy and paste it again...
The other day there was a woman talking to a bunch of Gay GOPers about being Gay and being in The GOP and about how she was gonna bring them out of the closet regarding their not wanting to have the right to get married. Oh, and she also made the argument that the following Amendment to the US Constitution only applies to black people:
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
And speaking of revisionist history and a touching memorial to Ed Sullivan, here's some news you actually care about ...
The show featured on the website in the forthcoming link is gonna happen again. Soon. Somewhere else.
Mwah!
M
P.S. Twenty Four years ago today, the guy that's playing the guitar solo on the second bass I ever owned in this video died:
P.P.S. Twenty Six years ago today, this song, from the first album I ever bought with my own money given to me by my parents, simultaneously reached No. 1 on the Billboard Top 100...
P.P.P.S. And inspired my desire to wear women's clothing on stage...
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