Procrastination 101: The Speed At Which Your Blog Loads Is Critical To Attracting More Readers To Your Blog and The Case For Banksy For President

Hi,

So far today I have procrastinated writing in the following ways:

1. Spent 16 minutes thoroughly investigating the ways I can get stuff for free by using my Amex Delta SkyMiles credit card.

1a. Being disappointed that I can't just cancel my netflix account and start a new in order to get 1,500 Delta SkyMiles.

1b. Being further disappointed in the knowledge that the extra 1,500 miles would have given me just enough miles to buy a ticket anywhere in the continental US.

2. Spent roughly 5 minutes staring off into space on the sidewalk of Metropolitan Ave.

2a. Being disappointed in myself for not quitting smoking.

3. Spent 3 minutes wondering if I should get a hair cut this week.

4. Spent 6 minutes reading an article about how other people procrastinate in their work.

4a. Being amused by a video my old friend Marshall sent me.

5. Spent 1 minute thanking God that I'm not the kind of person that gets tricked into clicking on links that don't go anywhere.

5a. Being amused that you are.

6. Spent 7 seconds wondering why Tony Hawk spends so much time telling other people what he's doing with his time.

7. Spent 7 minutes reading about various ways I can make this page load faster.

7a. Being proud that because of my superior instincts, I was already doing all of them.

8. Spent negative 8 seconds wondering if you're going to come to my gig at Banjo Jim's on May 18th at 11:30.

8a. The one where I'll be playing songs no one has ever heard.

8b. The one where Steely Dan is gonna be my band.

9. Currently spending however many seconds it takes me to type this sentence wondering if I really shouldn't just go outside and enjoy the sunshi...

Chinglish 101: Happy Anniversary and The Case For The Slow Flush Toilet

Hi,

Don't tell mom, but I got my ticket to Florida for my surprise Mother's Day visit. Remind me to call Delta though so I can claim my frequent flyer miles. I'm not so good at keeping up with that kinda stuff and for the life of me can't remember the password I used to set up that account 6 years ago and the website said they were gonna send it to the mailing address I used when I got my amex card. I think that was in LA. But like my password, I don't remember. I kept trying to use "ArentIHandsome" but, like my mom, apparently amex doesn't think so either.

Anyway, this morning I woke up to the sounds of La Roux. But before I tell you about how I feel about La Roux, you should be interested to know that right now I've got a different window open where I typed in the URL: hypem.com and the song that just came up is by a band called something that I can't type here because this is a family focussed enterprise so I'll just say it pretty much resembles: "Holy F#@k". You can imagine that I couldn't help but chuckle and thus feel the need to share that pleasurable experience with you.

Anyway, my initial instinct was to think that La Roux was a pile of crap. But soon enough I realized that they were actually a great example of the importance of simplicity of lyric as suggested by some guy named Stephen who apparently does a lot of talking via video in something called Sondheim On Sondheim that I apparently should remember to go see.

And then of course, I started thinking of great examples of things. For instance, piles of crap. As in maybe, just maybe, it's a pile of crap that there's a pile of crap running around Mississippi in the shape of a human who has what I can only assume is a pretty important job as a Democratic Representative for the state of Mississippi who upon returning from a sight seeing tour over the Gulf of Mexico the other day relayed the following words of calm to any constituents who might be a little shaken up by the potential damage to their environment digitally represented in a photo like this:

Or this:

Ot this one, which we'll call, "Daddy, how come there are no fish this year?:

Anyway, according to Mr. Representative Crap Pile, AKA Gene Taylor, we apparently don't really have anything to worry about ...

"What I want people to know is this isn't Katrina. This is not Armageddon. I did this for the Coast Guard many years ago. Yeah, it's bad. And it's terrible that there's a spill out there. But I would remind people that the oil is twenty miles from any marsh. [...]

That chocolate milk looking spill starts breaking up in smaller pieces... It is tending to break up naturally."

Whew. I sure am glad I'm not lactose intolerant.

And speaking of sightseeing tours ... you should really watch The Cruise. You can stream it on netflix but only if you remembered to pay your bill. Also, you don't need to post a comment or send an email, you can just thank me the next time you see me. Or better yet, you could just purchase a copy of the movie via amazon.com by clicking on the convenient link on the bottom right hand margin of this page. That's way down below the listing for a show by a band by the name of Gimme That that is playing what in all likelihood will be at once it's first and last show ever and by clicking on that amazon link box thing and buying The Cruise there you will help me send myself or someone else's kids to college.

Or something.

Now, go outside. It's gonna be winter again before you know it!

Mwah!

M

P.S. I can't believe that's how you spell likelihood!

P.P.S. Actually, I can.

P.P.P.S. I mean really ...

P.P.P.P.S. There's at least a few other things that have happened that are more worthy of disbelief.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Or so I think.

Eavesdropping 101: Give Me Back My Old Life

Hi,

Right now I'm eavesdropping on a girl who is on the phone telling her friend that she's dating someone who I can only assume her friend used to date. Or something. She drops the bomb pretty much straight away. "I wanted to talk to you and say, because I know you're going to be talking to ________ later today, that we've been hanging out a lot. Like, dating for about the last month. I mean, it's not really that serious, but I wanted to tell you myself." As you can imagine, there are several awkward silences where the girl that I can hear says things like: "Are you there?" and "Can you hear me?" But now it seems like the initial shock is waning and they've moved on to talking about how smart and nerdy the guy is.

The girl leaves.

She looks nothing like her voice or the kind of girl that would be kind of almost stealing someone's ex even though they're ex's and technically there really couldn't be anyone stealing anyone else and besides that I don't really think anyone gets stolen. I think people get dumped. Except for me. Why would anyone want to dump me? Except for that one girl. The one who dumped me on account of me being in a bad mood for about thirteen and a half months straight. Apparently we all need someone to teach us that life isn't fair.

And speaking of other things that make me totally depressed...

You've probably been overhearing conversations from disappointed rock and roll fans who are just reeling from the news that my upcoming show with Taylor Swift at Nassau Coliseum is of course, SOLD OUT. And while none of you will be able to see that which promises to be the entertainment spectacle of millennium it is important that you all hear it from me first that Taylor has been a real class A opening act for me lately. And with any luck, all this exposure I've been so generous to bestow on her will one day pay off with some real international stardom. Until then, keep checking back with me on her progress. But lest you think she's going to forget about you before it's all too late, we've decided to put together a special encore performance on May 18th at, where else, Banjo Jim's in picturesque Loisaida, NYC.

That's right kids, come on down Mr. Jim's at 11:30pm on Tuesday, May 18th and you'll get a not so generous helping of things I've been thinking about for the last year that fit into a format I like to call: Rock and Roll songs. I'm also very excited to announce that even in the highly unlikely event that Taylor Swift isn't there, she's been generous enough to give me a lend of her band for the night! With any luck, we'll get cited for being too loud and then we can just hang out and talk about how awesome the beaches are in Florida this time of year.

Lastly ... in today's edition of "Next Blog" we find a young man who not only fell in love with Jesus before he fell in love with food, but also has an interest in something called "perspective".

Mwah!

M

P.S. Tune in tomorrow for some belated film reviews and other ailments afflicting the modern woman.

P.P.S. Speaking of women, next sunday is Mother's Day.

P.P.P.S. In case you forget ...

P.P.P.P.S. I should be the spokesperson for 1800Flowers.com

P.P.P.P.P.S. They're amazing!