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Showing posts with label The Dig. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Dig. Show all posts

Friday, January 7, 2011

Healthcare 101: "No One Ever Went Broke Underestimating The Intelligence Of The American Public"

Hi,

Man, are you missing some great snow. By the time you claw your way out from under the mountain of depression and bedding the snow will probably have stopped. You should know that it's the fat version of snow. The kind you are lead to believe is gonna be falling on Christmas day when you're a little kid. Unless you grew up in Florida. Nobody there tried to trick you into thinking there would be the fat kind of snow on Christmas morning. Which, being from Connecticut, is pretty freakin' weird to me. Snow was a major motif throughout my childhood. But by the time I got moved to Florida, I was old enough to know that almost everything anyone had ever told me was probably either a lie or misinformation, so I didn't really spend much time wondering what the little kids in Florida got told when they asked their parents what was gonna happen on Christmas since they didn't have any snow or chimneys. Maybe kids in Florida overall get lied to less? And since lying is bad, that must make Florida good. Which pretty much blows up all of my other feelings about life and how mine would have been so much better if I had never been moved to Florida except that I wouldn't have Florida to indiscriminately blame for some of the various shortcomings I suffer from. Some might say that I have at times placed a value add on the state of Florida which is not directly proportional to the consequences of my actions. But lucky for Florida, I don't live there anymore. So Florida doesn't have to feel like I am discriminating against them or any portion of their population while they are busy electing people to run their state who are not interested in living in the 21st century and are only more than happy to do that for them.

In related news, my life's dream of being the oldest living cigarette smoker has been cut short by an indeterminate number of years. Now, I know what you're thinking. And I agree. Three to four thousand dollars a year is a small price to pay for a real quality case of lung cancer. But after 21 years, I guess I've grown impatient. So I quit.

What's that? No, I'm not gonna bore you with a play by play of the withdrawl. Partly because I have trouble spelling the word. And partly because, aside from thinking about how much of a sucker I have been for the better part of, oh my entire adult life, I don't really feel much different. I might be a little more sleepy. And I might have a more consistent level of energy throughout the day. But there's no way to be sure because I've gotten so good at neglecting the way I feel by making sure I looked cool. Anyway, fortunately there are lots of important news stories to read over at the Huffington Post should I get the urge to have a puff.

And speaking of important news, the Casey Shea band will be either opening for or playing after The Prigs tomorrow night at Glasslands. While you're there singing along and dancing along to our good friend and guest drummer Jamie Alegre (The Dig), don't forget to buy a t-shirt and a couple records for your cousins back home. They'll thank you for the music and the clothes. And the Casey Shea band will thank you for the ability to eat.

And speaking of boooooooring! If you know people in any foreign countries, please tell them that the Casey Shea band will be playing with the Wakey! Wakey! band in London, UK later this month at a place called The Bedford and another place called The Relentless Garage. How a garage could get to be relentless is beyond me. Apparently the people in the UK aren't native English speakers. Anyway, if you go looking for the website for a venue called The Bedford in London, UK and then click on the calendar where it says "January 19th, 2011", you might be confused when you see the following listing ...

... But I'm not worried. When Wes Verhoeve says there's a plan, there's definitely a plan.

Mwah!

M

Friday, August 20, 2010

Variety 101: Banned In The NYC

Hi,

Did you hear the one about the country that may or may not have been founded on a certain set of principles that may or may not include religious and cultural freedom except as it related to the two or so million people that for a few thousand years had been living on the land that makes up said country and/or relates to Muslims? I forget the punch line, but I'm pretty sure it's a good one.

Speaking of punch lines, today is the day after my variety show got banned from the only venue that I ever wanted to do the show in. In case you hadn't heard about it, the show was called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. It was a music centric variety show, featuring sketch comedy and a smattering of vaudeville. Since we just did the show on Wednesday night, I'm pretty sure I still remember everything that I remember happening. Which may or may not be what ended up on film. But since I was educated in the greatest public school system in the history of revisionist history, I know that no one really cares if you get the story right. You just need a pretty good punch line.

Anyway, if you don't mind shutting up for about five seconds, I'll give you my version of Wednesday night in a little segment I like to call: "The Rise And Fall Of The Old Fashioned Ladies Club Featuring The Recollections Of Matt Basile" ...

Let's start with the superlatives shall we? Yes. We shall. Because this is my forum and I will do whatever I want and no one can ever not tell me to my face that they don't like what I have to say.

Anyway. Let's get back to what I think...

For August 18th, 2010's The Old Fashioned Ladies Club:
The award for Best Female Vocal Of A Theme Song goes to: Misty Boyce
The award for Best Comedy Sketch Involving A Violin Bow and A Shout Out To Palm Bay, FL goes to: Casey Spindler
The award for Best Looking Guitar Solo goes to: Mark Marshall
The award for Best ...

(Editor's Note: This edition of "Experiment's In Self Aggrandizement By Matt Basile" was interrupted yesterday so that I could play a gig with Mother Feather at Mercury Lounge. I am now going to try to get back into the proverbial "zone" here and finish my story about being banned from Rockwood Music Hall by listening to the new CeeLo track on repeat.)

... Interpretative Dance Involving Scarves goes to: Abby Ahmad
The award for Best Sponsor Activation goes to: Casey Shea
The award for Best Drummer Over 6' 7" Tall goes to: Chris Benelli
The award for Best Paper Mache Ball By An Engaged Stage Manager goes to: Angela Cheng
The award for Best Bass Performance Despite Jet-Lag goes to: Tony Maceli
The award for Best Special Effects goes to: Andy Fitzpatrick
The award for Best Impersonation Of The Olsen Twins While Taking Pictures Of Me In My Underwear goes to: Ann Courtney and Lizzie Carena
The award for Best Sword Swallower goes to: Heather Holliday
The award for Best Comedy Skit Involving Multiple Layers Of Socio-Political Commentary That No One Really Got But Still Garnered A Great Laugh goes to: Luke Wesley
The award for Best Critique Of The OFLC goes to: Pierre
And finally, the award for Best Execution Of The Principles Of Method Acting goes to: Michael Vitacco

Oh! And speaking of things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, in case you hadn't heard, the US has officially withdrawn all combat troops from "Greatest War In The History Of Driving Service Men And Women To Suicide".

In related news, did I mention that I started a variety show at Rockwood Music Hall and we got banned after the opening night? Pretty cool huh? Well, in case you haven't been there, you should know that Rockwood Music Hall is really nice. So nice in fact that, in the warm glow of it's well appointed antique lighting, plush red velvet walls, a truly marvelous wrought iron balcony with accompanying staircase and augmented by a particularly inventive make-shift spotlight held on high by the world's first "Human Applause Sign", a small town guy like me can suddenly be transformed so as to look so good that he gets mistakenly identified as a cross between Warren Beatty and Mick Jagger by a lovely patron who may or may not have literally crawled onto the stage in order to sink her pearly whites into the soft flesh of my buttocks.

Anyway, the show is called The Old Fashioned Ladies Club. And aside from a few rookie mistakes, the fact that I remember a lot of people laughing through pretty much the whole thing makes me think the show went pretty well. So, with that in mind, we're gonna look for a new venue. Hopefully you'll be interested in coming to see us there too.

(Editor's Note: Have you heard this song...?

Mwah!

M

P.S. This guy is living proof that if you just shut up and write some good and then get up on stage in front of 200 strangers and sing your ass off for 40 minutes, you can sell every last copy of your new CD at a merchandise table that didn't even have a representative from your record label staffing.
P.P.S. The Power.
P.P.P.S. I'm playing with Nick Africano tomorrow night.
P.P.P.P.S. I'm playing Muddy Waters tunes with Mark Marshall on Monday.
P.P.P.P.P.S. Oh, and I'm singing one too.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. If you could see me now, I'm pooping my pants.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Not really. That's a figure of speech meant to demonstrate my reverence for Muddy Waters and how I am nervous to sing one of his songs.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I did however just finish a pretty big cup of coffee so in a few minutes I will probably actually be pooping.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. As you may have heard, I was a little distracted on August 18th... Please let the record show that I am proud to share the anniversary of the start and end of The OFLC with your hot mom's birthday!

Monday, May 31, 2010

Journalism 101: Keavin Eubanks' Mom Is Upset That Nobody Cares That Kevin Eubanks Is Leaving Jay Leno.

Hi,

Wow. Today I am back from my bout with food poisoning. It was a lot of fun actually. Especially since I like Shweppes Ginger Ale so much and I am always looking for a good excuse to be lying in bed at 5 in the evening watching movies that the now dead Dennis Hopper had small roles in...

Anyway, I was gonna start by telling you about how I got all speechless over this Rihanna song that was playing here at the coffee shop that makes me feel like I'm in CT even though I'm only 12 blocks from my decidedly non air conditioned apartment in the decidedly Hasidic portion of the Williamsburg neighborhood of the Brooklyn borough of the city of New York of the state of New York of the greatest country in the history of countries that has a whole holiday dedicated to all the men and women who've died in all of the countries great wars but still has a hard time providing some decent medical care to people who didn't unless of course they have hemorrhoids. Or something. Anyway, I got distracted by the dance version of the new country classic where the girl says something about "It's quarter after four, I'm all alone, and I need you now..." or some such example of poetic genius that doesn't hold a candle to this Rihanna song I was busy being blown away by until I got distracted by the above referenced crossover potential achieved just by painting certain things blue.

"Come on rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Tonight
I'mma let you be the captain
Tonight
I'mma let you do your thing, yeah
Tonight
I'mma let you be a rider
Giddy up
Giddy up
Giddy up, babe

Tonight
I'mma let it be fire
Tonight
I'mma let you take me higher
Tonight
Baby we can get it on, yeah
we can get it on, yeah

Do you like it boy
I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom, boom, boom
What I wa-wa-want
Is what you wa-wa-want
Na, na-aaaah

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
You should Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Tonight
I'mma give it to you harder
Tonight
I'mma turn your body out
Relax
Let me do it how I wanna
If you got it
I need it
And I'mma put it down

Buckle up
I'mma give it to you stronger
Hands up
We can go a little longer
Tonight
I'mma get a little crazy
Get a little crazy, baby

Do you like it boy
I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom, boom, boom
What I wa-wa-want
Is what you wa-wa-want
Na, na-aaaah

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me
I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking
No, no

I like when you tell me kiss it there
I like when you tell me move it there

So giddy up
Time to giddy up
You say you're a rude boy
Show me what you got now

Come here right now

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come on rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
yeh yeh yeh ,

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me"

Mwah!

M

P.S. Tonight I'm playing at some place called Rockwood Music Hall with some guy named Nick Africano.
P.P.S. That's gonna happen at 9pm.
P.P.P.S. Some chick named Misty Boyle or something is gonna play after him.
P.P.P.P.S. I guess that'll be at 10 but I don't plan on stickin' around for that crap so it doesn't really matter now does it?
P.P.P.P.P.S. Speaking of crap, the 2nd best opening band in the history of bands to open for Lowry will be opening for some band called The Dig at Mercury Lounge on Sat June 5th.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. As me how "The Old Fashioned Ladies Club" can improve your chances at success in finance, romance and frisbee.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I can't eat fifty eggs.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Internal Combustion 101: On This Day In 1971, "Iron Butterfly" Broke Up

Hi,

Thanks for tuning in for today's recap of yesterday's Bushwick Invitational 2010. Unfortunately it is taking an absolute eternity for the highlight reel to upload to youtube. Come back tomorrow. Or don't. I'm kinda getting tired of you too if you really wanna know the truth about it.

In the meantime, no, I'm sorry, I won't watch Lost with you tonight and no I don't have an excuse and no I don't care about your dumb feelings.

In today's installment of "People Who Don't Make Me Feel Inferior Because I Dropped Out Of College ...
For the enjoyment of all you anti-american immigrant loving basketball fans out there, apparently The Big O. is gonna be pandering to you tonight on TNT instead of advising all those pelicans down in the marshes of Louisiana that too much chocolate before dinner is gonna spoil their appetite.

In related news, "The Old Fashioned Ladies Club" is coming to Rockwood Music Hall's Stage 2, Wednesday August 18th at midnight. And you'll find out more about that when I'm ready to tell you.

Finally, there may not be tickets left for the greatest opening band in the history of bands that have opened for Chris Cubetta and The Dig at Mercury Lounge on June 5th but you should go here and find out: http://www.mercuryloungenyc.com/event/4526

Mwah.

M

P.S. There's a guy named Jason who does a pretty cool thing every Sunday morning(ish).
P.P.S. I'm gonna go now...
P.P.P.S. To see the CD release show of (K)Nights On Earth
P.P.P.P.S. Looks like the hamsters over at youtube finally got off their ...
P.P.P.P.P.S. And my lame ass walking home ...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Procrastination 101: The Speed At Which Your Blog Loads Is Critical To Attracting More Readers To Your Blog and The Case For Banksy For President

Hi,

So far today I have procrastinated writing in the following ways:

1. Spent 16 minutes thoroughly investigating the ways I can get stuff for free by using my Amex Delta SkyMiles credit card.
1a. Being disappointed that I can't just cancel my netflix account and start a new in order to get 1,500 Delta SkyMiles.
1b. Being further disappointed in the knowledge that the extra 1,500 miles would have given me just enough miles to buy a ticket anywhere in the continental US.
2. Spent roughly 5 minutes staring off into space on the sidewalk of Metropolitan Ave.
2a. Being disappointed in myself for not quitting smoking.
3. Spent 3 minutes wondering if I should get a hair cut this week.
4. Spent 6 minutes reading an article about how other people procrastinate in their work.
4a. Being amused by a video my old friend Marshall sent me.
5a. Being amused that you are.
6. Spent 7 seconds wondering why Tony Hawk spends so much time telling other people what he's doing with his time.
7. Spent 7 minutes reading about various ways I can make this page load faster.
7a. Being proud that because of my superior instincts, I was already doing all of them.
8. Spent negative 8 seconds wondering if you're going to come to my gig at Banjo Jim's on May 18th at 11:30.
8a. The one where I'll be playing songs no one has ever heard.
8b. The one where Steely Dan is gonna be my band.
9. Currently spending however many seconds it takes me to type this sentence wondering if I really shouldn't just go outside and enjoy the sunshi...

Monday, May 3, 2010

Mass Transit 101: Sabbath Bloody Sabbath

(ED Note: The following has been edited for grammatical errors and sins of omission.)

Hi,

Today I spent a fair amount of time on the subway thanking baby jesus that I thought to refresh The Huffington Post on the world's greatest portable phone that can do pretty much everything besides cook me dinner, satisfy my libido and actually let me have a complete telephone conversation in one sitting. But before I tell you all about what I read while I went to and from having a surprisingly pleasant and expedient experience renewing my driver's license so that I could rent a car in Florida this weekend when I surprise my mom on Mother's Day and win an award for being the greatest son on the planet, I should tell you that today I went the greatest voice over audition ever. Not that the copy for modern advertising is devoid of wit, languid linguistics or short on cunning deceit (see your local Lottery adverts) but today I must say I found myself pleasantly distracted from the news of exploding manhole covers apparently just 8 or so blocks from where I stood to find this little gem in my inbox:

Anyway, in order to calm myself down and not get too attached to being the voice of a show about one of rocks truly great singer songwriters, or anything else that I might in any way be even a little bit entitled to at least having a crack at, I clicked open my HuffPost application and immediately began reminiscing about all the stupid s#!t my buddies and I have done over the years. I thought about the broken rib I got wrestling with my coworker Franky while working as the announce on the California AIDs Ride back in 2002. Which of course reminded me of the time my pal and failed guitar god Michael Prince Rocco Vittaco were walking home from a late night of pool and $3 Buds over at the Blue and Gold and proceeded to have a spirited game of "let's see who can push his friend into a pile of rat infested garbage on the sidewalk of 1st Ave?" Apparently I took our little game too far and he ended up punching me in the chest, which of course landed me a different broken rib. While none would involve broken ribs, I could indulge you with more stories of adult idiocy caged in the guise of primordial male bonding, but I'll choose to digress as I'm certain you're by now just chomping at the proverbial bit to know the inspiration for my little trip down memory lane. And so with a strange kind of pleasure, I present the most f@#$ed up thing I read via the Huffington Post today in full, since I know how tired your index finger gets from clicking on your mouse:

Man Dies After Eel Is Inserted In His Rectum

A Chinese man has died after an eel was inserted in rectum by friends as, reports claim, a joke.

Doctors in Sichaun, China, apparently found the creature, a 50cm Asian swamp eel, in the 59-year-old man's rectum after he had died from internal bleeding.

The eel had reportedly done severe damage to the man's intestines.

While doctors were initially baffled as to how the eel could have gotten there, the man's friends allegedly confessed that they had inserted the live creature as a joke after a bout of heavy drinking.

After that I read about a dude who, after contemplating the following advice from his father ... "Sean, it doesn't matter what you do; just make sure it's something you're passionate about. I've been alive for nearly sixty years and have yet to find something I'm passionate about besides your mother." ... decided to spend the last year getting a different job every week so he could find one that actually interests him.

And then after that I read about a woman in the most overrated state in the union unless you're talking about the defending NBA Champion Los Angeles Lakers who has raised 36 foster children.

And then I remembered that not only is today May 3rd, but that a long time ago I was adopted by a guy who among other things, did his best to keep me safe from the kinds of people that would insert foreign objects into areas otherwise intended as an exit only, was always supportive of and interested in things that I was interested in, and would have celebrated his birthday today.

Mwah!

M

P.S. Should you be interested in stories about dad's not being supportive of their kids ...
P.P.S. You should come to Banjo Jim's on Tuesday May 18th ...
P.P.P.S. And listen close to the lyrics of the third song in my set.
P.P.P.P.S. Should you not be inclined to give a crap what I have to say and you just wanna rock to my good looking backing band ...
P.P.P.P.P.S. I don't blame you.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Eavesdropping 101: Give Me Back My Old Life

Hi,

Right now I'm eavesdropping on a girl who is on the phone telling her friend that she's dating someone who I can only assume her friend used to date. Or something. She drops the bomb pretty much straight away. "I wanted to talk to you and say, because I know you're going to be talking to ________ later today, that we've been hanging out a lot. Like, dating for about the last month. I mean, it's not really that serious, but I wanted to tell you myself." As you can imagine, there are several awkward silences where the girl that I can hear says things like: "Are you there?" and "Can you hear me?" But now it seems like the initial shock is waning and they've moved on to talking about how smart and nerdy the guy is.

The girl leaves.

She looks nothing like her voice or the kind of girl that would be kind of almost stealing someone's ex even though they're ex's and technically there really couldn't be anyone stealing anyone else and besides that I don't really think anyone gets stolen. I think people get dumped. Except for me. Why would anyone want to dump me? Except for that one girl. The one who dumped me on account of me being in a bad mood for about thirteen and a half months straight. Apparently we all need someone to teach us that life isn't fair.

And speaking of other things that make me totally depressed...

You've probably been overhearing conversations from disappointed rock and roll fans who are just reeling from the news that my upcoming show with Taylor Swift at Nassau Coliseum is of course, SOLD OUT. And while none of you will be able to see that which promises to be the entertainment spectacle of millennium it is important that you all hear it from me first that Taylor has been a real class A opening act for me lately. And with any luck, all this exposure I've been so generous to bestow on her will one day pay off with some real international stardom. Until then, keep checking back with me on her progress. But lest you think she's going to forget about you before it's all too late, we've decided to put together a special encore performance on May 18th at, where else, Banjo Jim's in picturesque Loisaida, NYC.

That's right kids, come on down Mr. Jim's at 11:30pm on Tuesday, May 18th and you'll get a not so generous helping of things I've been thinking about for the last year that fit into a format I like to call: Rock and Roll songs. I'm also very excited to announce that even in the highly unlikely event that Taylor Swift isn't there, she's been generous enough to give me a lend of her band for the night! With any luck, we'll get cited for being too loud and then we can just hang out and talk about how awesome the beaches are in Florida this time of year.

Lastly ... in today's edition of "Next Blog" we find a young man who not only fell in love with Jesus before he fell in love with food, but also has an interest in something called "perspective".


Mwah!

M

P.S. Tune in tomorrow for some belated film reviews and other ailments afflicting the modern woman.
P.P.S. Speaking of women, next sunday is Mother's Day.
P.P.P.S. In case you forget ...
P.P.P.P.S. I should be the spokesperson for 1800Flowers.com
P.P.P.P.P.S. They're amazing!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Ageism 101: Budgetary Profligacy and Why Today Is Your Day To Be Prettier And Wiser

Hi Kids,

I just wasted the last 40 minutes of my life reviewing songs for tonight's show with Misty Boyle over at everyones favorite place for a low-key hang of quiet conversation and surprisingly inexpensive yet thoughtfully curated selection of wines: The Canal Room. Thank god I had a great cup o' Joe from the bodega on Marcy and Broadway that has the humongous sign on it's awning advertising 50 Cent Coffee but when you go in they charge you 75 and will most like get a letter from me soon enough on the subject in order to get me through this snore-fest. Speaking of the bodega on Marcy and Broadway that has the humongous sign on it's awning advertising 50 Cent Coffee but when you go in they charge you 75 and will most like get a letter from me soon enough on the subject, there's this kid working there who's always working out his rhyming skillz which are way better than this overrated hack:

Anyway, he had a few pretty good stanzas going with this Hasidic guy, who trying to buy a bunch of newspapers that were definitely not printed in America all about why didn't the guy use his $10 bill to pay for his stuff since the total was $7.35 but instead used a $20 dollar bill and the Hasidic guy answered that he wanted the change and the kid riffed on that for a couple more lines. It was pretty cool and really made me feel like I was part of the streets. Then I got up to the counter and asked for the same thing I always get from this kid: coffee, milk, one sugar. He responded in a hip hop kind of rhythm: coffee, milk, one suagar. I ain't never been ... (insert really long awkward pause) ... with no hooker. It was really disappointing. And he totally knew it. But I kinda laughed anyway like when your friends that have kids go on and on about how smart their kids are and you have to smile and laugh about it because you're just thinking man, doesn't everyone know the difference between blue and orange by the time they're 7 years old? Anyway as I was walking out he called after me, "Yo! I'ma do better next time I see you!" I gave him a thumbs up! It was a real cool United Nations kinda moment actually. I like that kid. Too bad he can't rap for s#!t.

Anyway, I don't have a lot of time cuz like I said, I gotta play this gig and I have to leave for what will most assuredly be an invaluable sound check. And I just got a call from the guy that used to play drums for failed NYC rockers Rich Girls that I'm on the guest list for his show tonight with the worst band that ever blew your band off the stage:


Before I go, in today's installment of "I'll Cry If I Want To" ...
Don't forget to wish my 723rd favorite songwriter in the world a happy birthday:

I'll get back to all the other ageism issues later, promise. And the budgetary stuff too. In the meantime, because I know you're too damn lazy to look it up for yourself, profligacy means: recklessly wasteful.

Mwah!

M

P.S. There's another cool show happening tonight ...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

American History 101: You Know What Vince, That's A Great Idea

OK. First of all, can someone explain to me why the lovers' spat between one former and one current holder of the easiest job in America is not only ruining my otherwise perfectly romantic Valentine's Day with you but has also been assigned top billing on google's news page?


Do I really need to hear Biden repeat his rehearsed responses to the drivel of the scariest person my mom ever voted for twice?

I can just picture 'ol Joe gettin' all worked up over his boss gettin' the what for when suddenly a thousand energy efficient florescent light bulbs light up in that oh-so-unflattering-way inside his head when he comes up with the zinger line he just knows will put him on the receiving end of one of the Big O's signature slow nods of approval, and maybe even a wink when they pass in the hall en route to their separate White House bathrooms. Normally I would copy and paste a quote to make sure I got it right, or maybe sometimes I'll just paraphrase a line and twist it to fit my own comedic(ish) purposes, but since he was so proud of his line I heard it enough times to pretty much have it memorized. "Dick Cheney's a fine fellow ... but he's not entitled to rewrite history."

Actually, he only said it twice. But still. He kinda had the same smirk on his face both times. The kind of smirk that says, "Oh yeah, I'm totally getting quoted for this in the NY Times."

And of course he will get quoted. And half of the country will think he's a real stand up guy and a real tough talker. Because actually, he is (I can only assume) a real stand up guy. In fact, I can't wait to vote for him again for the the easiest job in America. Actually, I kinda take that back. I'm actually kinda getting tired of birthday's... Anyway, I kinda actually don't think he's actually such a tough talker. I think he was actually lying and he should have said what I'm pretty sure he wanted to tell me the other day just before we got off the phone when he called to ask me how things were going in Brooklyn and when exactly I was gonna get around to paying my taxes because I'm being considered for a fancy new position in the administration. Something about Assistant Secretary of Protocol?

Anyway, what I'm pretty sure he actually wanted to say was, "You may think Dick Cheney is a fine fellow, but actually he kind of isn't. He's actually one in a long line of aristocracy that will
rewrite history to suite his needs and the needs of people that enable his lifestyle and the lifestyle of people he likes to play golf with ..."
"... And to that point, you could say I am the next in line to rewrite history to suite my needs and the needs of people that enable my lifestyle and the lifestyle of people I like to play golf with. The question is, do you want to play 18 holes using a golf cart or would you rather walk around with a real live caddy. That's what this comes down to America! These are the decisions before us today!! Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go hang up a "Whites Only" sign on Barack's bathroom door. It's part of a little running joke we've had going since last January that has nothing to do with any suppressed or lingering issues of inferiority on my part. It's just a joke people. Relax... He's also half white."

Anyway, he didn't get around to saying all that because we both have iPhones:


And speaking of the things you'll never learn in college and the hard line on Iran's nuclear capabilities:


Anyway, before I get carried away ... all I wanted to say was that it seems to me that google's big news page really should've given top billing to some news that actually matters to people like you and me. Like the growing problem of obesity in the world of film:

In international news, following the debut of Mother Feather last night at Rockwood Music Hall, Nate Campany and 317 other NYC based singer songwriters who bring an average of 53 people to their gigs have decided to quit music all together, thus forcing the closure of every music venue in the neighborhood and answering the lingering question of just how long the gentrification of the Lower East Side would last.

And finally, for today's installment of "Crappy Bands You Definitely Shouldn't Tell Your Friends To Go See While They're On Tour Completely Blowing The Overrated Headline Act Off The Stage Night After Night After Unforgiving Night" ...
I invite you to visit thedigmusic.com and get redirected to myspace.com/thedigisup where you can find out when they'll be in your town making you realize that your pathetic little rock-n-roll fantasy is never gonna come true unless you have really good aim with one of these:



Mwah!

M

P.S. If you actually remember the movie Protocol, you're sure to appreciate the forthcoming link.
P.P.S. Assuming that is, that you have both an X and a Y chromosome ...
P.P.P.S. And you enjoy spending Valentines Day with someone with two X chromosomes ...
P.P.P.P.S. Or assuming that you have two X chromosomes ...
P.P.P.P.P.S. And you too enjoy spending Valentines Day with someone with two X chromosomes ...
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. (Not that there's anything wrong with that) ...
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. But, assuming that you have two X chromosomes and you wish you were spending Valentine's Day with someone with both an X and a Y chromosome instead of sitting home alone with a pint of Haagen Dazs rereading old emails from some dead beat you actually thought would change if you just gave him some space ...
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. You're probably gonna think the forthcoming link makes me a jerk too.