American History 101: You Know What Vince, That's A Great Idea

OK. First of all, can someone explain to me why the lovers' spat between one former and one current holder of the easiest job in America is not only ruining my otherwise perfectly romantic Valentine's Day with you but has also been assigned top billing on google's news page?

Do I really need to hear Biden repeat his rehearsed responses to the drivel of the scariest person my mom ever voted for twice?

I can just picture 'ol Joe gettin' all worked up over his boss gettin' the what for when suddenly a thousand energy efficient florescent light bulbs light up in that oh-so-unflattering-way inside his head when he comes up with the zinger line he just knows will put him on the receiving end of one of the Big O's signature slow nods of approval, and maybe even a wink when they pass in the hall en route to their separate White House bathrooms. Normally I would copy and paste a quote to make sure I got it right, or maybe sometimes I'll just paraphrase a line and twist it to fit my own comedic(ish) purposes, but since he was so proud of his line I heard it enough times to pretty much have it memorized. "Dick Cheney's a fine fellow ... but he's not entitled to rewrite history."

Actually, he only said it twice. But still. He kinda had the same smirk on his face both times. The kind of smirk that says, "Oh yeah, I'm totally getting quoted for this in the NY Times."

And of course he will get quoted. And half of the country will think he's a real stand up guy and a real tough talker. Because actually, he is (I can only assume) a real stand up guy. In fact, I can't wait to vote for him again for the the easiest job in America. Actually, I kinda take that back. I'm actually kinda getting tired of birthday's... Anyway, I kinda actually don't think he's actually such a tough talker. I think he was actually lying and he should have said what I'm pretty sure he wanted to tell me the other day just before we got off the phone when he called to ask me how things were going in Brooklyn and when exactly I was gonna get around to paying my taxes because I'm being considered for a fancy new position in the administration. Something about Assistant Secretary of Protocol?

Anyway, what I'm pretty sure he actually wanted to say was, "You may think Dick Cheney is a fine fellow, but actually he kind of isn't. He's actually one in a long line of aristocracy that will rewrite history to suite his needs and the needs of people that enable his lifestyle and the lifestyle of people he likes to play golf with ..."

"... And to that point, you could say I am the next in line to rewrite history to suite my needs and the needs of people that enable my lifestyle and the lifestyle of people I like to play golf with. The question is, do you want to play 18 holes using a golf cart or would you rather walk around with a real live caddy. That's what this comes down to America! These are the decisions before us today!! Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go hang up a "Whites Only" sign on Barack's bathroom door. It's part of a little running joke we've had going since last January that has nothing to do with any suppressed or lingering issues of inferiority on my part. It's just a joke people. Relax... He's also half white."

Anyway, he didn't get around to saying all that because we both have iPhones:

And speaking of the things you'll never learn in college and the hard line on Iran's nuclear capabilities:

Anyway, before I get carried away ... all I wanted to say was that it seems to me that google's big news page really should've given top billing to some news that actually matters to people like you and me. Like the growing problem of obesity in the world of film:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20344142,00.html

In international news, following the debut of Mother Feather last night at Rockwood Music Hall, Nate Campany and 317 other NYC based singer songwriters who bring an average of 53 people to their gigs have decided to quit music all together, thus forcing the closure of every music venue in the neighborhood and answering the lingering question of just how long the gentrification of the Lower East Side would last.

And finally, for today's installment of "Crappy Bands You Definitely Shouldn't Tell Your Friends To Go See While They're On Tour Completely Blowing The Overrated Headline Act Off The Stage Night After Night After Unforgiving Night" ...

I invite you to visit thedigmusic.com and get redirected to myspace.com/thedigisup where you can find out when they'll be in your town making you realize that your pathetic little rock-n-roll fantasy is never gonna come true unless you have really good aim with one of these:

Mwah!

M

P.S. If you actually remember the movie Protocol, you're sure to appreciate the forthcoming link.

P.P.S. Assuming that is, that you have both an X and a Y chromosome ...

P.P.P.S. And you enjoy spending Valentines Day with someone with two X chromosomes ...

P.P.P.P.S. Or assuming that you have two X chromosomes ...

P.P.P.P.P.S. And you too enjoy spending Valentines Day with someone with two X chromosomes ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. (Not that there's anything wrong with that) ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. But, assuming that you have two X chromosomes and you wish you were spending Valentine's Day with someone with both an X and a Y chromosome instead of sitting home alone with a pint of Haagen Dazs rereading old emails from some dead beat you actually thought would change if you just gave him some space ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. You're probably gonna think the forthcoming link makes me a jerk too.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ld_eJczbAU&feature=related