Monetization 101: Geo Political Simulators And The Case For My Sharona

Hi,

Today I have one of the lame seats in the coffee shop that makes me feel like I'm in Connecticut but am actually only about 12 blocks from my apartment in the building that could really use a better superintendent. I mean really, I don't like like cleaning anymore than anyone else that doesn't actually wanna work for a living, but has anyone around here ever heard of a broom? I'll buy you the dustpan for crying out loud. Anyway, this seat is actually more of a bar stool, which would normally be fine since I'm a pretty tall guy and I can rest my feet either on the rung of the stool or on the floor. It's really up to me and my personal feelings on comfort at any particular moment. The problem is the counter. It's not counter height. Which is of course 36". This non-counter-bar-thing is at least 42". I'm gonna have carpal tunnel syndrome before I finish typing this senten ...

Ouch.

It's like having arthritis except there's a chance I could sue for it.

And since you asked, when you sit at the too-tall-for-the-stools-bar you're given the option of looking into this humongous wall mirror or just pretending that you're so absorbed with whatever the hell it is that you're typing that you're not looking up to admire yourself every three and a half minutes. Fortunately I shaved today. Or else I'd have to move seats.

Anyway, in other news that you probably already know because you've come to rely on me not only for emotional support while you tough it out through the ...

Wait. Stop the presses! See, this coffee shop plays pop radio. I don't know what station. But I kinda like being in the know of what's happening in America and right now they're playing a cover of Supertramp's "Give A Little Bit" by ... Hang on, I gotta google this ... I F#@%ING KNEW IT!!!!!: The Goo Goo Dolls.

Ewwwwww.
Awe man.
Suddenly I feel so cheap.
Thank god they're playing Shania Twain now.
And, for the record, I think Brad Pitt is actually pretty impressive.

Incidentally, Shania Twain, The Goo Goo Dolls, Supertramp and all sorts of other popular music as well as all sorts of other things you forgot to buy me for my birthday are available at amazon.com, which is of course accessible via the convenient link in the lower right hand margin of this page and is not being linked to in the body of this text because if you click on the convenient link in the lower right hand margin of this page and get redirected to amazon.com I will make money off of whatever you purchase.

Yes, even if it's not a belated birthday present.

Anyway, back to me and how we were talking about your dumb feelings and how wonderful I've been lately even though I haven't really gotten anything in return save for a further inflated sense of self at the knowledge of just how miserable you'll be when I'm gone... on top of that, you've come to appreciate not only the accuracy of my journalism but also it's timeliness. As an example, can you believe that the Daily News is leading today with a story about the forbidden love between Joe Biden and Dick Cheney?

Actually, I lied. The Daily News actually lead the days news with a report on the latest in functional fashion from VPL, the Sweater-Kini. And really, who can blame them?


Great work Kendall! We're all very proud of you.

In today's installment of "All The ..." wait, I gotta stop the presses again and enter my certification of NYS Unemployment benefits before it gets too late and I forget.

Whew. Good thing I remembered and wasn't completely distracted by the genius that is "Need You Now", the latest smash hit to the top of the charts with a bullet from Lady Antebellum.

In today's installment of "You Don't Say?":

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was spotted at "a secluded royal hunting retreat where the vacationing king hosted her for lunch – and where a large-screen TV was on." Once properly outfitted for her pinko-commie "vacationing" she reportedly confided on the "private bus" ride to King Abdullah's "secluded royal retreat" the following tidbit of classified information: "Iran Is Moving Toward A Military Dictatorship"

In related news, celebrated music producer Brian Eno not only wrote the best lyric on Coldplay's last album ...

... he has also been giving some of the best interviews on the subject of music since at least 1976. While speaking with Lester Bangs about his then current album "Music For Airports" (available at amazon.com which is of course accessible via the convenient link in the lower right hand margin of this page), Mr. Eno expounded on his then revolutionary approach to music: "I've developed a technique recently that works rather well, I think ... I lean on a parking meter, and every time a beautiful girl walks by, I smile at her. If she smiles back, I invite her up to my flat for a cup of tea. I moved to New York City because there are so many beautiful girls here, more than anywhere else in the world."

Lastly, I don't know about you but I sure was relieved to learn this morning that Evan Bayh has decided to relieve us of his tiresome partisanship and unceasing need to destroy the greatest country in the history of speeches written in the 19th century. And the fact that he chose to deliver his thoroughly unrepentant, vindictive and hateful speech as if he were reading a toddler to sleep with "The Feelings Book" (available at amazon.com which is of course accessible via the convenient link in the lower right hand margin of this page) can only mean that he is related to the devil and things are really looking up for the America after all.

Mwah!

M

P.S. This dude died today ...

P.P.S. http://www.seattlepi.com/tvguide/415419_tvgif15.html

American History 101: You Know What Vince, That's A Great Idea

OK. First of all, can someone explain to me why the lovers' spat between one former and one current holder of the easiest job in America is not only ruining my otherwise perfectly romantic Valentine's Day with you but has also been assigned top billing on google's news page?

Do I really need to hear Biden repeat his rehearsed responses to the drivel of the scariest person my mom ever voted for twice?

I can just picture 'ol Joe gettin' all worked up over his boss gettin' the what for when suddenly a thousand energy efficient florescent light bulbs light up in that oh-so-unflattering-way inside his head when he comes up with the zinger line he just knows will put him on the receiving end of one of the Big O's signature slow nods of approval, and maybe even a wink when they pass in the hall en route to their separate White House bathrooms. Normally I would copy and paste a quote to make sure I got it right, or maybe sometimes I'll just paraphrase a line and twist it to fit my own comedic(ish) purposes, but since he was so proud of his line I heard it enough times to pretty much have it memorized. "Dick Cheney's a fine fellow ... but he's not entitled to rewrite history."

Actually, he only said it twice. But still. He kinda had the same smirk on his face both times. The kind of smirk that says, "Oh yeah, I'm totally getting quoted for this in the NY Times."

And of course he will get quoted. And half of the country will think he's a real stand up guy and a real tough talker. Because actually, he is (I can only assume) a real stand up guy. In fact, I can't wait to vote for him again for the the easiest job in America. Actually, I kinda take that back. I'm actually kinda getting tired of birthday's... Anyway, I kinda actually don't think he's actually such a tough talker. I think he was actually lying and he should have said what I'm pretty sure he wanted to tell me the other day just before we got off the phone when he called to ask me how things were going in Brooklyn and when exactly I was gonna get around to paying my taxes because I'm being considered for a fancy new position in the administration. Something about Assistant Secretary of Protocol?

Anyway, what I'm pretty sure he actually wanted to say was, "You may think Dick Cheney is a fine fellow, but actually he kind of isn't. He's actually one in a long line of aristocracy that will rewrite history to suite his needs and the needs of people that enable his lifestyle and the lifestyle of people he likes to play golf with ..."

"... And to that point, you could say I am the next in line to rewrite history to suite my needs and the needs of people that enable my lifestyle and the lifestyle of people I like to play golf with. The question is, do you want to play 18 holes using a golf cart or would you rather walk around with a real live caddy. That's what this comes down to America! These are the decisions before us today!! Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go hang up a "Whites Only" sign on Barack's bathroom door. It's part of a little running joke we've had going since last January that has nothing to do with any suppressed or lingering issues of inferiority on my part. It's just a joke people. Relax... He's also half white."

Anyway, he didn't get around to saying all that because we both have iPhones:

And speaking of the things you'll never learn in college and the hard line on Iran's nuclear capabilities:

Anyway, before I get carried away ... all I wanted to say was that it seems to me that google's big news page really should've given top billing to some news that actually matters to people like you and me. Like the growing problem of obesity in the world of film:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20344142,00.html

In international news, following the debut of Mother Feather last night at Rockwood Music Hall, Nate Campany and 317 other NYC based singer songwriters who bring an average of 53 people to their gigs have decided to quit music all together, thus forcing the closure of every music venue in the neighborhood and answering the lingering question of just how long the gentrification of the Lower East Side would last.

And finally, for today's installment of "Crappy Bands You Definitely Shouldn't Tell Your Friends To Go See While They're On Tour Completely Blowing The Overrated Headline Act Off The Stage Night After Night After Unforgiving Night" ...

I invite you to visit thedigmusic.com and get redirected to myspace.com/thedigisup where you can find out when they'll be in your town making you realize that your pathetic little rock-n-roll fantasy is never gonna come true unless you have really good aim with one of these:

Mwah!

M

P.S. If you actually remember the movie Protocol, you're sure to appreciate the forthcoming link.

P.P.S. Assuming that is, that you have both an X and a Y chromosome ...

P.P.P.S. And you enjoy spending Valentines Day with someone with two X chromosomes ...

P.P.P.P.S. Or assuming that you have two X chromosomes ...

P.P.P.P.P.S. And you too enjoy spending Valentines Day with someone with two X chromosomes ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. (Not that there's anything wrong with that) ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. But, assuming that you have two X chromosomes and you wish you were spending Valentine's Day with someone with both an X and a Y chromosome instead of sitting home alone with a pint of Haagen Dazs rereading old emails from some dead beat you actually thought would change if you just gave him some space ...

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. You're probably gonna think the forthcoming link makes me a jerk too.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ld_eJczbAU&feature=related